Christianity is unique among religions, for it alone offers a personal relationship with the Creator beginning here and now, and lasting throughout eternity. Jesus declared, “This is eternal life – that they may know God” (Jn. 17:2). Unfortunately, many in the Church miss the great blessing of fellowship with our Lord because we have lost the ability to recognize His voice within us. Though we have the promise that “My sheep hear My voice,” too many believers are starved for that intimate relationship that alone can satisfy the desire of their hearts.
I was one of those sheep who was deaf to his Shepherd until the Lord revealed four very simple keys (found in Habakkuk 2:1, 2) that unlocked the treasure of His voice.
Key #1 – God’s voice in your heart often sounds like a flow of spontaneous thoughts.
Habakkuk knew the sound of God speaking to him (Hab. 2:2). Elijah described it as a still, small voice (I Kings 19:12 ). I had always listened for an inner audible voice, and God does speak that way at times. However, I have found that usually, God's voice comes as spontaneous thoughts, visions, feelings, or impressions.
For example, haven't you been driving down the road and had a thought come to you to pray for a certain person? Didn’t you believe it was God telling you to pray? What did God's voice sound like? Was it an audible voice, or was it a spontaneous thought that lit upon your mind?
Experience indicates that we perceive spirit-level communication as spontaneous thoughts, impressions and visions, and Scripture confirms this in many ways. For example, one definition of paga, a Hebrew word for intercession, is "a chance encounter or an accidental intersecting." When God lays people on our hearts, He does it through paga, a chance-encounter thought “accidentally” intersecting our minds.
Therefore, when you want to hear from God, tune to chance-encounter or spontaneous thoughts.
Key #2 – Become still so you can sense God’s flow of thoughts and emotions within.
Habakkuk said, "I will stand on my guard post..." (Hab. 2:1). Habakkuk knew that to hear God's quiet, inner, spontaneous thoughts, he had to first go to a quiet place and still his own thoughts and emotions. Psalm 46:10 encourages us to be still, and know that He is God. There is a deep inner knowing (spontaneous flow) in our spirits that each of us can experience when we quiet our flesh and our minds. If we are not still, we will sense only our own thoughts.
Loving God through a quiet worship song is one very effective way to become still. (Note II Kings 3:15 .) After I worship and become silent within, I open myself for that spontaneous flow. If thoughts come of things I have forgotten to do, I write them down and dismiss them. If thoughts of guilt or unworthiness come, I repent thoroughly, receive the washing of the blood of the Lamb, putting on His robe of righteousness, seeing myself spotless before God (Is. 61:10; Col. 1:22).
To receive the pure word of God, it is very important that my heart be properly focused as I become still because my focus is the source of the intuitive flow. If I fix my eyes upon Jesus, the intuitive flow comes from Jesus. But if I fix my gaze upon some desire of my heart, the intuitive flow comes out of that desire. To have a pure flow I must become still and carefully fix my eyes upon Jesus. Again, quietly worshiping the King, and receiving out of the stillness that follows quite easily accomplishes this.
Fix your gaze upon Jesus (Heb. 12:2), becoming quiet in His presence and sharing with Him what is on your heart. Spontaneous thoughts will begin to flow from the throne of God to you, and you will actually be conversing with the King of Kings!
Key #3 – As you pray, fix the eyes of your heart upon Jesus, seeing in the Spirit the dreams and visions of Almighty God.
Habakkuk said, "I will keep watch to see," and God said, "Record the vision" (Hab. 2:1,2). Habakkuk was actually looking for vision as he prayed. He opened the eyes of his heart, and looked into the spirit world to see what God wanted to show him. This is an intriguing idea.
God has always spoken through dreams and visions, and He specifically said that they would come to those upon whom the Holy Spirit is poured out (Acts 2:1-4, 17).
I had never thought of opening the eyes of my heart and looking for vision. However, I have come to believe that this is exactly what God wants me to do. He gave me eyes in my heart to see in the spirit the vision and movement of Almighty God. There is an active spirit world all around us, full of angels, demons, the Holy Spirit, the omnipresent Father, and His omnipresent Son, Jesus. The only reasons for me not to see this reality are unbelief or lack of knowledge.
In order to see, we must look. Daniel saw a vision in his mind and said, "I was looking...I kept looking...I kept looking" (Dan. 7:2,9,13). As I pray, I look for Jesus, and I watch as He speaks to me, doing and saying the things that are on His heart. Many Christians will find that if they will only look, they will see, in the same way they receive spontaneous thoughts. Jesus is Emmanuel, God with us (Matt. 1:23 ). It is as simple as that. You can see Christ present with you because Christ is present with you. In fact, the vision may come so easily that you will be tempted to reject it, thinking that it is just you. But if you persist in recording these visions, your doubt will soon be overcome by faith as you recognize that the content of them could only be birthed in Almighty God.
Jesus demonstrated the ability of living out of constant contact with God, declaring that He did nothing on His own initiative, but only what He saw the Father doing, and heard the Father saying (Jn. 5:19,20,30). What an incredible way to live!
Is it possible for you to live out of divine initiative as Jesus did? Yes! Fix your eyes upon Jesus. The veil has been torn, giving access into the immediate presence of God, and He calls you to draw near (Lk. 23:45; Heb. l0: 19-22). “I pray that the eyes of your heart will be enlightened….”
Key #4 – Journaling, the writing out of your prayers and God’s answers, brings great freedom in hearing God’s voice.
God told Habakkuk to record the vision (Hab. 2:2). This was not an isolated command. The Scriptures record many examples of individual’s prayers and God’s replies (e.g. the Psalms, many of the prophets, Revelation).
I call the process "two-way journaling," and I have found it to be a fabulous catalyst for clearly discerning God's inner, spontaneous flow, because as I journal I am able to write in faith for long periods of time, simply believing it is God. I know that what I believe I have received from God must be tested. However, testing involves doubt and doubt blocks divine communication, so I do not want to test while I am trying to receive. With journaling, I can receive in faith, knowing that when the flow has ended I can test and examine it carefully, making sure that it lines up with Scripture.
You will be amazed when you journal. Doubt may hinder you at first, but throw it off, reminding yourself that it is a biblical concept, and that God is present, speaking to His children. Relax. When we cease our labors and enter His rest, God is free to flow (Heb. 4:10 ). Sit back comfortably, take out your pen and paper, smile, and turn your attention toward the Lord in praise and worship, seeking His face. After you write your question to Him, become still, fixing your gaze on Jesus You will suddenly have a very good thought. Don't doubt it; simply write it down. Later, as you read your journaling, you, too, will be blessed to discover that you are indeed dialoguing with God.
Some final notes: Knowing God through the Bible is a vital foundation to hearing His voice in your heart, so you must have a solid commitment to knowing and obeying the Scriptures. It is also very important for your growth and safety that you be related to solid, spiritual counselors All major directional moves that come through journaling should be confirmed by your counselors before you act upon them.
signboard, a reachout tool?
Looking for a Sign
The pastor who gives his town what they're looking for.
by Steve Molin
In the year since we installed our back-lit message board, we've become known as "the church with the sign." The first few messages were of the white-bread variety—"Join us for Lenten services" and such. But when I was gone for a week, I posted this message: "Pastor on vacation. Now is a good time to visit." When I returned, the sign read: "Shhhh! He's back!"
The response was incredible. People began to drive by our church just to see what the sign said. Members began describing their church as "You know, the one with the sign."
Just a bit of attitude
Three factors make for a noticeable message: humor, timing, and cultural relevance.
When we set a record for consecutive rainy days, the sign said: "Hey Noah, still got those blueprints?"
During our local Lumberjack Days festival, we posted: "Seek, knock, and axe."
When the star of our professional football team announced that he didn't play hard every play, but rather "played when he wanted to play," we responded: "I do a sign when I want to do a sign. The Sign Guy." And when we announced: "Sign Guy fired! Job opening," we actually had two people come in to apply.
And when Green Bay lost the NFC championship, we announced: "Packer fans—Counseling available here." It was all done in fun.
But there are times when only a serious message is appropriate. "Hope is born" was our Christmas message. For Easter: "Grass. The river. Jesus. All have risen!" And by noon on September 11, we implored people: "Stop everything and pray."
Does it bring them in?
As I was changing the sign one morning, a man appeared from nowhere. "Are you the Sign Guy?" he asked.
"Who wants to know?" I responded, wondering if he liked or hated our sign.
"I love your signs!" he said. "I don't go to church; I'll probably never go to church. But I drive out of my way to read your church sign every week." He told me his name was Sam.
The following week, I posted: "A guy named Sam loves our sign!" Just before the Sunday evening service, there was a knock at my office door, and a member said, "Pastor Steve, there's a guy named Sam here to see you."
"Does he have a gun?" I asked. No, he had a camera! When he saw me, he gave me a hug.
"I love the sign; I took a picture of it to show my family and friends!"
"You know, Sam," I said, "You really need to worship with us some Sunday."
"I think I might just do that," he replied. No Sam sighting so far, but I remain hopeful.
We continue to post a new sign every week. Almost 9,000 cars pass our church every day, and we hope to catch their attention long enough to share the grace of God, in 15 words or less. The most important thing we can say is "Welcome! God loves you, and so do we!"
Open Invitation: On the same day Gov. Jesse Ventura closed the governor's mansion because of a budget shortfall, "Good Morning America" took its roadtrip to Stillwater, Minnesota. Charlie and Diane got the word and met Jesse for breakfast. And the sign was featured in the St. Paul Pioneer Press.
The Sign Guy's Favorites
Looking for a sign God loves you?
Okay, God loves you!
Sign broken.
Come inside for message.
Christmas — Easter.
Why not stop in between holidays?
Plenty of front row seats available.
Steve Molin is senior pastor of Our Savior's Lutheran Church in Stillwater, Minnesota.
Originally published in Leadership journal, July 1, 2002.
Copyright © 2002 by the author or Christianity Today International/Leadership Journal.
Click here for reprint information on Leadership Journal.
Summer 2002, Vol. XXIV, No. 3, Page 78
The pastor who gives his town what they're looking for.
by Steve Molin
In the year since we installed our back-lit message board, we've become known as "the church with the sign." The first few messages were of the white-bread variety—"Join us for Lenten services" and such. But when I was gone for a week, I posted this message: "Pastor on vacation. Now is a good time to visit." When I returned, the sign read: "Shhhh! He's back!"
The response was incredible. People began to drive by our church just to see what the sign said. Members began describing their church as "You know, the one with the sign."
Just a bit of attitude
Three factors make for a noticeable message: humor, timing, and cultural relevance.
When we set a record for consecutive rainy days, the sign said: "Hey Noah, still got those blueprints?"
During our local Lumberjack Days festival, we posted: "Seek, knock, and axe."
When the star of our professional football team announced that he didn't play hard every play, but rather "played when he wanted to play," we responded: "I do a sign when I want to do a sign. The Sign Guy." And when we announced: "Sign Guy fired! Job opening," we actually had two people come in to apply.
And when Green Bay lost the NFC championship, we announced: "Packer fans—Counseling available here." It was all done in fun.
But there are times when only a serious message is appropriate. "Hope is born" was our Christmas message. For Easter: "Grass. The river. Jesus. All have risen!" And by noon on September 11, we implored people: "Stop everything and pray."
Does it bring them in?
As I was changing the sign one morning, a man appeared from nowhere. "Are you the Sign Guy?" he asked.
"Who wants to know?" I responded, wondering if he liked or hated our sign.
"I love your signs!" he said. "I don't go to church; I'll probably never go to church. But I drive out of my way to read your church sign every week." He told me his name was Sam.
The following week, I posted: "A guy named Sam loves our sign!" Just before the Sunday evening service, there was a knock at my office door, and a member said, "Pastor Steve, there's a guy named Sam here to see you."
"Does he have a gun?" I asked. No, he had a camera! When he saw me, he gave me a hug.
"I love the sign; I took a picture of it to show my family and friends!"
"You know, Sam," I said, "You really need to worship with us some Sunday."
"I think I might just do that," he replied. No Sam sighting so far, but I remain hopeful.
We continue to post a new sign every week. Almost 9,000 cars pass our church every day, and we hope to catch their attention long enough to share the grace of God, in 15 words or less. The most important thing we can say is "Welcome! God loves you, and so do we!"
Open Invitation: On the same day Gov. Jesse Ventura closed the governor's mansion because of a budget shortfall, "Good Morning America" took its roadtrip to Stillwater, Minnesota. Charlie and Diane got the word and met Jesse for breakfast. And the sign was featured in the St. Paul Pioneer Press.
The Sign Guy's Favorites
Looking for a sign God loves you?
Okay, God loves you!
Sign broken.
Come inside for message.
Christmas — Easter.
Why not stop in between holidays?
Plenty of front row seats available.
Steve Molin is senior pastor of Our Savior's Lutheran Church in Stillwater, Minnesota.
Originally published in Leadership journal, July 1, 2002.
Copyright © 2002 by the author or Christianity Today International/Leadership Journal.
Click here for reprint information on Leadership Journal.
Summer 2002, Vol. XXIV, No. 3, Page 78
why we lost trust in church leaadership?
Can I Trust You? (free sample)
by Angie Ward
Strengthening the three legs of trust.
See "Vulnerability" Training Pack
Topics: Character, Communication, Integrity, Vulnerability
Filters: Church board, Elder, Management, Pastor
Purpose: Ministry
References: None
Date Added: September 23, 2009
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"I just don't understand," Tom lamented. "My board is saying they don't trust me. But I'm not dishonest, and I would never intentionally do anything to hurt my church because God clearly called me to plant Community Fellowship."
Tom didn't know what to do, but he definitely knew something wasn't quite right. Although his church was experiencing explosive growth, Tom was perplexed by criticisms of his ministry at the leadership level. Board meetings were growing increasingly tense, and questions of Tom's integrity became more frequent. The more insecure he felt, the less he communicated with his board, which led to even louder murmuring among those "in the know" at the church. But Tom had no idea how this had happened, or what could be done to change it.
Tom's situation is not unique. In my work with churches and ministry leaders, I have frequently discovered an underlying current of mistrust within the organization, a current that subtly but surely erodes a church's foundation.
Trust is critical to a church's health and, ultimately, to its ministry effectiveness. When people in a church don't trust each other or their leaders, the church becomes a diseased organism that will poison those who come into contact with it, or shrivel up and stop producing fruit—often times both.
And while mistrust can and does exist at all levels within a church, its leaders generally set the tone for organizational health. Unfortunately, many leaders do not realize that trust has several key components. This misunderstanding becomes clear in situations like Tom's. Often times, when a leader is told that she is not trustworthy, she mistakenly takes it to mean that she is being accused of dishonesty or deceit.
But I've become convinced that a leader's (or group of leaders') credibility stands on not just one, but three legs; when any one of those three legs is broken or even wobbly, trust quickly erodes; a leader's credibility is called into question, and the church's health is compromised.
These three legs are character, competence, and communication.
1. Character.
This component of trust is the most obvious, and the one that is most often singularly equated with trust. Character can be defined as a leader's sense of moral fortitude, an inner compass that determines how a person acts when no one else is looking, and it is often described externally as a person's reputation. In ministry, there is no dispute that great leaders are people of good repute who exhibit strong, godly character. A person of weak character, on the other hand, will by definition be dishonest or double-tongued.
2. Competence.
Even if a leader demonstrates honest and trustworthy character, he or she might not be competent for the task at hand. In Tom's case, he was an amazing and truly inspiring visionary, but he was not at all gifted in the areas of strategy and day-to-day execution. In these areas, Tom was not trustworthy. It's not that he was dishonest, but he was unreliable—not as deep-seated as a true character flaw, but a variation of untrustworthiness nonetheless. As a result, even though his character was above reproach, trust in his leadership began to break down.
3. Communication.
The final leg of trust is communication, and in my experience, this is often the most easily overlooked element of trust, because it exists at the most basic, everyday level of leadership. But it is precisely because it exists at such a basic level that communication is so foundational to leadership trust.
If a leader does not communicate well (and by "well" I mean with honesty and frequency at all levels in the organization and along all stages of an issue or task), colleagues and congregation alike will start to wonder if a deeper problem exists. And it is this first question that starts to weaken the foundation of trust.
Now, one incident of mis- (or missing) communication generally isn't enough to cast a cloud over otherwise impeccable character and competence. However, a pattern of spotty communication allows doubts to surface: "If Pastor is not communicating about this, what else is he withholding from us?" Trust erodes, and eventually character itself gets called into question.
I know of more than one ministry leader who has been accused of deception (which is a character issue), when the entire problem could have been avoided with more diligent communication around the matter at hand, be it a fundraising campaign or other financial matter, a moral issue, or the process of change within the church. In Tom's case, his communication "sin" was one of omission; fortunately, he recognized the problem in time to reverse most, although not all, of the damage that had been done to that point.
For most leaders, as with Tom, the first step is simply awareness. As a ministry leader, recognize the importance of trust. Next, learn the difference between the three legs, and their different roles in facilitating trust. Finally, learn to recognize when one or more of the legs are broken or in danger of breaking down in your ministry, and how to repair them. The result will be a stronger foundation, a healthier church, and greater ministry effectiveness.
Adapted from Leadership journal, © 2006 Christianity Today International. For more articles like this, visit www.Leadershipjournal.net.
by Angie Ward
Strengthening the three legs of trust.
See "Vulnerability" Training Pack
Topics: Character, Communication, Integrity, Vulnerability
Filters: Church board, Elder, Management, Pastor
Purpose: Ministry
References: None
Date Added: September 23, 2009
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"I just don't understand," Tom lamented. "My board is saying they don't trust me. But I'm not dishonest, and I would never intentionally do anything to hurt my church because God clearly called me to plant Community Fellowship."
Tom didn't know what to do, but he definitely knew something wasn't quite right. Although his church was experiencing explosive growth, Tom was perplexed by criticisms of his ministry at the leadership level. Board meetings were growing increasingly tense, and questions of Tom's integrity became more frequent. The more insecure he felt, the less he communicated with his board, which led to even louder murmuring among those "in the know" at the church. But Tom had no idea how this had happened, or what could be done to change it.
Tom's situation is not unique. In my work with churches and ministry leaders, I have frequently discovered an underlying current of mistrust within the organization, a current that subtly but surely erodes a church's foundation.
Trust is critical to a church's health and, ultimately, to its ministry effectiveness. When people in a church don't trust each other or their leaders, the church becomes a diseased organism that will poison those who come into contact with it, or shrivel up and stop producing fruit—often times both.
And while mistrust can and does exist at all levels within a church, its leaders generally set the tone for organizational health. Unfortunately, many leaders do not realize that trust has several key components. This misunderstanding becomes clear in situations like Tom's. Often times, when a leader is told that she is not trustworthy, she mistakenly takes it to mean that she is being accused of dishonesty or deceit.
But I've become convinced that a leader's (or group of leaders') credibility stands on not just one, but three legs; when any one of those three legs is broken or even wobbly, trust quickly erodes; a leader's credibility is called into question, and the church's health is compromised.
These three legs are character, competence, and communication.
1. Character.
This component of trust is the most obvious, and the one that is most often singularly equated with trust. Character can be defined as a leader's sense of moral fortitude, an inner compass that determines how a person acts when no one else is looking, and it is often described externally as a person's reputation. In ministry, there is no dispute that great leaders are people of good repute who exhibit strong, godly character. A person of weak character, on the other hand, will by definition be dishonest or double-tongued.
2. Competence.
Even if a leader demonstrates honest and trustworthy character, he or she might not be competent for the task at hand. In Tom's case, he was an amazing and truly inspiring visionary, but he was not at all gifted in the areas of strategy and day-to-day execution. In these areas, Tom was not trustworthy. It's not that he was dishonest, but he was unreliable—not as deep-seated as a true character flaw, but a variation of untrustworthiness nonetheless. As a result, even though his character was above reproach, trust in his leadership began to break down.
3. Communication.
The final leg of trust is communication, and in my experience, this is often the most easily overlooked element of trust, because it exists at the most basic, everyday level of leadership. But it is precisely because it exists at such a basic level that communication is so foundational to leadership trust.
If a leader does not communicate well (and by "well" I mean with honesty and frequency at all levels in the organization and along all stages of an issue or task), colleagues and congregation alike will start to wonder if a deeper problem exists. And it is this first question that starts to weaken the foundation of trust.
Now, one incident of mis- (or missing) communication generally isn't enough to cast a cloud over otherwise impeccable character and competence. However, a pattern of spotty communication allows doubts to surface: "If Pastor is not communicating about this, what else is he withholding from us?" Trust erodes, and eventually character itself gets called into question.
I know of more than one ministry leader who has been accused of deception (which is a character issue), when the entire problem could have been avoided with more diligent communication around the matter at hand, be it a fundraising campaign or other financial matter, a moral issue, or the process of change within the church. In Tom's case, his communication "sin" was one of omission; fortunately, he recognized the problem in time to reverse most, although not all, of the damage that had been done to that point.
For most leaders, as with Tom, the first step is simply awareness. As a ministry leader, recognize the importance of trust. Next, learn the difference between the three legs, and their different roles in facilitating trust. Finally, learn to recognize when one or more of the legs are broken or in danger of breaking down in your ministry, and how to repair them. The result will be a stronger foundation, a healthier church, and greater ministry effectiveness.
Adapted from Leadership journal, © 2006 Christianity Today International. For more articles like this, visit www.Leadershipjournal.net.
gap in the church
Adapted from Christianity Today
When Pastor Rehoboam took over the flock after the long tenure of his father, change management was his number one challenge. Everyone had different ideas about how he should lead the community. Some of the members of the congregation met with him to politely suggest some policy changes focused largely on the optimal intensity of membership requirements.
Rehoboam requested more time and decided to meet with his leadership team. He split the team into two groups: the rapidly aging Boomer leaders and the emerging leaders. Not surprisingly, they gave him diametrically opposite advice. He took the advice of the leaders from his own generation and crafted a compelling strategy ("My father scourged you with whips; I will scourge you with scorpions.") People by and large did not get on board with the new vision.
When Rehoboam sent out a staff member named Adoniram, who was in charge of equipping ministries (the TNIV translates it "forced labor"), the people stoned him. There was a big church split, there were serious worship wars (and in those days worship wars were worship wars), and after two and a half millennia, things still have not completely healed.
The moral of the story is that you should have all generations represented in a single leadership team. Actually, you could probably draw other insights from the passage (2 Chronicles 10) as well. But it is striking that even in the Bible, one of the ways that human community becomes disrupted is the generational divide.
Scratching a niche
If the generational divide was a gap then, it is a canyon now. We are niched by generation as never before. Thirty years ago, families had one TV with three channels; and if people watched something, they watched the same something together. Today there are more channels than you can count, and they no longer broadcast; they narrowcast to a little sliver in the age spectrum.
I serve at a 135-year-old Presbyterian church with a wide span of ages in the congregation and a leadership team with members who range in age from 26 (not me) to 68 (also not me). They are a fabulous group of human beings. Navigating change wisely is the subtext beneath almost every conversation we have. I will tell you what we are learning about generations working together.
We are making it up as we go along
If there are not regular disagreements, i know, as a leader, i've not engaged people fully.Multi-generational church ministry in our day is uncharted territory. In past centuries, because culture changed more slowly, when people entered the church, they entered church culture. They sang common music and spoke a common language. Today, church life has largely been contextualized to reach people in popular culture. But pop culture has fragmented into all kinds of micro-cultures. Generations are generally segregated by media, clothes, music, entertainment, and technology. Trying to reach different generations simultaneously has become like trying to design one church that will work in both Spain and France.
I was looking at church websites not long ago and noticed a fascinating dynamic. Many new churches have been formed with "multi-cultural" as part of their DNA and a stated value. But I have not yet seen a new church plant with "multi-generational" in its vision statement. In all the cases I read (in an admittedly non-scientific sample), "multi-generational" in a church's self-description was a euphemism for "we are an aging church that wants to have more young people attending so that we don't die, but we don't want to change enough to actually attract any of them to come."
Churches that do best at multi-generational community have tended to be smaller churches from Amish or Mennonite traditions, in which children are acculturated into the common life of the church from early childhood. If this hasn't happened by the time they're twelve or so, they are already so shaped by their own generational "micro-culture" that it's not likely to happen at all.
When we began to talk about multi-generational community, one of our (younger) staff leaders asked a terrific question: what does it mean? How do we know if we're successful at it? One of the most common ways to define it is in terms of a worship service. By this definition, effective intergenerational worship would be a congregation of diverse ages sitting through a service of mixed styles that displeases everyone equally.
But another way of defining it is relational. How many relationships with people of different generations do folks at our church have? This leads us to look at the kind of activities and events that are actually relationship building.
This past week at our church, we held Compassion Weekend. We canceled our regular services and worshipped God by serving throughout the San Francisco Bay area. One of the highlights of the weekend is the relationships that form when young and old serve together. Musical tastes often separate people; serving brings them together. We had a 98-year-old woman serving at a Habitat for Humanity construction project. We had a two-year-old helping with folks building kits for AIDS caregivers in Africa.
We've also had an increasing number of people signing up for multi-generational small groups. One of the biggest requests in churches is also one of the least delivered—intergenerational mentoring. But you can't get mentored by a stranger. Finding a mentor is like finding a spouse; it works best if you start out by being friends first.
We must get past terminal niceness
There is an old saying in the church world that "the issue is never the issue; the issue is always control." And when it comes to generations working together, the question of control is never more than about a micron below the surface.
We had a conversation around our leadership circle recently about food in the sanctuary. It was fascinating to track the discussion. To some, bringing food into the sanctuary communicates a dumbing down of worship, a devaluing of sacred space, and a loss of transcendence and wonder. The chief justice doesn't snack on Raisinettes while he's swearing in the new president.
To others, being able to bring coffee or a bagel into church communicates a sense of community, warmth, and acceptance that is desperately needed. It's a way of defusing the expectation of a stuffy, formal, inauthentic, foreign experience that tells me I'm not welcome and the church doesn't care.
But underneath the issues of food, or dress, or style, often lies the deeper issue of control.
One researcher put it like this: we often think people are opposed to change, but that's not quite true. Everybody changes all the time—particularly when they are the ones proposing the change. It helps to distinguish between two types of change: technical change and social change.
Technical change has to do with logistics and props. Switching from typewriters to computers, or pews to individual chairs, or hard copies to email are technical changes.
Social change has to do with who is making the decision. Social change has to do with who is in control.
Any time a technical change is made, it raises the issue of social change. Am I and my group gaining or losing our influence? Who gets to call the shots around here? If my influence is receding, then probably my sense of ownership and commitment will diminish as well. This is why trying to sneak changes past people is generally a bad idea.
Recently we had a conversation about changes in worship at a service where I thought there hadn't been any change. But someone noted that a worship leader that used to be sitting behind a keyboard is now usually standing behind a raised keyboard. It had not occurred to me that this counted as change. But to somebody else, it was a step in a direction she hadn't gotten to vote on.
This also means that on the leadership team, we have to embrace conflict. Where there is a difference of opinion that falls out along generational lines, we have to be willing to enter the tunnel of chaos. If there are not regular, passionate, energized disagreements about what our future should look like, I know I have not done my job as a leader to engage people fully.
We don't know what we don't know
I was visiting a large church in southern California not long ago. The band was leading a worship song that wasn't just pushing the envelope, it actually left the envelope altogether and was Fed-exing itself into tomorrow. The senior pastor was flushed with irritation that they would do a song that so obviously interfered with everyone's worship.
Until he looked at his daughter, who happened to be visiting that weekend.
Tears were streaming down her face. She told him later how that song resonated with and expressed the worship of her heart like nothing she had ever heard. She told him how proud she was that the church would allow worship that resonates with her generation.
Those of us who are older tend to under-estimate the difference between generations. We think that what feels comfortable to us will not—or should not—be a barrier to those who are younger. Those of us who are younger tend to over-estimate the difference between generations. We feel as if those who are older are a different species and could never understand our experience. One of the most important concepts along these lines has to do with the notion of connection. Who feels "connected" at our church?
I used to think that connection had primarily to do with relationships. But it does not. Connectedness is a separate notion. It has to do with whether or not, when I enter a church, it feels like a place for "people like me." How people dress, how they talk, what the music is like—many details create a sense of connection or disconnection.
If I feel connected, I am likely to overlook how disconnected people of another generation may feel. So we have to have constant conversations about the experience of people in our generation at our church. We will never be able to make all people feel totally connected at all services. But at least we have to be aware of the dynamics.
We recently did a survey to gauge our church's effectiveness at ministering to families and people of differing generations. In talking about the survey, I mentioned from the platform we needed feedback about generational issues. Following the service, a number of attendees approached staff people to comment on aspects of the service that they did not like. When I heard about this, my first inclination was to feel deflated and defensive.
But another very wise staff member immediately responded, "That's great! Now the conversation has begun." And I realized the importance of her mindset. We can never move to where we want to be without speaking honestly about where we are.
How another generation needs me
One of the younger women on our leadership team, a recent seminary grad with tons of leadership gifts, was speaking recently about her desire to contribute.
"I want to be developed," she said. "I know I have lots to learn, but I want to have some people who believe in me. I want to be part of a team where people are cheering me on and helping me soar. And I want to do the same for them."
As someone who has been involved in church ministry for almost thirty years, it struck me that I get a chance now to do for younger team members what mentors did for me. I thought about how much joy there is in helping someone discover her gifts and flourish.
At the same time, one of the older members of our team talked about how much energy he received by sitting around the circle with people who were decades younger. I recalled a conversation with a man in his eighties who had done church ministry all his life but had never reached out to younger people. He spoke of his sadness and loneliness now that his contemporaries were dying off.
Churches do not hit the multi-generational crisis until after their first thirty years or so. Churches often begin by targeting young people, and may attract a fair number of older folks who want to be around the energy.
But the real challenge comes when the core that the church was built around begins to age, and the people the church needs to reach are different from the people the church already has. It's one thing if I go to a "younger" church because I choose to. It's another thing if my church decides to go "younger" while I'm there.
It's up to the older generation to figure out how to hand the faith to the younger generation.
Some time ago I read something about the delegation of responsibility, and it used this analogy: the person who owns the problem is the person who has "a monkey on his back." The gist of the article was a warning to be careful if you're a manager not to accept monkeys from others. If a subordinate tells you, "Here's this problem," and you respond, "I'll think about it and get back to you," you've got the monkey.
Who's got the monkey now?
In churches, we have to be clear about who's got the monkey. God's plan is that wisdom and love and especially knowledge of him be passed from one generation to another. That means the church needs to recognize which generation has the monkey of faith transmission. The monkey rests with the older generation.
Many different methods have been used over the centuries. In Moses' day, those who were older would write commands on gates and doors. In the book of Joshua, Israel is eager to move on after crossing the Jordan, but God has them make a pile of twelve boulders. "In the future, when your children ask you, 'What do these stones mean?' tell them…'Israel crossed the Jordan on dry ground. He did this so that all the peoples of the earth might know that the hand of the Lord is powerful and so that you might always fear the lord your god'" (Josh. 4:21-24).
A few hundred years ago, the Heidelberg Catechism asked children: What is your only comfort in life and in death? Answer: That I am not my own, but belong—body and soul, in life and in death—to my faithful Savior Jesus Christ."
Sometimes churches used stained glass windows. (One pastor I know asked children during a children's sermon to look at their large stained glass window and identify: who is that figure holding two tablets? A seven-year-old girl answered, "Moses." The pastor asked, "How did you know?" "Because under his picture," she said, "it says, 'Moses.'") When I was young, the church used a brand new technology called flannelgraph. The church has used many different methods. But it's up to the older generation to figure out how to get it done.
We can't say, "We were faithful; good luck to whoever comes next."
We can't say, "Here are the methods we responded to when we were young. If you look like us, dress like us, sing like us, talk like us, then we'll pass on the faith and you can know God. Otherwise, we'll just let you drift into an eternity apart from God."
So as a leadership team, we have to have a firm commitment from each person that the big issue is not Who gets to determine what's cool? or Who is it that gives the money that supports the church?' or Who carries the DNA? The question is: How do we pass the torch?
God is the God of every generation.
Sooner or later every church hits the generation issue. We are richer people when we work together. Our relationships are enhanced when we have multiple generations around the table.
God's plan is not for the church to be a one-generation operation with a 30-year shelf life. It is a richer thing to be part of a church that embraces multi-generational ministry and multi-generational leadership.
John Ortberg is pastor of Menlo Park Presbyterian Church in California, and editor at large of Leadership.
Copyright © 2009 by the author or Christianity Today International/Leadership Journal.
Click here for reprint information on Leadership Journal.
When Pastor Rehoboam took over the flock after the long tenure of his father, change management was his number one challenge. Everyone had different ideas about how he should lead the community. Some of the members of the congregation met with him to politely suggest some policy changes focused largely on the optimal intensity of membership requirements.
Rehoboam requested more time and decided to meet with his leadership team. He split the team into two groups: the rapidly aging Boomer leaders and the emerging leaders. Not surprisingly, they gave him diametrically opposite advice. He took the advice of the leaders from his own generation and crafted a compelling strategy ("My father scourged you with whips; I will scourge you with scorpions.") People by and large did not get on board with the new vision.
When Rehoboam sent out a staff member named Adoniram, who was in charge of equipping ministries (the TNIV translates it "forced labor"), the people stoned him. There was a big church split, there were serious worship wars (and in those days worship wars were worship wars), and after two and a half millennia, things still have not completely healed.
The moral of the story is that you should have all generations represented in a single leadership team. Actually, you could probably draw other insights from the passage (2 Chronicles 10) as well. But it is striking that even in the Bible, one of the ways that human community becomes disrupted is the generational divide.
Scratching a niche
If the generational divide was a gap then, it is a canyon now. We are niched by generation as never before. Thirty years ago, families had one TV with three channels; and if people watched something, they watched the same something together. Today there are more channels than you can count, and they no longer broadcast; they narrowcast to a little sliver in the age spectrum.
I serve at a 135-year-old Presbyterian church with a wide span of ages in the congregation and a leadership team with members who range in age from 26 (not me) to 68 (also not me). They are a fabulous group of human beings. Navigating change wisely is the subtext beneath almost every conversation we have. I will tell you what we are learning about generations working together.
We are making it up as we go along
If there are not regular disagreements, i know, as a leader, i've not engaged people fully.Multi-generational church ministry in our day is uncharted territory. In past centuries, because culture changed more slowly, when people entered the church, they entered church culture. They sang common music and spoke a common language. Today, church life has largely been contextualized to reach people in popular culture. But pop culture has fragmented into all kinds of micro-cultures. Generations are generally segregated by media, clothes, music, entertainment, and technology. Trying to reach different generations simultaneously has become like trying to design one church that will work in both Spain and France.
I was looking at church websites not long ago and noticed a fascinating dynamic. Many new churches have been formed with "multi-cultural" as part of their DNA and a stated value. But I have not yet seen a new church plant with "multi-generational" in its vision statement. In all the cases I read (in an admittedly non-scientific sample), "multi-generational" in a church's self-description was a euphemism for "we are an aging church that wants to have more young people attending so that we don't die, but we don't want to change enough to actually attract any of them to come."
Churches that do best at multi-generational community have tended to be smaller churches from Amish or Mennonite traditions, in which children are acculturated into the common life of the church from early childhood. If this hasn't happened by the time they're twelve or so, they are already so shaped by their own generational "micro-culture" that it's not likely to happen at all.
When we began to talk about multi-generational community, one of our (younger) staff leaders asked a terrific question: what does it mean? How do we know if we're successful at it? One of the most common ways to define it is in terms of a worship service. By this definition, effective intergenerational worship would be a congregation of diverse ages sitting through a service of mixed styles that displeases everyone equally.
But another way of defining it is relational. How many relationships with people of different generations do folks at our church have? This leads us to look at the kind of activities and events that are actually relationship building.
This past week at our church, we held Compassion Weekend. We canceled our regular services and worshipped God by serving throughout the San Francisco Bay area. One of the highlights of the weekend is the relationships that form when young and old serve together. Musical tastes often separate people; serving brings them together. We had a 98-year-old woman serving at a Habitat for Humanity construction project. We had a two-year-old helping with folks building kits for AIDS caregivers in Africa.
We've also had an increasing number of people signing up for multi-generational small groups. One of the biggest requests in churches is also one of the least delivered—intergenerational mentoring. But you can't get mentored by a stranger. Finding a mentor is like finding a spouse; it works best if you start out by being friends first.
We must get past terminal niceness
There is an old saying in the church world that "the issue is never the issue; the issue is always control." And when it comes to generations working together, the question of control is never more than about a micron below the surface.
We had a conversation around our leadership circle recently about food in the sanctuary. It was fascinating to track the discussion. To some, bringing food into the sanctuary communicates a dumbing down of worship, a devaluing of sacred space, and a loss of transcendence and wonder. The chief justice doesn't snack on Raisinettes while he's swearing in the new president.
To others, being able to bring coffee or a bagel into church communicates a sense of community, warmth, and acceptance that is desperately needed. It's a way of defusing the expectation of a stuffy, formal, inauthentic, foreign experience that tells me I'm not welcome and the church doesn't care.
But underneath the issues of food, or dress, or style, often lies the deeper issue of control.
One researcher put it like this: we often think people are opposed to change, but that's not quite true. Everybody changes all the time—particularly when they are the ones proposing the change. It helps to distinguish between two types of change: technical change and social change.
Technical change has to do with logistics and props. Switching from typewriters to computers, or pews to individual chairs, or hard copies to email are technical changes.
Social change has to do with who is making the decision. Social change has to do with who is in control.
Any time a technical change is made, it raises the issue of social change. Am I and my group gaining or losing our influence? Who gets to call the shots around here? If my influence is receding, then probably my sense of ownership and commitment will diminish as well. This is why trying to sneak changes past people is generally a bad idea.
Recently we had a conversation about changes in worship at a service where I thought there hadn't been any change. But someone noted that a worship leader that used to be sitting behind a keyboard is now usually standing behind a raised keyboard. It had not occurred to me that this counted as change. But to somebody else, it was a step in a direction she hadn't gotten to vote on.
This also means that on the leadership team, we have to embrace conflict. Where there is a difference of opinion that falls out along generational lines, we have to be willing to enter the tunnel of chaos. If there are not regular, passionate, energized disagreements about what our future should look like, I know I have not done my job as a leader to engage people fully.
We don't know what we don't know
I was visiting a large church in southern California not long ago. The band was leading a worship song that wasn't just pushing the envelope, it actually left the envelope altogether and was Fed-exing itself into tomorrow. The senior pastor was flushed with irritation that they would do a song that so obviously interfered with everyone's worship.
Until he looked at his daughter, who happened to be visiting that weekend.
Tears were streaming down her face. She told him later how that song resonated with and expressed the worship of her heart like nothing she had ever heard. She told him how proud she was that the church would allow worship that resonates with her generation.
Those of us who are older tend to under-estimate the difference between generations. We think that what feels comfortable to us will not—or should not—be a barrier to those who are younger. Those of us who are younger tend to over-estimate the difference between generations. We feel as if those who are older are a different species and could never understand our experience. One of the most important concepts along these lines has to do with the notion of connection. Who feels "connected" at our church?
I used to think that connection had primarily to do with relationships. But it does not. Connectedness is a separate notion. It has to do with whether or not, when I enter a church, it feels like a place for "people like me." How people dress, how they talk, what the music is like—many details create a sense of connection or disconnection.
If I feel connected, I am likely to overlook how disconnected people of another generation may feel. So we have to have constant conversations about the experience of people in our generation at our church. We will never be able to make all people feel totally connected at all services. But at least we have to be aware of the dynamics.
We recently did a survey to gauge our church's effectiveness at ministering to families and people of differing generations. In talking about the survey, I mentioned from the platform we needed feedback about generational issues. Following the service, a number of attendees approached staff people to comment on aspects of the service that they did not like. When I heard about this, my first inclination was to feel deflated and defensive.
But another very wise staff member immediately responded, "That's great! Now the conversation has begun." And I realized the importance of her mindset. We can never move to where we want to be without speaking honestly about where we are.
How another generation needs me
One of the younger women on our leadership team, a recent seminary grad with tons of leadership gifts, was speaking recently about her desire to contribute.
"I want to be developed," she said. "I know I have lots to learn, but I want to have some people who believe in me. I want to be part of a team where people are cheering me on and helping me soar. And I want to do the same for them."
As someone who has been involved in church ministry for almost thirty years, it struck me that I get a chance now to do for younger team members what mentors did for me. I thought about how much joy there is in helping someone discover her gifts and flourish.
At the same time, one of the older members of our team talked about how much energy he received by sitting around the circle with people who were decades younger. I recalled a conversation with a man in his eighties who had done church ministry all his life but had never reached out to younger people. He spoke of his sadness and loneliness now that his contemporaries were dying off.
Churches do not hit the multi-generational crisis until after their first thirty years or so. Churches often begin by targeting young people, and may attract a fair number of older folks who want to be around the energy.
But the real challenge comes when the core that the church was built around begins to age, and the people the church needs to reach are different from the people the church already has. It's one thing if I go to a "younger" church because I choose to. It's another thing if my church decides to go "younger" while I'm there.
It's up to the older generation to figure out how to hand the faith to the younger generation.
Some time ago I read something about the delegation of responsibility, and it used this analogy: the person who owns the problem is the person who has "a monkey on his back." The gist of the article was a warning to be careful if you're a manager not to accept monkeys from others. If a subordinate tells you, "Here's this problem," and you respond, "I'll think about it and get back to you," you've got the monkey.
Who's got the monkey now?
In churches, we have to be clear about who's got the monkey. God's plan is that wisdom and love and especially knowledge of him be passed from one generation to another. That means the church needs to recognize which generation has the monkey of faith transmission. The monkey rests with the older generation.
Many different methods have been used over the centuries. In Moses' day, those who were older would write commands on gates and doors. In the book of Joshua, Israel is eager to move on after crossing the Jordan, but God has them make a pile of twelve boulders. "In the future, when your children ask you, 'What do these stones mean?' tell them…'Israel crossed the Jordan on dry ground. He did this so that all the peoples of the earth might know that the hand of the Lord is powerful and so that you might always fear the lord your god'" (Josh. 4:21-24).
A few hundred years ago, the Heidelberg Catechism asked children: What is your only comfort in life and in death? Answer: That I am not my own, but belong—body and soul, in life and in death—to my faithful Savior Jesus Christ."
Sometimes churches used stained glass windows. (One pastor I know asked children during a children's sermon to look at their large stained glass window and identify: who is that figure holding two tablets? A seven-year-old girl answered, "Moses." The pastor asked, "How did you know?" "Because under his picture," she said, "it says, 'Moses.'") When I was young, the church used a brand new technology called flannelgraph. The church has used many different methods. But it's up to the older generation to figure out how to get it done.
We can't say, "We were faithful; good luck to whoever comes next."
We can't say, "Here are the methods we responded to when we were young. If you look like us, dress like us, sing like us, talk like us, then we'll pass on the faith and you can know God. Otherwise, we'll just let you drift into an eternity apart from God."
So as a leadership team, we have to have a firm commitment from each person that the big issue is not Who gets to determine what's cool? or Who is it that gives the money that supports the church?' or Who carries the DNA? The question is: How do we pass the torch?
God is the God of every generation.
Sooner or later every church hits the generation issue. We are richer people when we work together. Our relationships are enhanced when we have multiple generations around the table.
God's plan is not for the church to be a one-generation operation with a 30-year shelf life. It is a richer thing to be part of a church that embraces multi-generational ministry and multi-generational leadership.
John Ortberg is pastor of Menlo Park Presbyterian Church in California, and editor at large of Leadership.
Copyright © 2009 by the author or Christianity Today International/Leadership Journal.
Click here for reprint information on Leadership Journal.
Fun ingredient
adapted from Christianity Today
Four days ago, I spoke with a new children's ministry director. Full of energy and halogen-bright excitement, she bubbled with the bravery needed for the role. I asked her what she felt most enthused about for the year ahead.
"Our new core team worked all summer long making changes," she said. My breathing quickened as I anticipated her description. A 1000-watt leader with a small but high-octane team can move mountains together. Oh, tell me, please, what wonderful ideas do you have planned?
"And even though the kids might not notice anything new, the educational principles we'll use will help them learn a ton," she said, and watched for my response.
I just smiled and turned away.
Okay, that's a line I borrowed from the song "American Pie" and not actually what I did. My disappointment stayed masked behind my facial expressions, and I wished her well for a few more minutes. Then I walked away and cringed.
Before you start judging me too harshly (which I might deserve), you should know that our neighbors visited this church. Their kids loathed the children's ministry program, and the family never returned—to any church, as far as we know. While I'll never know for sure, I doubt they felt let down by the educational principles behind the lesson.
Any church with serious passion about inviting new families to attend better offer an engaging children's program. Engaging for the kids. A family that doesn't typically go to church will not force sons and daughters to sit through a boring experience. It's not worth the fight.
So what's a children's ministry supposed to do? No, I'm not going to pitch constructing an indoor theme park.
Instead, build up a new value: fun.
During my years at Promiseland, the children's ministry at Willow Creek Community Church, Sue Miller taught me (and anyone who listened to her) plenty about this often-overlooked element of successful ministry. Carefully consider her wisdom, earned from many years of experience:
The reason for this value is quite simple—kids won't come back willingly if it's not fun. And they certainly won't invite their friends. An absence of fun will result in an absence of kids.
Kids pay us one of their highest compliments when they say Promiseland is fun. This is a high value to us because children are more motivated to learn in a fun-filled environment. Let's be honest—you and I are more motivated to learn and serve when we're having fun, too!
I have good news about fun—it's easy to figure out! Here's our approach: Talk to parents about what kids like to do and watch how kids play outside of church. Add surprises on Sundays because kids love surprises. Mix in celebrations. Physical activities are a must. Sprinkle in humor that they understand. We know immediately if we're hitting the fun value—smiles and bright eyes say it all.
Look for grown-up grins, too. When kids are having fun, adults will follow. And when creative elements are added to staff and volunteer team meetings, maybe a mystery game or generous amounts of chocolate (every adult involved in children's ministry likes chocolate!), the result is a spirit of community that keeps the team together and eager for future meetings. Fun is an allegiance that becomes the wonder of other ministries. Think for a moment, is there any other area of the church that can say they count fun as a core value?
Walk through Promiseland during Christmas services, and you'll see volunteer musicians and singers in the halls performing lively holiday songs for passersby. Check your child into Promiseland this weekend and he or she will start the hour at an activity area of his or her choice—possibly table games, crafts, or a competition. Sometimes we have hat weekend or a surprise party for small group leaders (spraying them with crazy string is totally optional!). Over time, fun just becomes the attitude of the ministry.
Just as with all values, fun is used to guide the ministry in pursuit of its mission—fun itself is not the mission. When children truly enjoy their time in children's ministry, the environment is set for creative, relevant Bible teaching and life-changing, intentional shepherding. An important thing to keep in mind about the fun value is the danger in assuming that activities appealing to one age group will play well in others. Geography and demographics are important, too. Fun in Illinois might have subtle, yet important, differences compared to what kids think is fun in California or Canada. (In fact, I'm certain fun is easier in California!)
A final thought about fun. When your ministry gets this value right, kids start referring to your ministry as their own. And when you hear children describing what they do in your program using the words "My church," your heart will fill with affirmation that you are not crazy for what you do: You're just having fun.
And new families will return to your church.
Adapted from Making Your Children's Ministry the Best Hour of Every Kid's Week (Zondervan, 2004).
Four days ago, I spoke with a new children's ministry director. Full of energy and halogen-bright excitement, she bubbled with the bravery needed for the role. I asked her what she felt most enthused about for the year ahead.
"Our new core team worked all summer long making changes," she said. My breathing quickened as I anticipated her description. A 1000-watt leader with a small but high-octane team can move mountains together. Oh, tell me, please, what wonderful ideas do you have planned?
"And even though the kids might not notice anything new, the educational principles we'll use will help them learn a ton," she said, and watched for my response.
I just smiled and turned away.
Okay, that's a line I borrowed from the song "American Pie" and not actually what I did. My disappointment stayed masked behind my facial expressions, and I wished her well for a few more minutes. Then I walked away and cringed.
Before you start judging me too harshly (which I might deserve), you should know that our neighbors visited this church. Their kids loathed the children's ministry program, and the family never returned—to any church, as far as we know. While I'll never know for sure, I doubt they felt let down by the educational principles behind the lesson.
Any church with serious passion about inviting new families to attend better offer an engaging children's program. Engaging for the kids. A family that doesn't typically go to church will not force sons and daughters to sit through a boring experience. It's not worth the fight.
So what's a children's ministry supposed to do? No, I'm not going to pitch constructing an indoor theme park.
Instead, build up a new value: fun.
During my years at Promiseland, the children's ministry at Willow Creek Community Church, Sue Miller taught me (and anyone who listened to her) plenty about this often-overlooked element of successful ministry. Carefully consider her wisdom, earned from many years of experience:
The reason for this value is quite simple—kids won't come back willingly if it's not fun. And they certainly won't invite their friends. An absence of fun will result in an absence of kids.
Kids pay us one of their highest compliments when they say Promiseland is fun. This is a high value to us because children are more motivated to learn in a fun-filled environment. Let's be honest—you and I are more motivated to learn and serve when we're having fun, too!
I have good news about fun—it's easy to figure out! Here's our approach: Talk to parents about what kids like to do and watch how kids play outside of church. Add surprises on Sundays because kids love surprises. Mix in celebrations. Physical activities are a must. Sprinkle in humor that they understand. We know immediately if we're hitting the fun value—smiles and bright eyes say it all.
Look for grown-up grins, too. When kids are having fun, adults will follow. And when creative elements are added to staff and volunteer team meetings, maybe a mystery game or generous amounts of chocolate (every adult involved in children's ministry likes chocolate!), the result is a spirit of community that keeps the team together and eager for future meetings. Fun is an allegiance that becomes the wonder of other ministries. Think for a moment, is there any other area of the church that can say they count fun as a core value?
Walk through Promiseland during Christmas services, and you'll see volunteer musicians and singers in the halls performing lively holiday songs for passersby. Check your child into Promiseland this weekend and he or she will start the hour at an activity area of his or her choice—possibly table games, crafts, or a competition. Sometimes we have hat weekend or a surprise party for small group leaders (spraying them with crazy string is totally optional!). Over time, fun just becomes the attitude of the ministry.
Just as with all values, fun is used to guide the ministry in pursuit of its mission—fun itself is not the mission. When children truly enjoy their time in children's ministry, the environment is set for creative, relevant Bible teaching and life-changing, intentional shepherding. An important thing to keep in mind about the fun value is the danger in assuming that activities appealing to one age group will play well in others. Geography and demographics are important, too. Fun in Illinois might have subtle, yet important, differences compared to what kids think is fun in California or Canada. (In fact, I'm certain fun is easier in California!)
A final thought about fun. When your ministry gets this value right, kids start referring to your ministry as their own. And when you hear children describing what they do in your program using the words "My church," your heart will fill with affirmation that you are not crazy for what you do: You're just having fun.
And new families will return to your church.
Adapted from Making Your Children's Ministry the Best Hour of Every Kid's Week (Zondervan, 2004).
Sense of guilt
adapted from Christianity Today
Survivors of some horrible plague or battle often find themselves wracked with guilt: Why did I live while so many died? Though I had no battle scars, I used to feel a similar sense of guilt. I married the only woman I've ever loved. We have three terrific children. I have a secure job that I love and that pays well. Sometimes I would ask God: Why have you been so kind to me? Why have I gotten such an easy life?
I don't ask those questions anymore.
A little over nine years ago, while driving home from a family vacation, my car got a flat tire. When I started to change it, something nasty happened at the base of my back. Ever since, my lower back and the top half of my right leg have hurt. After two operations, dozens of injections, physical therapy, psychotherapy, and thousands of pills, my back and right leg hurt every waking moment, and most of those moments, they hurt a lot. Living with chronic pain is like having an alarm clock taped to your ear with the volume turned up—and you can't turn it down. You can't run from it; the pain goes where you go and stays where you stay. Chronic pain is the unwelcome guest who will not leave when the party is over.
A few months after my back turned south, my family and I moved when I accepted a job at Harvard Law School. Our family began to unravel. One of our children suffered a life-threatening disease, and my marriage fell apart.
Those crises faded with time but left deep scars. Early last year, in February 2008, another piece of bad news struck me: Doctors found a large tumor in my colon; a month later, films turned up tumors in both of my lungs. In the past year, I've had two cancer surgeries and six months of intensive chemotherapy. I've been off chemo for a few months, but I'm still nauseous much of the time and exhausted most of the time. Cancer kills, but cancer treatment takes a large bite out of one's pre-diseased life, as though one were dying in stages. Some of that stolen life returns when the treatment stops. But only some.
Today, my back and especially my right leg hurt as much as they ever have, and the odds are overwhelming that they will hurt for as long as this life lasts. Cancer will very probably kill me within the next two years. I'm 50 years old.
Such stories are common, yet widely misunderstood. Two misunderstandings are worth noting here. First, illness does not beget virtue. Cancer and chronic pain make me sick; they don't make me good. I am who I was, only more diseased. Second, though I deserve every bad thing that has ever happened to me, those things didn't happen because I deserve them. Life in a fallen world is more arbitrary than that. Plenty of people deserve better from life than I do, but get much worse. Some deserve worse and get much better. Something important follows: The question we are most prone to ask when hardship strikes—why me?—makes no sense. That question presupposes that pain, disease, and death are distributed according to moral merit. They aren't. We live in a world in which innocent children starve while moral monsters prosper. We may see justice in the next life, but we see little of it in this one.
Thankfully, God gives better and more surprising gifts to those living in hard times. Three gifts are especially sweet.
Redeeming Curses
First, God usually doesn't remove life's curses. Instead, he redeems them.
Joseph's story makes this point. Joseph was victimized by two horrible injustices: one at the hands of his brothers who sold him into slavery, the other thanks to Potiphar's wife, who falsely accused him of attempted rape. God did not undo these injustices; they remained real and awful. Instead, God used those wrongs to prevent a much worse one: mass starvation. When Joseph later met with his brothers, he said this about the transaction that started the train rolling: "You meant it for evil, but God meant it for good." That doesn't mean that slavery and unjust imprisonment are good; rather, the point is that they produced good, and the good they produced was larger than the wickedness that was visited upon Joseph. Evil was twisted back on itself, like a gun barrel turned so that it aims at the would-be murderer firing the weapon.
Joseph's story foreshadows the central story of the Gospels. The worst day in human history was the day of Christ's crucifixion, which saw the worst possible punishment inflicted on the One who, in all history, least deserved it. Two more sunrises and the Son rose: the best day in human history, the day God turned death itself against itself—and because he did so, each one of us has the opportunity to share in death's defeat.
That is our God's trademark. Down to go up, life from death, beauty from ugliness: the pattern is everywhere.
That is our God's trademark. Down to go up, life from death, beauty from ugliness: the pattern is everywhere.That familiar pattern is also a great gift to those who suffer disease and loss—the loss may remain, but good will come from it, and the good will be larger than the suffering it redeems. Our pain is not empty; we do not suffer in vain. When life strikes hard blows, what we do has value. Our God sees it.
A change in suffering's character
The second gift is often missed, because it lives in salvation's shadow. Amazing as the greatest of all gifts is, God the Son does more than save sinners. Jesus' life and death also change the character of suffering, give it dignity and weight and even, sometimes, a measure of beauty. Cancer and chronic pain remain ugly things, but the enterprise of living with them is not an ugly thing. God's Son so decreed it when he gave himself up to torture and death.
Two facts give rise to that conclusion. First, Jesus is beautiful as well as good. Second, suffering is ugly as well as painful. Talk to those who suffer medical conditions like mine and you'll hear this refrain: Even the best-hidden forms of pain and disease have a reality that is almost tactile, as though one could touch or taste them. And those conditions are foul, like the sound of fingernails on a blackboard or the smell of a cornered skunk. Some days, I feel as if I were wearing clothes soaked in sewage.
Some days—but not most days, thanks to the manner of Jesus' life and death. Imagine Barack Obama putting on a bad suit or Angelina Jolie wearing an ugly dress. The suit wouldn't look bad, and that dress wouldn't be ugly. These are incredibly attractive people whose attractiveness spills over onto their clothing, changing its meaning and the way other people respond to it. If Obama or Jolie wear it, it's a good-looking outfit. If they wear it often enough, it becomes a good-looking outfit even when you or I wear it. God's Son did something similar by taking physical pain on his divine yet still-human person. He did not render pain itself beautiful. But his suffering made the enterprise of living with pain and illness larger and better than it had been before. He elevates all he touches. Just as his years of carpentry in Joseph's shop lend dignity and value to all honest work, so too the pain he bore lends dignity and value to every pain-filled day human beings live.
The Shawshank Redemption is about a prisoner convicted of a murder he didn't commit. That prisoner escapes by crawling through a sewer line until he's outside the prison's walls. The narrator describes the transaction this way: "He crawled through a river of [dung] and came out clean on the other side." God the Son did that, and he did it for the likes of me—so that I, too, and many more like me, might come out clean on the other side. That truth doesn't just change my life after I die. It changes my life here, now.
The God Who Remembers
The third gift is the most remarkable. Our God remembers even his most forgettable children. But that memory is not the dry, lifeless thing we feel when one or another old friend comes to mind. More like the passion one feels at the sight of a lover. When Jesus was dying, one of the two convicts crucified with him said this: "Jesus, remember me when you come into your kingdom" (Luke 23:42). Jesus responded by telling him that he would be in paradise that very day. As we use the word remember, that story sounds off, as though the thief on the cross and the Son of God were talking past each other.
The story sounds off because to us, remembrance merely means "recall"—I remember when I connect a student's name to her face, or when I can summon up some fact or the image of some past event. That kind of remembrance is a sterile enterprise, lacking both action and commitment.
In the Bible, remembrance usually combines two meanings: first, holding the one who is remembered close in the heart, and second, acting on the memory. When God repeatedly tells the people of Israel to remember that he brought them out of Egypt, he is saying much more than "get your history right." A better paraphrase would go like this: "Remember that I have loved you passionately. Remember that I have acted on that love. Hold tight to that memory, and act on it too."
Job understood the concept. Speaking with God about what would follow his own death, Job utters these words: "You will call and I will answer you; you will long for the creature your hands have made. Surely then you will count my steps but not keep track of my sin" (14:15-16). Notice how memory and longing are fused. Job longs to be free of his many pains, which occupy his mind like a sea of unwanted memories. God longs for relationship with Job, and Job knows it: hence, his belief that the Lord of the universe remembers each of his steps. He is the Lover who will not rest until his arms enfold the beloved. To Job, the curses Satan has sent his way are a mighty mountain that cannot be climbed, an enemy army that cannot be beaten. In the shadow of God's love, those curses are at once puny and powerless.
Philosophers and scientists and law professors (my line of work) are not in the best position to understand the Christian story. Musicians and painters and writers of fiction are much better situated—because the Christian story is a story, not a theory or an argument, and definitely not a moral or legal code. Our faith is, to use C. S. Lewis's apt words, the myth that became fact. Our faith is a painting so captivating that you cannot take your eyes off it. Our faith is a love song so achingly beautiful that you weep each time you hear it. At the center of that true myth, that painting, that song stands a God who does vastly more than remember his image in us. He pursues us as lovers pursue one another. It sounds too good to be true, and yet it is true. So I have found, in the midst of pain and heartache and cancer.
William J. Stuntz is the Henry J. Friendly Professor at Harvard Law School.
Copyright © 2009 Christianity Today. Click for reprint information.
Survivors of some horrible plague or battle often find themselves wracked with guilt: Why did I live while so many died? Though I had no battle scars, I used to feel a similar sense of guilt. I married the only woman I've ever loved. We have three terrific children. I have a secure job that I love and that pays well. Sometimes I would ask God: Why have you been so kind to me? Why have I gotten such an easy life?
I don't ask those questions anymore.
A little over nine years ago, while driving home from a family vacation, my car got a flat tire. When I started to change it, something nasty happened at the base of my back. Ever since, my lower back and the top half of my right leg have hurt. After two operations, dozens of injections, physical therapy, psychotherapy, and thousands of pills, my back and right leg hurt every waking moment, and most of those moments, they hurt a lot. Living with chronic pain is like having an alarm clock taped to your ear with the volume turned up—and you can't turn it down. You can't run from it; the pain goes where you go and stays where you stay. Chronic pain is the unwelcome guest who will not leave when the party is over.
A few months after my back turned south, my family and I moved when I accepted a job at Harvard Law School. Our family began to unravel. One of our children suffered a life-threatening disease, and my marriage fell apart.
Those crises faded with time but left deep scars. Early last year, in February 2008, another piece of bad news struck me: Doctors found a large tumor in my colon; a month later, films turned up tumors in both of my lungs. In the past year, I've had two cancer surgeries and six months of intensive chemotherapy. I've been off chemo for a few months, but I'm still nauseous much of the time and exhausted most of the time. Cancer kills, but cancer treatment takes a large bite out of one's pre-diseased life, as though one were dying in stages. Some of that stolen life returns when the treatment stops. But only some.
Today, my back and especially my right leg hurt as much as they ever have, and the odds are overwhelming that they will hurt for as long as this life lasts. Cancer will very probably kill me within the next two years. I'm 50 years old.
Such stories are common, yet widely misunderstood. Two misunderstandings are worth noting here. First, illness does not beget virtue. Cancer and chronic pain make me sick; they don't make me good. I am who I was, only more diseased. Second, though I deserve every bad thing that has ever happened to me, those things didn't happen because I deserve them. Life in a fallen world is more arbitrary than that. Plenty of people deserve better from life than I do, but get much worse. Some deserve worse and get much better. Something important follows: The question we are most prone to ask when hardship strikes—why me?—makes no sense. That question presupposes that pain, disease, and death are distributed according to moral merit. They aren't. We live in a world in which innocent children starve while moral monsters prosper. We may see justice in the next life, but we see little of it in this one.
Thankfully, God gives better and more surprising gifts to those living in hard times. Three gifts are especially sweet.
Redeeming Curses
First, God usually doesn't remove life's curses. Instead, he redeems them.
Joseph's story makes this point. Joseph was victimized by two horrible injustices: one at the hands of his brothers who sold him into slavery, the other thanks to Potiphar's wife, who falsely accused him of attempted rape. God did not undo these injustices; they remained real and awful. Instead, God used those wrongs to prevent a much worse one: mass starvation. When Joseph later met with his brothers, he said this about the transaction that started the train rolling: "You meant it for evil, but God meant it for good." That doesn't mean that slavery and unjust imprisonment are good; rather, the point is that they produced good, and the good they produced was larger than the wickedness that was visited upon Joseph. Evil was twisted back on itself, like a gun barrel turned so that it aims at the would-be murderer firing the weapon.
Joseph's story foreshadows the central story of the Gospels. The worst day in human history was the day of Christ's crucifixion, which saw the worst possible punishment inflicted on the One who, in all history, least deserved it. Two more sunrises and the Son rose: the best day in human history, the day God turned death itself against itself—and because he did so, each one of us has the opportunity to share in death's defeat.
That is our God's trademark. Down to go up, life from death, beauty from ugliness: the pattern is everywhere.
That is our God's trademark. Down to go up, life from death, beauty from ugliness: the pattern is everywhere.That familiar pattern is also a great gift to those who suffer disease and loss—the loss may remain, but good will come from it, and the good will be larger than the suffering it redeems. Our pain is not empty; we do not suffer in vain. When life strikes hard blows, what we do has value. Our God sees it.
A change in suffering's character
The second gift is often missed, because it lives in salvation's shadow. Amazing as the greatest of all gifts is, God the Son does more than save sinners. Jesus' life and death also change the character of suffering, give it dignity and weight and even, sometimes, a measure of beauty. Cancer and chronic pain remain ugly things, but the enterprise of living with them is not an ugly thing. God's Son so decreed it when he gave himself up to torture and death.
Two facts give rise to that conclusion. First, Jesus is beautiful as well as good. Second, suffering is ugly as well as painful. Talk to those who suffer medical conditions like mine and you'll hear this refrain: Even the best-hidden forms of pain and disease have a reality that is almost tactile, as though one could touch or taste them. And those conditions are foul, like the sound of fingernails on a blackboard or the smell of a cornered skunk. Some days, I feel as if I were wearing clothes soaked in sewage.
Some days—but not most days, thanks to the manner of Jesus' life and death. Imagine Barack Obama putting on a bad suit or Angelina Jolie wearing an ugly dress. The suit wouldn't look bad, and that dress wouldn't be ugly. These are incredibly attractive people whose attractiveness spills over onto their clothing, changing its meaning and the way other people respond to it. If Obama or Jolie wear it, it's a good-looking outfit. If they wear it often enough, it becomes a good-looking outfit even when you or I wear it. God's Son did something similar by taking physical pain on his divine yet still-human person. He did not render pain itself beautiful. But his suffering made the enterprise of living with pain and illness larger and better than it had been before. He elevates all he touches. Just as his years of carpentry in Joseph's shop lend dignity and value to all honest work, so too the pain he bore lends dignity and value to every pain-filled day human beings live.
The Shawshank Redemption is about a prisoner convicted of a murder he didn't commit. That prisoner escapes by crawling through a sewer line until he's outside the prison's walls. The narrator describes the transaction this way: "He crawled through a river of [dung] and came out clean on the other side." God the Son did that, and he did it for the likes of me—so that I, too, and many more like me, might come out clean on the other side. That truth doesn't just change my life after I die. It changes my life here, now.
The God Who Remembers
The third gift is the most remarkable. Our God remembers even his most forgettable children. But that memory is not the dry, lifeless thing we feel when one or another old friend comes to mind. More like the passion one feels at the sight of a lover. When Jesus was dying, one of the two convicts crucified with him said this: "Jesus, remember me when you come into your kingdom" (Luke 23:42). Jesus responded by telling him that he would be in paradise that very day. As we use the word remember, that story sounds off, as though the thief on the cross and the Son of God were talking past each other.
The story sounds off because to us, remembrance merely means "recall"—I remember when I connect a student's name to her face, or when I can summon up some fact or the image of some past event. That kind of remembrance is a sterile enterprise, lacking both action and commitment.
In the Bible, remembrance usually combines two meanings: first, holding the one who is remembered close in the heart, and second, acting on the memory. When God repeatedly tells the people of Israel to remember that he brought them out of Egypt, he is saying much more than "get your history right." A better paraphrase would go like this: "Remember that I have loved you passionately. Remember that I have acted on that love. Hold tight to that memory, and act on it too."
Job understood the concept. Speaking with God about what would follow his own death, Job utters these words: "You will call and I will answer you; you will long for the creature your hands have made. Surely then you will count my steps but not keep track of my sin" (14:15-16). Notice how memory and longing are fused. Job longs to be free of his many pains, which occupy his mind like a sea of unwanted memories. God longs for relationship with Job, and Job knows it: hence, his belief that the Lord of the universe remembers each of his steps. He is the Lover who will not rest until his arms enfold the beloved. To Job, the curses Satan has sent his way are a mighty mountain that cannot be climbed, an enemy army that cannot be beaten. In the shadow of God's love, those curses are at once puny and powerless.
Philosophers and scientists and law professors (my line of work) are not in the best position to understand the Christian story. Musicians and painters and writers of fiction are much better situated—because the Christian story is a story, not a theory or an argument, and definitely not a moral or legal code. Our faith is, to use C. S. Lewis's apt words, the myth that became fact. Our faith is a painting so captivating that you cannot take your eyes off it. Our faith is a love song so achingly beautiful that you weep each time you hear it. At the center of that true myth, that painting, that song stands a God who does vastly more than remember his image in us. He pursues us as lovers pursue one another. It sounds too good to be true, and yet it is true. So I have found, in the midst of pain and heartache and cancer.
William J. Stuntz is the Henry J. Friendly Professor at Harvard Law School.
Copyright © 2009 Christianity Today. Click for reprint information.
my ex is happy
I know God won't give me anything I can't handle.
I just wish he didn't trust me so much.
—Mother Teresa
When my marriage died, it profoundly shook my faith. As a new Christian, I had assumed that since I had been faithful and followed God, He in return would bless our marriage. So why was He allowing this separation? Why wasn't He protecting me from divorce?
As a Christian, I believed God would automatically make sure nothing bad ever happened to my marriage. I didn't take into account that God gives us all free will. And if my husband decided to leave, God wasn't going to shackle him to the couch.
Although obeying God is always the best choice, I learned my obedience didn't guarantee a specific outcome for my marriage. I can't put God in a box and demand that He perform as I request.
Fortunately, I had great friends who stayed by my side while I struggled with God. For example, my friend Carol Young hugged me, cried with me, and listened to all my fears. Her Christlike behavior drew me back to God and helped restore my faith. I'm extremely grateful for her support during that horrible season of my life.
During my divorce, I couldn't find the energy or mental capacity to pray, so I would sit by the stereo and listen to praise music. The words to those songs became a "Mayday! Mayday!" type of prayer. On occasion, I could muster enough strength to open my Bible and let God soothe my heart. If your experience with God has been damaged or is limited, this is a terrific time to draw near to Him. Give Him your broken heart. He is masterful at binding up wounds, and He eagerly yearns for a deep relationship with you. Unlike people, He will never abandon or betray you. The security, gentleness, and love He longs to lavish on you will be like nothing you have ever experienced.
***
I've heard that God hates divorce. If that's true, why doesn't He stop my wife from leaving me? Why does she get to have a great time with no worries when she's the one who left the marriage, and I get stuck being miserable?
This is a version of humankind's oldest question: Why does God allow suffering? Why do the people who cause hurt seem to get off without any consequences? I don't claim to have all the answers, but I can tell you what I've witnessed over the years and what I know to be true.
People can appear to be blissfully enjoying the single life, but deep in their hearts, they may be lonely. I believe that when the "greener grass" starts to turn brown, they are left with a hollow spot in their soul. This side of heaven, you may never see the consequences of your ex-wife's choices. The key to surviving is to let go of that type of thinking and realize this is between God and her—it has nothing to do with you. God is your defender, and He is enough.
Try to focus on your own healing and not on how much fun your ex is having. I know that's much easier to say than to do, but you can do it. God hates divorce and knows your sorrow and your loss. Ask Him to heal your wounded heart. Jesus was rejected by those closest to Him—family, friends, and disciples turned on Him. He understands your pain and weeps with you.
I left my wife and children many years ago. I've become a Christian and would like to ask for my family's forgiveness, but I'm afraid. Is it too late?
It's never too late. I can't guarantee how your family will respond; it may take time for them to process the apology. The first phone call is the hardest. Pray before you contact them, and ask God to prepare and soften their hearts.
Express the depth of your remorse and assume responsibility for the long-term ramifications that your poor choices caused them. Explain that you don't expect them to forgive you instantly, but ask if they would be willing to consider it. Back off if the initial response is icy.
Your willingness to let them determine the pace of the relationship is vital. Any attempt by you to force, manipulate, or guilt them into embracing you is a clear indicator that you can't be trusted. If they need more time to digest the idea, then communicate with them in small increments. This could include sending letters that express your changed heart. When you are together, encourage them to share why they are angry, hurt, or fearful of trusting you. This won't be easy to hear, but it's necessary. With prayer and time, healing the relationship may be possible.
I haven't gone to church since I was a small child. Since my divorce, I'm so empty inside. I want to know more about God, but I'm afraid to go to church because of all the bad things I've done. What can I do?
This is a perfect time for you to take the first step toward Christian community. Going to church for the first time might be intimidating. But in reality, imperfect people fill the church pews, and many of those people are also hurting. They aren't perfect, but they are learning and seeking forgiveness.
Although divorce is never God's will, He often uses it and other misfortunes to draw us into His loving arms. It's when we come to the end of ourselves that we seek the truth. If we haven't previously anchored ourselves to the One who never changes, this can feel very frightening. Fortunately, God is still on His throne and is passionately in love with you. He has provided Jesus as the way for you to be forgiven all those "bad things" you mentioned and be fully restored to Him. Listen to God's promise. "'You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you,' declares the LORD, 'and will bring you back from captivity'" (Jer. 29:13–14). You don't ever need to walk through life alone again. Jesus is the bridge between God and man. Because of His great love for you, He paid the price for all of your sins when He humbly died on the cross. God knew you could never be good enough to earn your way into heaven. Jesus is the only way to be reconciled to God. Now the choice is up to you to accept Him and what He has done for you. The Holy Spirit will help you to understand if you are truly seeking truth.
The night I accepted Christ, I wasn't really sure what the whole thing was about. But I prayed, "God, I don't fully understand what accepting Jesus as my Savior means, but I want to know truth. If Jesus is the truth, I'm willing to believe and give my life to You. I open my life to You." And God saw my heart. I wanted to believe. Understand, my friend, that even the ability to believe in God comes from Him.
If you would like to ask Jesus Christ to be your Savior and Lord, humble yourself and pray this prayer to God.
"Lord, I want to give my life to You. I'm a sinner, and I believe Jesus died on the cross to forgive my sins. I want to know Jesus Christ as my Savior and Lord of my life. Please come into my heart. Thank You for helping me to believe and understand this truth. Amen."
Never forget that all God seeks from His people is a sincere, repentant heart. He will teach you the rest. You will need to find a good church to help you grow. The DivorceCare Web site listed in the back of this book is a great way to find active churches in your area.
I was a very strong Christian when my marriage ended. But now I'm so mad at God for letting this happen to me that I can't even open my Bible. How can I get my faith back?
One of God's most astounding characteristics is that even the ability to have faith in Him comes from Him. Faith comes by hearing the Word of God (truth) and asking God to open our heart to that truth. (See Rom. 10:17.) We can't—and were never created to—do it "on our own."
Get alone with God and tell Him your thoughts. Be unreservedly honest. Scream, cry, yell, let it all out. God is big enough to handle your anger. Your rage won't shock Him—you're talking with the One who knows how many hairs you have on your head. He identifies with your agony and comprehends your pain.
Then give all of that betrayal, fear, fury, and sorrow over to God. Ask Him to transform your mind from one of anger toward Him to one that sees His compassion clearly. God weeps over your anguish because you are precious to Him. He wants you to be healed even more than you do.
My husband and I have decided to divorce because we aren't happy anymore. Some of my friends are saying this isn't a biblical reason to divorce. I find this hard to believe. Why wouldn't God want me to be happy?
Before I answer your question, I must first shed light on the word happy. Happiness is based on circumstances, and because theses continually change, it's impossible to be perpetually happy. When I'm buying a new pair of gorgeous shoes, I'm happy, but when I head out to my car and discover a new dent, my happiness quickly dissolves.
Joy, on the other hand, is a soul-deep, consoling peace and contentment. In our culture, we often pursue and even worship happiness, but what we're actually seeking is joy. Being happy is not wrong, but because happiness is temporary, it fails to satisfy.
You won't find anything in Scripture stating you can divorce because you are no longer happy with your spouse. Marriage is a lifelong covenant between two people and their Creator. Divorce might bring you temporary relief, but it won't bring the peace and joy you're seeking. It won't bring peace, because the marriage isn't the real problem. It feels like it is, because right now you dread the thought of staying married to your husband, but it isn't.
If you don't have peace and an abiding joy, it may be because you haven't fully been able to affirm the following:
God will never leave me. (See John 14:18.)
God has a wonderful future for me. (See Jer. 29:11–12.)
God'sways are higher andwiser thanmy own. (See Isa. 55:8–9.)
God cares about me. (See 1 Peter 5:7.)
I'm precious to God and He loves me. (See Isa. 43:4.)
Your heavenly Father cares for you, and He has solutions for your unhappiness that reach far beyond your own reasoning. The power to live in obedience to God flows from having faith in His promises. God's assurance and pledge that He loves you will give you the desire to seek His ways above your own.
Pastors and churches have differing views on what constitutes biblical grounds for divorce. Unfortunately, many unhappy couples are told they have to "suck it up and hang in there." Based on Jesus' love, I don't believe God is a taskmaster shackling you to a marriage you hate. But I do believe He wants to make your marriage a living, thriving, and vibrant gift—even if you don't think that's possible. God desires to rekindle your heart with love for your spouse.
Even a marriage that appears dead can receive new life. God is famous for creating life out of nothing. Take a look at Adam. "The LORD God formed man from the dust of the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, and the man became a living being" (Gen. 2:7). He will do the same for your marriage. The question is, will you surrender and let Him? Will you trust that His love and His ways are better than your own?
If you are ready, pray this prayer.
"Dear God, I don't really want to restore my marriage. It feels cold, dead, and buried. I want it over. I'm tired of trying. I don't even like my spouse anymore, much less love him.
"God, I admit this is the first time I have considered that divorce might not be the best decision. The truth is, I'm afraid to trust You. I'm scared I'll get stuck living this way forever. Help me to believe you have my best interest at heart. Please transform my marriage. Please replace my heart of stone with a heart of flesh.6 Show me how to be willing to have You change my heart.
"My knees are wobbly; I need faith and courage to seek reconciliation. I know I can't do this without You. I also know I can't change my husband's heart; You'll need to do that. My job is to ask You to change me, only me. Show me how to surrender my marriage and my whole life to You. Amen."
I'm not saying you'll fall back in love overnight. At times you'll feel like giving up. But God can restore your marriage—if you ask.
For three years, my entire prayer group prayed that my husband would come back to me. Recently he married another woman. With so many people praying, I can't understand why he didn't come back. Now I don't know if I should believe in prayer or God at all.
I believe God answers every prayer. I don't believe God answers every prayer in the way we request, however. Since God hates divorce, we can be certain that His desire would have been for your marriage to be reconciled. However, God has given us free will. If your spouse chooses to go against God's desires, God will let him. Are there consequences to those choices? Absolutely. But they are no longer your concern. Your ex-husband is married to another and is no longer available.
Now you need to refocus and adjust to the single life.Does your faith thrive only if God answers prayer the way you desire?Will you serve the Creator when He allows bad things to happen? This is our greatest challenge as Christians. The book of Job reveals one man's conclusion. "Though he slay me, yet will I hope in him" (Job 13:15). In other words, my circumstances don't change the way I view God's authority or faithfulness. He is worthy of my praise, even when darkness surrounds me. And because my Redeemer lives, He will provide a way out.
I keep searching for God in this dark valley called divorce, but I can't find Him. At the very time I need Him the most, He has abandoned me. Where did He go?
Be assured, beloved one, He hasn't left you. But sometimes when our grief becomes intense, it feels like He has. In times like this, we must trust what we knew in the light to still be true in the darkness. God is on His throne even when I'm in the pit. God continues to be omnipotent when I'm clueless. He is the same God who parted the Red Sea for Moses, and He is for me, not against me. (See Jer. 29:11–12.)
I don't believe God expects grief-stricken people to run around shouting, "Praise the Lord." Faking it through the pain just isn't His style. I base this belief on the psalms, in which we repeatedly see David groaning and crying out to God.
Surround yourself with people who understand this valley and yet have a strong relationship with God.Their presence and prayers for your life can carry you until you are stronger emotionally and spiritually.
I tolerated tremendous abuse from my ex-husband because I figured if I stayed with the marriage, eventually we would have a terrific testimony of God's restoration that would minister to others. Why didn't it work out?
Your motive was right, but your method was wrong. Tolerating abuse isn't love. It's actually the opposite of love to allow an abuser to continue destructive behavior.
When we love someone, we set healthy boundaries that allow the person to be responsible for his or her actions. By letting your husband continue to abuse you without consequences, you were helping to destroy the relationship. A strong marriage is built on trust, accountability, and unselfishness—not on enabling, manipulation, and control.
My ex-husband serves in a church-leadership role. During our separation, the pastor tried to make me feel welcome to stay, but it was obvious that my husband had "won custody" of the church in the proceedings. I'm not sure what I should do or if I even want to join another church.
It's a major mistake to isolate yourself while going through a divorce. A healthy Christian community that will assist you in the faith journey is crucial to the healing process.
Churches are like people: They each have a personality, strengths, and weaknesses. Searching for a new church can be time-consuming, but here are a few guidelines. Ask friends or co-workers for suggestions and review the worship and teaching style of each church. Check the Web sites of local churches and view the programs they offer.
When you have found a church that looks appealing, closely scrutinize its statement of faith for its core beliefs. Review any questions or issues you don't understand with a church leader.
Although doctrines differ from church to church, you want to be certain that there are no "gray areas" on critical issues such as Christ's deity, the Trinity, the virgin birth, salvation by faith, and the Bible being the true and inerrant Word of God.
I'm having a hard time going to church or looking at my Bible because of memories of my failed marriage. I had written in the margins of my Bible comments about my ex-spouse and our marriage. And the worship songs remind me of when we sang them together. What am I going to do?
This is why attending a support group is vital. I know a group of women who, during their divorces, set a time and place to meet every Sunday so they could sit together at church. This group has become their new family. Instead of dreading church, they grew to love spending time together in worship and fellowship. Buy the latest worship CDs and learn new songs. Use a new Bible that doesn't have your marriage notes in it. Don't turn to verses that remind you of your former husband. Instead, choose a book you haven't studied before. Ask God to rejuvenate the reading of His Word so that your soul is saturated with his love letters. Let this become a fresh breath from the Prince of Peace to you, His beloved bride.
I now realize I placed my husband before God in my life. I worshipped him instead of giving my heart to God. How could I have been so foolish?
If I had a dollar for every person who has said that to me, I'd be a wealthy woman. It's easy to idolize people, places, or things because they are more tangible than an almighty God who isn't visible. Our hearts are easily enticed by false idols. Discipline in God's Word and time in prayer are the tools necessary to alert us of the temptation to put people and things into a place they were never designed to be.
Loving and honoring our spouse is enjoyable, wonderful, and God-ordained. But when that love turns into worship or possessiveness, the relationship is in danger.
Our Creator knows that good things such as our spouse, our family, a job, food, or sex can easily become idols. Because God passionately loves His people, He cautions us to be alert to anything that may take His place and become a false god.We should never forget the high price Jesus paid for us. He alone deserves our devotion. You're wise to have recognized the error of allowing your ex-spouse to become a god in your life. Now that you know this is an area of weakness for you, you can guard against it happening again should you decide to remarry.
Heavenly Father,
I never thought the day would come where I would feel so far
away from You. And yet at the same time, I've never needed You
as much as I do now. God, I need to know You are hearing my
prayers. I need to know You haven't left me. I cry out to You as
David did so often in Psalms. Please come and rescue me from this
pain. I'm more desperate for You than I have ever been.
Holy Spirit, I seek You. Please take my prayers to the throne of
God. I'm so weak and weary that I don't even know how to pray.
Lord, Your Word says that I can lay all my anxiety down because
You care for me and won't leave me. Help me, God, because I feel
so alone. The very person I thought would stay by my side until
death is gone. But You tell me not to fear, for You are with me. You
declare that You are my God, You will strengthen me, You will help
me, You alone will lift me up out of this pit of despair. Don't let
this situation draw me away from You and into sinful choices.
God, please give me Your knowledge in every decision I must
make during this divorce. Your Word tells me that if I ask, You
will generously give wisdom. I need the mind of Christ. Please
reveal the ways I can demonstrate Your love to my spouse. If there
is any hope for restoring my marriage to the gift You created it to
be, show me my role. Help me to forgive everyone involved,
including myself. You are my strength. I will not be afraid. Amen.
(Portions of this prayer are taken from Romans 8:26; 1 Peter 5:7; John 14:18; Isaiah 41:10; James 1:5; and Psalm 27:1.)
I just wish he didn't trust me so much.
—Mother Teresa
When my marriage died, it profoundly shook my faith. As a new Christian, I had assumed that since I had been faithful and followed God, He in return would bless our marriage. So why was He allowing this separation? Why wasn't He protecting me from divorce?
As a Christian, I believed God would automatically make sure nothing bad ever happened to my marriage. I didn't take into account that God gives us all free will. And if my husband decided to leave, God wasn't going to shackle him to the couch.
Although obeying God is always the best choice, I learned my obedience didn't guarantee a specific outcome for my marriage. I can't put God in a box and demand that He perform as I request.
Fortunately, I had great friends who stayed by my side while I struggled with God. For example, my friend Carol Young hugged me, cried with me, and listened to all my fears. Her Christlike behavior drew me back to God and helped restore my faith. I'm extremely grateful for her support during that horrible season of my life.
During my divorce, I couldn't find the energy or mental capacity to pray, so I would sit by the stereo and listen to praise music. The words to those songs became a "Mayday! Mayday!" type of prayer. On occasion, I could muster enough strength to open my Bible and let God soothe my heart. If your experience with God has been damaged or is limited, this is a terrific time to draw near to Him. Give Him your broken heart. He is masterful at binding up wounds, and He eagerly yearns for a deep relationship with you. Unlike people, He will never abandon or betray you. The security, gentleness, and love He longs to lavish on you will be like nothing you have ever experienced.
***
I've heard that God hates divorce. If that's true, why doesn't He stop my wife from leaving me? Why does she get to have a great time with no worries when she's the one who left the marriage, and I get stuck being miserable?
This is a version of humankind's oldest question: Why does God allow suffering? Why do the people who cause hurt seem to get off without any consequences? I don't claim to have all the answers, but I can tell you what I've witnessed over the years and what I know to be true.
People can appear to be blissfully enjoying the single life, but deep in their hearts, they may be lonely. I believe that when the "greener grass" starts to turn brown, they are left with a hollow spot in their soul. This side of heaven, you may never see the consequences of your ex-wife's choices. The key to surviving is to let go of that type of thinking and realize this is between God and her—it has nothing to do with you. God is your defender, and He is enough.
Try to focus on your own healing and not on how much fun your ex is having. I know that's much easier to say than to do, but you can do it. God hates divorce and knows your sorrow and your loss. Ask Him to heal your wounded heart. Jesus was rejected by those closest to Him—family, friends, and disciples turned on Him. He understands your pain and weeps with you.
I left my wife and children many years ago. I've become a Christian and would like to ask for my family's forgiveness, but I'm afraid. Is it too late?
It's never too late. I can't guarantee how your family will respond; it may take time for them to process the apology. The first phone call is the hardest. Pray before you contact them, and ask God to prepare and soften their hearts.
Express the depth of your remorse and assume responsibility for the long-term ramifications that your poor choices caused them. Explain that you don't expect them to forgive you instantly, but ask if they would be willing to consider it. Back off if the initial response is icy.
Your willingness to let them determine the pace of the relationship is vital. Any attempt by you to force, manipulate, or guilt them into embracing you is a clear indicator that you can't be trusted. If they need more time to digest the idea, then communicate with them in small increments. This could include sending letters that express your changed heart. When you are together, encourage them to share why they are angry, hurt, or fearful of trusting you. This won't be easy to hear, but it's necessary. With prayer and time, healing the relationship may be possible.
I haven't gone to church since I was a small child. Since my divorce, I'm so empty inside. I want to know more about God, but I'm afraid to go to church because of all the bad things I've done. What can I do?
This is a perfect time for you to take the first step toward Christian community. Going to church for the first time might be intimidating. But in reality, imperfect people fill the church pews, and many of those people are also hurting. They aren't perfect, but they are learning and seeking forgiveness.
Although divorce is never God's will, He often uses it and other misfortunes to draw us into His loving arms. It's when we come to the end of ourselves that we seek the truth. If we haven't previously anchored ourselves to the One who never changes, this can feel very frightening. Fortunately, God is still on His throne and is passionately in love with you. He has provided Jesus as the way for you to be forgiven all those "bad things" you mentioned and be fully restored to Him. Listen to God's promise. "'You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you,' declares the LORD, 'and will bring you back from captivity'" (Jer. 29:13–14). You don't ever need to walk through life alone again. Jesus is the bridge between God and man. Because of His great love for you, He paid the price for all of your sins when He humbly died on the cross. God knew you could never be good enough to earn your way into heaven. Jesus is the only way to be reconciled to God. Now the choice is up to you to accept Him and what He has done for you. The Holy Spirit will help you to understand if you are truly seeking truth.
The night I accepted Christ, I wasn't really sure what the whole thing was about. But I prayed, "God, I don't fully understand what accepting Jesus as my Savior means, but I want to know truth. If Jesus is the truth, I'm willing to believe and give my life to You. I open my life to You." And God saw my heart. I wanted to believe. Understand, my friend, that even the ability to believe in God comes from Him.
If you would like to ask Jesus Christ to be your Savior and Lord, humble yourself and pray this prayer to God.
"Lord, I want to give my life to You. I'm a sinner, and I believe Jesus died on the cross to forgive my sins. I want to know Jesus Christ as my Savior and Lord of my life. Please come into my heart. Thank You for helping me to believe and understand this truth. Amen."
Never forget that all God seeks from His people is a sincere, repentant heart. He will teach you the rest. You will need to find a good church to help you grow. The DivorceCare Web site listed in the back of this book is a great way to find active churches in your area.
I was a very strong Christian when my marriage ended. But now I'm so mad at God for letting this happen to me that I can't even open my Bible. How can I get my faith back?
One of God's most astounding characteristics is that even the ability to have faith in Him comes from Him. Faith comes by hearing the Word of God (truth) and asking God to open our heart to that truth. (See Rom. 10:17.) We can't—and were never created to—do it "on our own."
Get alone with God and tell Him your thoughts. Be unreservedly honest. Scream, cry, yell, let it all out. God is big enough to handle your anger. Your rage won't shock Him—you're talking with the One who knows how many hairs you have on your head. He identifies with your agony and comprehends your pain.
Then give all of that betrayal, fear, fury, and sorrow over to God. Ask Him to transform your mind from one of anger toward Him to one that sees His compassion clearly. God weeps over your anguish because you are precious to Him. He wants you to be healed even more than you do.
My husband and I have decided to divorce because we aren't happy anymore. Some of my friends are saying this isn't a biblical reason to divorce. I find this hard to believe. Why wouldn't God want me to be happy?
Before I answer your question, I must first shed light on the word happy. Happiness is based on circumstances, and because theses continually change, it's impossible to be perpetually happy. When I'm buying a new pair of gorgeous shoes, I'm happy, but when I head out to my car and discover a new dent, my happiness quickly dissolves.
Joy, on the other hand, is a soul-deep, consoling peace and contentment. In our culture, we often pursue and even worship happiness, but what we're actually seeking is joy. Being happy is not wrong, but because happiness is temporary, it fails to satisfy.
You won't find anything in Scripture stating you can divorce because you are no longer happy with your spouse. Marriage is a lifelong covenant between two people and their Creator. Divorce might bring you temporary relief, but it won't bring the peace and joy you're seeking. It won't bring peace, because the marriage isn't the real problem. It feels like it is, because right now you dread the thought of staying married to your husband, but it isn't.
If you don't have peace and an abiding joy, it may be because you haven't fully been able to affirm the following:
God will never leave me. (See John 14:18.)
God has a wonderful future for me. (See Jer. 29:11–12.)
God'sways are higher andwiser thanmy own. (See Isa. 55:8–9.)
God cares about me. (See 1 Peter 5:7.)
I'm precious to God and He loves me. (See Isa. 43:4.)
Your heavenly Father cares for you, and He has solutions for your unhappiness that reach far beyond your own reasoning. The power to live in obedience to God flows from having faith in His promises. God's assurance and pledge that He loves you will give you the desire to seek His ways above your own.
Pastors and churches have differing views on what constitutes biblical grounds for divorce. Unfortunately, many unhappy couples are told they have to "suck it up and hang in there." Based on Jesus' love, I don't believe God is a taskmaster shackling you to a marriage you hate. But I do believe He wants to make your marriage a living, thriving, and vibrant gift—even if you don't think that's possible. God desires to rekindle your heart with love for your spouse.
Even a marriage that appears dead can receive new life. God is famous for creating life out of nothing. Take a look at Adam. "The LORD God formed man from the dust of the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, and the man became a living being" (Gen. 2:7). He will do the same for your marriage. The question is, will you surrender and let Him? Will you trust that His love and His ways are better than your own?
If you are ready, pray this prayer.
"Dear God, I don't really want to restore my marriage. It feels cold, dead, and buried. I want it over. I'm tired of trying. I don't even like my spouse anymore, much less love him.
"God, I admit this is the first time I have considered that divorce might not be the best decision. The truth is, I'm afraid to trust You. I'm scared I'll get stuck living this way forever. Help me to believe you have my best interest at heart. Please transform my marriage. Please replace my heart of stone with a heart of flesh.6 Show me how to be willing to have You change my heart.
"My knees are wobbly; I need faith and courage to seek reconciliation. I know I can't do this without You. I also know I can't change my husband's heart; You'll need to do that. My job is to ask You to change me, only me. Show me how to surrender my marriage and my whole life to You. Amen."
I'm not saying you'll fall back in love overnight. At times you'll feel like giving up. But God can restore your marriage—if you ask.
For three years, my entire prayer group prayed that my husband would come back to me. Recently he married another woman. With so many people praying, I can't understand why he didn't come back. Now I don't know if I should believe in prayer or God at all.
I believe God answers every prayer. I don't believe God answers every prayer in the way we request, however. Since God hates divorce, we can be certain that His desire would have been for your marriage to be reconciled. However, God has given us free will. If your spouse chooses to go against God's desires, God will let him. Are there consequences to those choices? Absolutely. But they are no longer your concern. Your ex-husband is married to another and is no longer available.
Now you need to refocus and adjust to the single life.Does your faith thrive only if God answers prayer the way you desire?Will you serve the Creator when He allows bad things to happen? This is our greatest challenge as Christians. The book of Job reveals one man's conclusion. "Though he slay me, yet will I hope in him" (Job 13:15). In other words, my circumstances don't change the way I view God's authority or faithfulness. He is worthy of my praise, even when darkness surrounds me. And because my Redeemer lives, He will provide a way out.
I keep searching for God in this dark valley called divorce, but I can't find Him. At the very time I need Him the most, He has abandoned me. Where did He go?
Be assured, beloved one, He hasn't left you. But sometimes when our grief becomes intense, it feels like He has. In times like this, we must trust what we knew in the light to still be true in the darkness. God is on His throne even when I'm in the pit. God continues to be omnipotent when I'm clueless. He is the same God who parted the Red Sea for Moses, and He is for me, not against me. (See Jer. 29:11–12.)
I don't believe God expects grief-stricken people to run around shouting, "Praise the Lord." Faking it through the pain just isn't His style. I base this belief on the psalms, in which we repeatedly see David groaning and crying out to God.
Surround yourself with people who understand this valley and yet have a strong relationship with God.Their presence and prayers for your life can carry you until you are stronger emotionally and spiritually.
I tolerated tremendous abuse from my ex-husband because I figured if I stayed with the marriage, eventually we would have a terrific testimony of God's restoration that would minister to others. Why didn't it work out?
Your motive was right, but your method was wrong. Tolerating abuse isn't love. It's actually the opposite of love to allow an abuser to continue destructive behavior.
When we love someone, we set healthy boundaries that allow the person to be responsible for his or her actions. By letting your husband continue to abuse you without consequences, you were helping to destroy the relationship. A strong marriage is built on trust, accountability, and unselfishness—not on enabling, manipulation, and control.
My ex-husband serves in a church-leadership role. During our separation, the pastor tried to make me feel welcome to stay, but it was obvious that my husband had "won custody" of the church in the proceedings. I'm not sure what I should do or if I even want to join another church.
It's a major mistake to isolate yourself while going through a divorce. A healthy Christian community that will assist you in the faith journey is crucial to the healing process.
Churches are like people: They each have a personality, strengths, and weaknesses. Searching for a new church can be time-consuming, but here are a few guidelines. Ask friends or co-workers for suggestions and review the worship and teaching style of each church. Check the Web sites of local churches and view the programs they offer.
When you have found a church that looks appealing, closely scrutinize its statement of faith for its core beliefs. Review any questions or issues you don't understand with a church leader.
Although doctrines differ from church to church, you want to be certain that there are no "gray areas" on critical issues such as Christ's deity, the Trinity, the virgin birth, salvation by faith, and the Bible being the true and inerrant Word of God.
I'm having a hard time going to church or looking at my Bible because of memories of my failed marriage. I had written in the margins of my Bible comments about my ex-spouse and our marriage. And the worship songs remind me of when we sang them together. What am I going to do?
This is why attending a support group is vital. I know a group of women who, during their divorces, set a time and place to meet every Sunday so they could sit together at church. This group has become their new family. Instead of dreading church, they grew to love spending time together in worship and fellowship. Buy the latest worship CDs and learn new songs. Use a new Bible that doesn't have your marriage notes in it. Don't turn to verses that remind you of your former husband. Instead, choose a book you haven't studied before. Ask God to rejuvenate the reading of His Word so that your soul is saturated with his love letters. Let this become a fresh breath from the Prince of Peace to you, His beloved bride.
I now realize I placed my husband before God in my life. I worshipped him instead of giving my heart to God. How could I have been so foolish?
If I had a dollar for every person who has said that to me, I'd be a wealthy woman. It's easy to idolize people, places, or things because they are more tangible than an almighty God who isn't visible. Our hearts are easily enticed by false idols. Discipline in God's Word and time in prayer are the tools necessary to alert us of the temptation to put people and things into a place they were never designed to be.
Loving and honoring our spouse is enjoyable, wonderful, and God-ordained. But when that love turns into worship or possessiveness, the relationship is in danger.
Our Creator knows that good things such as our spouse, our family, a job, food, or sex can easily become idols. Because God passionately loves His people, He cautions us to be alert to anything that may take His place and become a false god.We should never forget the high price Jesus paid for us. He alone deserves our devotion. You're wise to have recognized the error of allowing your ex-spouse to become a god in your life. Now that you know this is an area of weakness for you, you can guard against it happening again should you decide to remarry.
Heavenly Father,
I never thought the day would come where I would feel so far
away from You. And yet at the same time, I've never needed You
as much as I do now. God, I need to know You are hearing my
prayers. I need to know You haven't left me. I cry out to You as
David did so often in Psalms. Please come and rescue me from this
pain. I'm more desperate for You than I have ever been.
Holy Spirit, I seek You. Please take my prayers to the throne of
God. I'm so weak and weary that I don't even know how to pray.
Lord, Your Word says that I can lay all my anxiety down because
You care for me and won't leave me. Help me, God, because I feel
so alone. The very person I thought would stay by my side until
death is gone. But You tell me not to fear, for You are with me. You
declare that You are my God, You will strengthen me, You will help
me, You alone will lift me up out of this pit of despair. Don't let
this situation draw me away from You and into sinful choices.
God, please give me Your knowledge in every decision I must
make during this divorce. Your Word tells me that if I ask, You
will generously give wisdom. I need the mind of Christ. Please
reveal the ways I can demonstrate Your love to my spouse. If there
is any hope for restoring my marriage to the gift You created it to
be, show me my role. Help me to forgive everyone involved,
including myself. You are my strength. I will not be afraid. Amen.
(Portions of this prayer are taken from Romans 8:26; 1 Peter 5:7; John 14:18; Isaiah 41:10; James 1:5; and Psalm 27:1.)
i don't like myself
Recently I turned to a friend who was riding in my car and asked her, "What do you like about yourself?" We rode in silence for several minutes. Finally, she turned to me and said, apologetically, "I can't think of anything."
I was stunned. My friend is intelligent, charming, and compassionate—yet she couldn't see any of that.
I know she's not alone. Low self-esteem has become the number-one issue plaguing Christian women. Despite God's assurance that he's absolutely crazy about us, most of us can't believe he means us. It's like the cynical editor who tells the cub reporter, "If your mother says she loves you, check it out."
Comparison traps.
I'm technophobic. My brother got all the genes required to understand operating manuals, to repair things, or (gasp!) to make sense of computers. When I first had to learn how to use a computer for my job, I was convinced it was the end of life as I knew it.
I remember with painful clarity a beginner's computer class where the instructor told us to "press any key." I searched in vain for the "any" key. By the end of the class, I was certain I wasn't smart enough to drive myself home, much less dress for work the next day. This was despite the fact that I managed a home, a family, a job, and a professional staff.
Why was it so humiliating? Because I compared myself to the 10-year-old girl next door who effortlessly surfed the Net to research her term papers while I struggled just to log on. Instead of simply concluding that technical prowess is not one of my strengths, I concluded I must be stupid. It was a lie.
The art of the put-down.
People respect us as much as we respect ourselves. That's why the absence of self-confidence can telegraph to others not to believe in us.
For years I struggled to receive a compliment graciously. If someone complimented my hair, I'd discount it. I'd say my hairstyle made my face look fat or that my hair was a mousy color. What I really meant was, There must be some mistake. I'm not worth your regard. I don't like myself and can't really believe you do, either. The trouble is, if we persist in putting ourselves down, eventually people start to believe we're right.
Self-doubt.
Sometimes the problem isn't faulty data. We have an accurate picture of ourselves or a situation, but we capitulate the first time someone challenges us.
Several years ago, I discovered a grape-sized lump on my left breast. My doctor scheduled outpatient surgery right away. A month later, when I resumed periodic self-examination, I felt the same lump in the same hard-to-reach place. I was certain of it! When I called the doctor to suggest he might have missed the lump in question, he insisted I was wrong. It could not possibly be a lump, he said, because he had removed it. After all, he was the doctor.
I got off the phone, doubting what I'd felt with my own hand. But fear of lethal consequences gave me the courage to insist he re-examine me, at which point he reluctantly acknowledged that, yes, it did seem to be the original lump. He removed it in a second surgery.
Reclaim the Truth
It's time to go on the offensive and regain the confidence God wants for you. Here are a few ways to get started:
Name the lies—and give them to God.
Make a list of the falsehoods others have said about you (and what you've believed about yourself). Be specific. Then, agree with God that it's not how he sees you. Tell him, "God, I know you made me—and you don't make junk. These lies have got to go. I want to see myself the way you see me. Please begin the process of changing my mind."
Eugene Petersen, in The Message paraphrase of Romans 12:2, urges us to reject the flawed thinking of our culture and those around us: "Don't become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You'll be changed from the inside out."
Grieve the loss of what you'll never have and never be.
I once knew a woman who believed the lie that she was a victim. She wasn't in an abusive situation; she wasn't poor or ill or alone. But she felt as though the world always let her down. Eventually, she confessed to God the truth—playing the victim was easier for her than dealing with her own emotional "junk." But that was only the first step. Next she had to grieve the loss of a "crutch" she couldn't use anymore. She had to find a whole new way to live.
In my case, I had to confess the lie that I was stupid because I didn't understand technical things. Yet, even after acknowledging that I'm actually a pretty intelligent person, I still had to grieve the fact that no amount of classes or training would ever completely solve my technical ineptitude!
Another lie I believed about myself was that I'd been selfish for having only one child. The truth is, I nearly died giving birth to my daughter, and my husband didn't want to adopt. Still, I spent years feeling like an inferior mother—like I should have trusted God to protect me in subsequent childbirths.
I now believe that—in my case—one child was God's will for me. I've rejected the condemnation. Nevertheless, I had to grieve that I'd never have the houseful of children I'd always wanted.
Replace the lies with the truth.
God's Word is full of information about your identity and position as a believer in Jesus Christ. Let the wonder of God's perspective on you soak in. Do you fully realize what it means to be …
Fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14)
Precious to God (Isaiah 43:4)
Cared about since your conception (Isaiah 46:3)
God's child (John 1:12)
Jesus' friend (John 15:15)
Chosen by Jesus (John 15:16)
Loved dearly by God (John 16:27)
Free from condemnation (Romans 8:1)
A temple—a dwelling place—of God's Spirit (1 Corinthians 3:16)
Redeemed and forgiven of all your sins (Colossians 1:14)
Maybe you'd prefer God say he's crazy about dishwater blondes who are 20 pounds overweight. Then you'd know he meant you. But God didn't get that specific in describing Eve! All he tells us about her in Gen. 1:27, 31 is that she was made in his image and it was very good!
He feels the same way about you.
REALITY CHECKS
Pinpoint the ways you may be sabotaging yourself by answering the following questions:
What judgments do I make about myself that are, in fact, untrue? What's something wonderful about me that I've undervalued?
How do I typically respond when someone brags about me? Is it hard for me to receive a compliment—and why?
Do I fail to stick up for myself when someone challenges what I know to be true?
I was stunned. My friend is intelligent, charming, and compassionate—yet she couldn't see any of that.
I know she's not alone. Low self-esteem has become the number-one issue plaguing Christian women. Despite God's assurance that he's absolutely crazy about us, most of us can't believe he means us. It's like the cynical editor who tells the cub reporter, "If your mother says she loves you, check it out."
Comparison traps.
I'm technophobic. My brother got all the genes required to understand operating manuals, to repair things, or (gasp!) to make sense of computers. When I first had to learn how to use a computer for my job, I was convinced it was the end of life as I knew it.
I remember with painful clarity a beginner's computer class where the instructor told us to "press any key." I searched in vain for the "any" key. By the end of the class, I was certain I wasn't smart enough to drive myself home, much less dress for work the next day. This was despite the fact that I managed a home, a family, a job, and a professional staff.
Why was it so humiliating? Because I compared myself to the 10-year-old girl next door who effortlessly surfed the Net to research her term papers while I struggled just to log on. Instead of simply concluding that technical prowess is not one of my strengths, I concluded I must be stupid. It was a lie.
The art of the put-down.
People respect us as much as we respect ourselves. That's why the absence of self-confidence can telegraph to others not to believe in us.
For years I struggled to receive a compliment graciously. If someone complimented my hair, I'd discount it. I'd say my hairstyle made my face look fat or that my hair was a mousy color. What I really meant was, There must be some mistake. I'm not worth your regard. I don't like myself and can't really believe you do, either. The trouble is, if we persist in putting ourselves down, eventually people start to believe we're right.
Self-doubt.
Sometimes the problem isn't faulty data. We have an accurate picture of ourselves or a situation, but we capitulate the first time someone challenges us.
Several years ago, I discovered a grape-sized lump on my left breast. My doctor scheduled outpatient surgery right away. A month later, when I resumed periodic self-examination, I felt the same lump in the same hard-to-reach place. I was certain of it! When I called the doctor to suggest he might have missed the lump in question, he insisted I was wrong. It could not possibly be a lump, he said, because he had removed it. After all, he was the doctor.
I got off the phone, doubting what I'd felt with my own hand. But fear of lethal consequences gave me the courage to insist he re-examine me, at which point he reluctantly acknowledged that, yes, it did seem to be the original lump. He removed it in a second surgery.
Reclaim the Truth
It's time to go on the offensive and regain the confidence God wants for you. Here are a few ways to get started:
Name the lies—and give them to God.
Make a list of the falsehoods others have said about you (and what you've believed about yourself). Be specific. Then, agree with God that it's not how he sees you. Tell him, "God, I know you made me—and you don't make junk. These lies have got to go. I want to see myself the way you see me. Please begin the process of changing my mind."
Eugene Petersen, in The Message paraphrase of Romans 12:2, urges us to reject the flawed thinking of our culture and those around us: "Don't become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You'll be changed from the inside out."
Grieve the loss of what you'll never have and never be.
I once knew a woman who believed the lie that she was a victim. She wasn't in an abusive situation; she wasn't poor or ill or alone. But she felt as though the world always let her down. Eventually, she confessed to God the truth—playing the victim was easier for her than dealing with her own emotional "junk." But that was only the first step. Next she had to grieve the loss of a "crutch" she couldn't use anymore. She had to find a whole new way to live.
In my case, I had to confess the lie that I was stupid because I didn't understand technical things. Yet, even after acknowledging that I'm actually a pretty intelligent person, I still had to grieve the fact that no amount of classes or training would ever completely solve my technical ineptitude!
Another lie I believed about myself was that I'd been selfish for having only one child. The truth is, I nearly died giving birth to my daughter, and my husband didn't want to adopt. Still, I spent years feeling like an inferior mother—like I should have trusted God to protect me in subsequent childbirths.
I now believe that—in my case—one child was God's will for me. I've rejected the condemnation. Nevertheless, I had to grieve that I'd never have the houseful of children I'd always wanted.
Replace the lies with the truth.
God's Word is full of information about your identity and position as a believer in Jesus Christ. Let the wonder of God's perspective on you soak in. Do you fully realize what it means to be …
Fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14)
Precious to God (Isaiah 43:4)
Cared about since your conception (Isaiah 46:3)
God's child (John 1:12)
Jesus' friend (John 15:15)
Chosen by Jesus (John 15:16)
Loved dearly by God (John 16:27)
Free from condemnation (Romans 8:1)
A temple—a dwelling place—of God's Spirit (1 Corinthians 3:16)
Redeemed and forgiven of all your sins (Colossians 1:14)
Maybe you'd prefer God say he's crazy about dishwater blondes who are 20 pounds overweight. Then you'd know he meant you. But God didn't get that specific in describing Eve! All he tells us about her in Gen. 1:27, 31 is that she was made in his image and it was very good!
He feels the same way about you.
REALITY CHECKS
Pinpoint the ways you may be sabotaging yourself by answering the following questions:
What judgments do I make about myself that are, in fact, untrue? What's something wonderful about me that I've undervalued?
How do I typically respond when someone brags about me? Is it hard for me to receive a compliment—and why?
Do I fail to stick up for myself when someone challenges what I know to be true?
submit to abusing husband
When We Can't Agree to Disagree
by Keri Wyatt Kent
August 7, 2009 |
The idea that men and women are created differently, in ways that complement each other, sounds okay. But often, this “equal but different” thinking results in a hierarchy that can lead to distortions of truth, or even emotional and physical abuse.
For years, I thought that as with many theological side issues, sincere Christians can agree to disagree when it comes to gender roles. Some churches let women lead and teach the whole congregation, others interpret the Bible to say that women can only lead and teach other women, and in some cases, there are limits beyond even that. (I’ve heard of one church that doesn’t allow a woman to be the head of women’s ministries.)
I disagreed with this view, known as Complementarianism, but I figured, well, if that’s how they roll, then okay. But now, I’m starting to change my mind: often, it is not okay. Because if you take Complementarianism to the extreme, it becomes destructive.
Last week I received an e-mail linking to a news story that alleges that Saddleback Church in California counseled a woman to stay in an abusive marriage and also scolded her for “gossiping” about her marriage when she tried to ask for help (this story was all over Twitter and Facebook this week too). Saddleback (led by Purpose-Driven pastor Rick Warren) teaches Complementarianism—the wife must submit to her husband and that divorce in this instance is not an option.
For the record, Saddleback pastor Tom Holladay told GFL he could not reveal specifics of confidential pastoral counseling, but that Saddleback always counsel a woman (or man) in an abusive situation to leave and find a place of safety. They would, however, urge couples to get counseling and try to reconcile.
In the family, Complementarianism plays out like this: the man is the head of the household, and the ultimate authority. They cite Ephesians 5:22, which says that a wife must submit to her husband, and the husband should love his wife. The woman must submit to that authority, which comes with the man’s protection and provision. There are plenty of women who obviously want protection and provision.
They conclude that the husband is the head of the family. I cannot find a verse in scripture that says a man is supposed to be the head of the family. What the Bible says is that the relationship between a man and his wife is like a head and a body.
Egalitarians (the opposite of Complementarian) like myself see the head and body analogy is an illustration of the unity, or oneness that God intended in creation. A husband and wife need to be a team, like a head and a body. A body needs the head, the head needs the body. We cite the same biblical passage, but we look at the wider context, starting with verse 21: “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ” (emphasis mine). While someone (likely not a female translator) put a subhead right after verse 21, in the original text there were no subheads. So the next verses explain mutual submission—wives, submit to your husbands, and husbands, love your wives. Paul is talking about unity and oneness. He concludes his teaching with a reminder of the oneness theme, and mutual nature of submission: “each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband” (Eph. 5:33).
In churches that embrace Complementarianism, women rarely have the right to exercise their leadership gifts fully. When a church says that the man has more authority, can use his gifts more freely, it communicates a value (intended or not) that men are of greater value. And so if a woman (who has less value) complains of abuse, it is easy in that system to discount what she says, or blame her. So in addition to being abused by her husband, the woman is also abused by her church.
Think that doesn’t happen? In 2008, Southern Baptist Theological Seminary professor Bruce Ware said that when women, “as sinners” try to usurp their husband’s authority and “do what they would like to do,” their husbands can “respond to that threat to their authority” by being abusive (http://equalitycentral.com/blog/?p=14). Ware blames the unsubmissive wife for the abuse. Abusers typically blame their victims—and many victims know that they cannot stop abuse by changing their behavior.
If marriage is understood as a hierarchy, then the person at the top of that structure can easily conclude that he has permission to do what is necessary to maintain power. We cannot simply say, “Well-intentioned Christians can agree to disagree” if those Christians argue that abuse is the husband’s prerogative, or worse, the wife’s fault. It is where we must stand up for true Christianity, which does not condone violence in any form, and which teaches mutual submission, not hierarchy.
Keri Wyatt Kent is the author of seven books, a freelance writer and speaker. She and her husband Scot have been married for 18 years and have two children.
Posted by Caryn Rivadeneira on August 7, 2009
Comments
My prayer is that eventually the entire Body of Christ will understand the TRUTH about submission! I am currently separated from my abusive (minister) husband who uses the passage in Ephesians and other Scriptures to dominate, intimidate, control and guilt me into submission to him (which is called spiritual abuse). I went to our head pastor and the woman who leads womens ministries - both viewed me as the problem and proceeded to tell me what my faults supposedly were (I was in un-forgiveness, had a hard heart and was walking in anger)! I was truly shocked! I have had to pull away from my church at this point and am in deep prayer with several of my friends who know and love both my husband and I. This wrong attitude and interpretation of the Scripture MUST be eradicated from the Body of Christ! I don't believe there is any room to "agree to disagree" on this particular subject! So many love to quote the verse that says, "God hates divorce" but how many have actually found that particular Scripture and read it in context? Read Malachi 2:16 (AMP) - "For the Lord, the God of Israel, says: I hate divorce and marital separation AND HIM WHO COVERS HIS GARMENT (HIS WIFE) with violence. Therefore keep a watch upon your spirit[that it may be controlled by My Spirit], that you deal not treacherously and faithlessly [with your marriage mate]." The context of that verse involves God's judgment! Husbands and wives are to submit to one another in ultimate submission to Christ! HE is the one who should be leading the marriage - LOVE and TRUTH need to guide the home, not force. Ultimately, as Christians, we must obey God and not man and if you are in an abusive marriage, the good news is: God has called you to peace and He loves you because you are His precious daughter! Sometimes separation is the catalyst for change - sometimes not. Sometimes divorce is the only way to freedom because the man chooses to harden his heart to the Holy Spirit. Abuse is NEVER okay with God!
Posted by: michele on August 8, 2009
Keri,
I agree with you completely. Complementarianism, which would be more appropriately called, "Gender-Based Hierarchy in the Body of Christ" is not an acceptable "alternative" view for followers of Christ. You state, "If marriage is understood as a hierarchy, then the person at the top of that structure can easily conclude that he has permission to do what is necessary to maintain power." POWER is the key word in understanding the complementarian position.
Everything this position teaches is centered on maintaining men's power over women: physical, emotional, spiritual, and, if possible social power. The fact that society in the west has legally eliminated that social power means that the complementarian position works even harder to hold on to the other realms of power.
Yet it is hard to find any teaching in Scripture that validates, let alone commands, one believer to exercise power over another. Quite the contrary: Jesus instructed his followers NOT to be like the Gentile rulers who "lord it over" others (Mat. 20:25).
Complementarians are quick to argue (nowadays, at least) that men who abuse their wives are misusing their power. But the power itself is never called into question. In fact the male power view comes from a culture of patriarchy, a system God neither set up, commanded nor prescribed for God's children.
There are many more reasons in addition to abuse why the hierarchical view is unacceptable for followers of Jesus. It puts a male human mediator between a woman and God. It teaches women that God will somehow hold them less responsible for their actions than men. It values women less than men (despite all the "equal but separate" rhetoric. We know how well that worked!) Most importantly, it teaches that above all else, women's lives as believers are predetermined because they are women. Every other factor from calling to gifting to experience to training is of secondary importance next to her permanently unchangeable gender. Sociologists call this determinism, and it has been used historically to maintain slavery and a host of other social ills.
You are right, Keri, gender-based hierarchy is destructive, and not only to women but to the men who promote and practice it.
Posted by: lmb on August 8, 2009
Agree!
My husband has always seen him and I as equal in our marriage - thank God! For a time, I struggled with that thought, because all I knew was the traditional way of viewing men as the head. Over the past few year, I've come to know about (and feel) the love of our creator in a new way. All humans are made in his image - so why would they not be equal and/or why would one type of humans be 'under' the other?
At times, I had a hard time explaining myself to others,so thanks for these thoughts to help me more clearly voice my viewpoints when asked.
Posted by: Janet on August 8, 2009
Keri,
Thank you for your thoughts on this matter. I respect your input as a faithful servant of God.
I would have an initial question about some of what you stated. You said:
"Egalitarians like myself see the head and body analogy is an illustration of the unity, or oneness that God intended in creation. A husband and wife need to be a team, like a head and a body. A body needs the head, the head needs the body... Paul is talking about unity and oneness. He concludes his teaching with a reminder of the oneness theme, and mutual nature of submission: “each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband” (Eph. 5:33)."
I shortened all of your quote to help fit this comment, but it can be read above.
The text you site says this: " 22Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. 23For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything."
If head and body emphasize oneness/sameness/unity as you state, then Christ would be the same in authority as the church. The comparison is husband to wife as Christ to church. Head to body, husband to wife, Christ to church. I don't think that you would be suggesting that Christ and the church are equal in authority as would be the logical conclusion. Could you please offer me your thoughts on how this all fits together.
Obviously, it is hard to discuss all sides of these verses in a blog, but you have attempted to show a view based on some thoughts and I am curious how you and others would carry that argument based on those verses.
Thank you for your faithfulness to God, His Word, and your family. Gracefully, KG.
Posted by: KG on August 8, 2009
Dear Keri,
Whenever I hear stories of abusive relationship like the one you mentioned, my heart trembles and I can’t help but praying for our Lord to come again soon, so such evil against our fellow sisters can be ended forever! I too feel angry, and want justice done. Nevertheless, in my attempts to voice on this important subject in various occasions, I gradually noticed a couple of things that could potentially weaken our well intentioned messages:
1) Labeling and “fighting” against anyone labeled as the opposite. In fact, from my study on the subject “women in ministry” so far, I found that the term “complementarianism” has a very broad definition and people don’t necessarily mean the same thing when they call themselves by this label. For example, I think you will be delightfully surprised if you read Dr. C. L. Blomberg ‘s essay on “Women in Ministry” collected in the book Two Views on Women in Ministry (2nd ed., 2005), in which he provides a careful survey of OT and NT scriptures in support of women in ministries, including preaching. Yet he calls himself a “complementarianist”. Should we dismiss him or his writing just because of this label, we would be missing treasures that could better equip us to dialogue more effectively with those who misinterpret the Bible and devalue women in marriage and/or ministry.
2) Let our emotions get too much in the way for us to truthfully seeking to understand the Scripture. It indeed is almost impossible not to get emotional as so much is at stake when someone denies our identity and purpose as God so created and intended. Yet when we let our emotions get out of hand, we could potentially take scripture out of context to support our own opinion. For example, I would agree with KG that your interpretation of Eph 5 is indeed questionable. Just as some of the Christian men we are criticizing here, when we use the Scripture in partiality for our own agenda instead of the will of God, we become just like them and will potentially lose credibility in front of God and our fellow Christians.
With that in mind, perhaps what we need to question is not the “headship” of husband to wife but the nature of it. If we read on to Eph 5:25-30, I would say the real meaning of “headship” becomes pretty clear--“Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her…In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body.” Do you strive to be a good Christian husband? Then don’t worry about maintaining this humanly conceived notion of “authority”; rather, cherish and nourish your wife and love to the point to give yourself up for her. And you will be amazed as to how willingly your wife will submit to your leadership! Same thing for us wives, as long as it is not about anything against God’s will (being abusive is definitely against God’s will, when we are to love even our neighbor as ourselves, let alone husband or wife!), let’s make effort in the Spirit-given strength to submit our individualistic will and preference to our husbands’ and bring peace to the family!
Posted by: Helen on August 9, 2009
Helen,
I'm not following your final points of your post. You clearly understand that the husband is called to give himself up for his wife, yet you then turn around and say that women are "to submit our individualistic will and preference to our husband's and bring peace to the family."
So what about a man's individualistic will? And where did the man's "giving himself up" go? In your last sentence, you set the man in a position of power to which a woman must give in, whereas the verses you quoted teach that a man is to be in a position of servanthood to his wife, in which he "gives himself up" for what is best for her.
A peaceful family does not consist of a wife submitting her individualistic preferences to a husband's whims. A peaceful family consists of two responsible, mature adults, neither of them acting out of their individualistic wills, but both of them acting out of what is best for everyone in the family. And generally what is best for the family is for every family member to have the freedom to wholly submit to the call that God has placed on his, or on her, life.
Posted by: Sue on August 10, 2009
Thank you for writing this, Keri! I'm glad that more and more people are no longer dismissing this issue as a matter of taste. I agree that gender equality, rather than hierarchy, is a biblical teaching.
Posted by: hollie on August 10, 2009
KG, you asked Keri how her understanding of unity could be right since you think it would mean that Christ and the church are equal in authority, which is clearly not true. I think there are a couple of things that help explain why this is not a problem.
1. The head-body example is an illustration or a metaphor. Language uses these all the time to show how things are similar. One of the first rules for understanding a metaphor is that it does not apply exactly in all of its aspects. You have to look at the context to see which part of the metaphor the author is using to make his point.
Verse 23 says, “For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior.” Then verses 25-27 define what Christ did for the church: loved her, gave himself up for her, made her holy, washed her, made her radiant and without blemish.
Paul is clear: he is talking about loving and caring. The word “authority” is nowhere in the whole text. The only way to find it here is to assume beforehand that “head” stands for “boss, ruler or authority” and nothing else. But is that what it means?
In this verse, and in 1 Cor 11:3 and Col 1:18 the phrase “head of” is used to describe relationships: Christ is the head of the church, or the head of man, the husband is the head of his wife, God is the head of Christ. But Eph. 1:22 says, “And God placed all things under his [Christ’s] feet, and appointed him to be head OVER everything FOR the church, which is his body. . . .” See the difference? Here is a power or authority structure: Christ is head OVER all things FOR the church, not head over the church. It’s a different kind of relationship entirely.
2. In order to understand the idea of authority in marriage, we should look at the passage about marriage where Paul actually does use the word and explain the concept, in 1 Cor. 7. Alvera Mickelsen explains this very well in the July 30 issue of Arise published by CBE. You can subscribe here: http://www.cbeinternational.org/. Her article is excellent. I would quote it here but I’d be breaking copyright laws.
KG, I don’t know if Keri would have a different answer, but this is the reason why I think the answer to your question is no, there is no message here that the church and Christ are equal in authority: because the idea of authority isn’t even in the passage at all!
Posted by: lmb on August 11, 2009
Yes, Keri, I agree wholeheartedly, and so does my husband. The wife is to put the husband before herself. The husband is to put the wife before himself. In fact, Paul commands believers to consider others more important than themselves and Jesus clearly teaches that a "leader" is one who gives up everything to SERVE another. Funny how these principles seem to go out the window with some men the minute they are married.
Posted by: Robyn on August 11, 2009
Complementarianism occurs when people look at the Bible throught the sin-filled lenses of the world. I've always found that complementarianism goes up when people ignore the Holy Spirit.
By the way, the verses in Ephesians are about love, not authority.
Posted by: K. on August 11, 2009
My Deacon has a great take on why God made men the spiritual heads of the house, he says "well if God didn't make'em, they'd never do it" (O:
Posted by: Michael McCleary on August 11, 2009
Keri-
THANK YOU! I have just finished an abusive 36-yr marriage to an ordained ministry leader. Until this last year, all the counsel I received was as you described. When my husband added unfaithfulness to the mix, I finally understood the truth you describe. When, after 9 months of couples' counseling, he still believed I was the problem, the Lord said to me "The reign of terror is over"(Ps 10:18 The Message),and I took the hardest stand of my life and ended my marriage, with the Lord's sad blessing.
How can we reach into the hidden suffering of so many of our sisters, so that healing and grace can be poured into their lives, and into the lives of husbands willing to change?
Posted by: martha on August 11, 2009
It is interesting to me that we believe Jesus Christ is God, equal in essence to the Father, but yet He submitted to the Him. Does that submission communicate "a value that the Father is of greater value" than the Son?
Posted by: Mike on August 11, 2009
Dear Sue,
Thank you for the thoughtful response! And you are asking some real important questions for us to ponder further on the great challenge of being able to obey God’s will for husbands and wives according to the Scripture.
The truth and fact, as we all know, is that, although originally created in God’s image, we are all sinners, fall short of God’s glory, and have the strong tendency to be self-centered. Ideally, as you stated, when both my husband and I have individualistic will (desires), he would realized his problem and thus opt to satisfy mine in an effort to live up to his own godly standard for being a loving husband. Yet just like myself, he is still in the process of being sanctified and could fail (miserably) from time to time, not to mention that both of us could simply be misunderstanding the other (plus being judgmental) as finite beings. Therefore, if I insist that he live up to the biblical standard for a self-sacrificing husband, I could be hitting a stone wall at the very moment, and worse, he could cite his Bible just as well and insists on my perfect submission. Where do we go next? Often a dead end, in my personal experience, and someone has to turn around first, so that God’s grace could work us toward mutual confession and reconciliation.
My final point was just that--both husbands and wives should be reading the Bible for themselves, and we are not to hold our spouses against God’s will for them while underestimating and even letting go of our own mistakes and responsibilities. In other words, we are to submit to God’s will even when we have to suffer significant emotional distress to be the first to admit our own weakness and/or reexamine our own desire in light of God’s word.
The real amazing thing I found is that, whenever I was willing to eventually take up this challenge with Spirit-given strength (often after my argument with God in regards to the unfairness of the situation and what He wants from me), God has always been faithful to grant us grace, bringing my husband down to awareness and willingness to also fulfill his obligation for us to work toward a true reconciliation. I’m sure he has similar stories to share, in which I was the “stubborn-necked” one in the pair, and I am sure there will still be stories like down the road. But again, as long as we both (taking turn) strive to submit to God’s will with the Spirit-given strength, we regain the peace God promised to all who loves Him. Praise God!
Just like what you said, “A peaceful family consists of two responsible, mature adults, neither of them acting out of their individualistic wills, but both of them acting out of what is best for everyone in the family.” What a great way to put it, Sue, can’t agree with you more! And I’m sure God has called us into His Kingdom as teams of husband and wife for a wonderful purpose!
Posted by: Helen on August 11, 2009
I think that Complementarianism is simply the traditional Christian view of the divinely-mandated authority of the husband over the wife, with all that this implies, including the position taken by the Baptist theologian you mention. As a liberal Christian--if there can be such a thing--I don't believe I have to take Scripture with complete literalness. My wife and I have what we regard, but which an evangelical Christian who understands the Bible literally would not so regard, as a Christian marriage. Using this column's terminology, we would be Egalitarians.
However, I do not believe that Egalitarianism has any Scriptural basis; it is a secular moral view that many Christians would like to be able to find in Scripture. It is not there.
Posted by: Jim on August 11, 2009
Dear Keri,
I appreciate you voicing your concerns. I, too, despise abuse, and have several friends who have been in abusive relationships. However, I am concerned about your quote from Bruce Ware: you made him say exactly opposite what he was intending. In the link that contained the longer quote, Ware clearly calls abuse sinful. He lists it as an example of a husband's sinful response to a threat to his authority; when he says "can" he's not saying abuse is legitimate, but rather simply that it exists. I completely respect your difference of opinion with Ware on the roles of men and women in marriage, but please quote him accurately. I had him as a professor and know that he deplores abuse. Dr. Ware is one of the most humble, godly men I know. He loves his wife dearly and strives to help men treat their wives with honor and Christ-like love. Please don't slander his name by misrepresenting what he believes.
Posted by: ih on August 11, 2009
Great discussion. And I appreciated the comments defending my position--the verses about head and body are not about authority, but about love and care. Thank you, LMB.
And Jim, I'm glad you are an egalatarian in practice, but I must tell you, it does have a scriptural basis. just read through the comments on this post and you'll see it. You have to separate traditional interpretation from what the text actually says.
And IH, i did wonder about Dr. Ware's quote--what he meant by "can"--was he observing what does happen, or giving it his approval? i can see your point that he was not condoning it--however, in the text of that talk, I saw nothing where he said, 'abuse is wrong,' straight out. I wish he'd been more forthright. Not just because people like me might misinterpret his meaning, but because people who are prone to abuse might do so as well.
there are other Christian leaders who have said similar or worse things about domestic abuse, and plenty of churches who counsel women to "stay and pray" in abusive relationships. That's just wrong, no matter what you think the Bible says.
Posted by: Keri Wyatt Kent on August 11, 2009
I really do feel this is a very unbalanced perspective in terms of complimentarism and its effects on leadership within the church.
The "likely not a female translator" statement made about verse 21 made me feel very annoyed. The same verse in the Amplified Bible translation reads the same and that translation was in large part done by a woman (not to mention the countless eyes that have translated the original text the same way and verified to the best of their abilities that you would also need to rebut).
I think the part about complimentarism that gets people so irate is when they equate their experience with it (done in the wrong way) as a revelation from the Lord. Its as if when it doesn't work out, 'I must have it wrong' so if we can back it up with scripture then (Egalitarianism) it must be right (correct, prefered way etc).
For sure, you must be a team in a marriage and their must be leadership in a marriage but to say that 2 can be leaders in a marriage or in the case of a woman to lead in the same men appointed positions of church settings is counter-scriptural (12 disciples, Paul, David etc etc) I have heard the cultural arguement for why men were prefered to deliver the gospel but Jesus shook so many people's persepectives, why not female leadership when he had the chance (e.g. choose a female disciple/s)? There has to be a reason for the lack of compulsion to speak on this but just his silence on this begs the question: was there anything wrong with men chosen as leaders?
The complimentarism view can go too extreme like you've said (a man leading women's ministry is just crazy) but done properly, complimentarism and women in leadership can be done within the church environment AND be fulfilling, not oppressive to women. Unfortunately you seem to have found quite a lot of times when it was not done properly.... a trend that I find increasingly concerning.
by Keri Wyatt Kent
August 7, 2009 |
The idea that men and women are created differently, in ways that complement each other, sounds okay. But often, this “equal but different” thinking results in a hierarchy that can lead to distortions of truth, or even emotional and physical abuse.
For years, I thought that as with many theological side issues, sincere Christians can agree to disagree when it comes to gender roles. Some churches let women lead and teach the whole congregation, others interpret the Bible to say that women can only lead and teach other women, and in some cases, there are limits beyond even that. (I’ve heard of one church that doesn’t allow a woman to be the head of women’s ministries.)
I disagreed with this view, known as Complementarianism, but I figured, well, if that’s how they roll, then okay. But now, I’m starting to change my mind: often, it is not okay. Because if you take Complementarianism to the extreme, it becomes destructive.
Last week I received an e-mail linking to a news story that alleges that Saddleback Church in California counseled a woman to stay in an abusive marriage and also scolded her for “gossiping” about her marriage when she tried to ask for help (this story was all over Twitter and Facebook this week too). Saddleback (led by Purpose-Driven pastor Rick Warren) teaches Complementarianism—the wife must submit to her husband and that divorce in this instance is not an option.
For the record, Saddleback pastor Tom Holladay told GFL he could not reveal specifics of confidential pastoral counseling, but that Saddleback always counsel a woman (or man) in an abusive situation to leave and find a place of safety. They would, however, urge couples to get counseling and try to reconcile.
In the family, Complementarianism plays out like this: the man is the head of the household, and the ultimate authority. They cite Ephesians 5:22, which says that a wife must submit to her husband, and the husband should love his wife. The woman must submit to that authority, which comes with the man’s protection and provision. There are plenty of women who obviously want protection and provision.
They conclude that the husband is the head of the family. I cannot find a verse in scripture that says a man is supposed to be the head of the family. What the Bible says is that the relationship between a man and his wife is like a head and a body.
Egalitarians (the opposite of Complementarian) like myself see the head and body analogy is an illustration of the unity, or oneness that God intended in creation. A husband and wife need to be a team, like a head and a body. A body needs the head, the head needs the body. We cite the same biblical passage, but we look at the wider context, starting with verse 21: “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ” (emphasis mine). While someone (likely not a female translator) put a subhead right after verse 21, in the original text there were no subheads. So the next verses explain mutual submission—wives, submit to your husbands, and husbands, love your wives. Paul is talking about unity and oneness. He concludes his teaching with a reminder of the oneness theme, and mutual nature of submission: “each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband” (Eph. 5:33).
In churches that embrace Complementarianism, women rarely have the right to exercise their leadership gifts fully. When a church says that the man has more authority, can use his gifts more freely, it communicates a value (intended or not) that men are of greater value. And so if a woman (who has less value) complains of abuse, it is easy in that system to discount what she says, or blame her. So in addition to being abused by her husband, the woman is also abused by her church.
Think that doesn’t happen? In 2008, Southern Baptist Theological Seminary professor Bruce Ware said that when women, “as sinners” try to usurp their husband’s authority and “do what they would like to do,” their husbands can “respond to that threat to their authority” by being abusive (http://equalitycentral.com/blog/?p=14). Ware blames the unsubmissive wife for the abuse. Abusers typically blame their victims—and many victims know that they cannot stop abuse by changing their behavior.
If marriage is understood as a hierarchy, then the person at the top of that structure can easily conclude that he has permission to do what is necessary to maintain power. We cannot simply say, “Well-intentioned Christians can agree to disagree” if those Christians argue that abuse is the husband’s prerogative, or worse, the wife’s fault. It is where we must stand up for true Christianity, which does not condone violence in any form, and which teaches mutual submission, not hierarchy.
Keri Wyatt Kent is the author of seven books, a freelance writer and speaker. She and her husband Scot have been married for 18 years and have two children.
Posted by Caryn Rivadeneira on August 7, 2009
Comments
My prayer is that eventually the entire Body of Christ will understand the TRUTH about submission! I am currently separated from my abusive (minister) husband who uses the passage in Ephesians and other Scriptures to dominate, intimidate, control and guilt me into submission to him (which is called spiritual abuse). I went to our head pastor and the woman who leads womens ministries - both viewed me as the problem and proceeded to tell me what my faults supposedly were (I was in un-forgiveness, had a hard heart and was walking in anger)! I was truly shocked! I have had to pull away from my church at this point and am in deep prayer with several of my friends who know and love both my husband and I. This wrong attitude and interpretation of the Scripture MUST be eradicated from the Body of Christ! I don't believe there is any room to "agree to disagree" on this particular subject! So many love to quote the verse that says, "God hates divorce" but how many have actually found that particular Scripture and read it in context? Read Malachi 2:16 (AMP) - "For the Lord, the God of Israel, says: I hate divorce and marital separation AND HIM WHO COVERS HIS GARMENT (HIS WIFE) with violence. Therefore keep a watch upon your spirit[that it may be controlled by My Spirit], that you deal not treacherously and faithlessly [with your marriage mate]." The context of that verse involves God's judgment! Husbands and wives are to submit to one another in ultimate submission to Christ! HE is the one who should be leading the marriage - LOVE and TRUTH need to guide the home, not force. Ultimately, as Christians, we must obey God and not man and if you are in an abusive marriage, the good news is: God has called you to peace and He loves you because you are His precious daughter! Sometimes separation is the catalyst for change - sometimes not. Sometimes divorce is the only way to freedom because the man chooses to harden his heart to the Holy Spirit. Abuse is NEVER okay with God!
Posted by: michele on August 8, 2009
Keri,
I agree with you completely. Complementarianism, which would be more appropriately called, "Gender-Based Hierarchy in the Body of Christ" is not an acceptable "alternative" view for followers of Christ. You state, "If marriage is understood as a hierarchy, then the person at the top of that structure can easily conclude that he has permission to do what is necessary to maintain power." POWER is the key word in understanding the complementarian position.
Everything this position teaches is centered on maintaining men's power over women: physical, emotional, spiritual, and, if possible social power. The fact that society in the west has legally eliminated that social power means that the complementarian position works even harder to hold on to the other realms of power.
Yet it is hard to find any teaching in Scripture that validates, let alone commands, one believer to exercise power over another. Quite the contrary: Jesus instructed his followers NOT to be like the Gentile rulers who "lord it over" others (Mat. 20:25).
Complementarians are quick to argue (nowadays, at least) that men who abuse their wives are misusing their power. But the power itself is never called into question. In fact the male power view comes from a culture of patriarchy, a system God neither set up, commanded nor prescribed for God's children.
There are many more reasons in addition to abuse why the hierarchical view is unacceptable for followers of Jesus. It puts a male human mediator between a woman and God. It teaches women that God will somehow hold them less responsible for their actions than men. It values women less than men (despite all the "equal but separate" rhetoric. We know how well that worked!) Most importantly, it teaches that above all else, women's lives as believers are predetermined because they are women. Every other factor from calling to gifting to experience to training is of secondary importance next to her permanently unchangeable gender. Sociologists call this determinism, and it has been used historically to maintain slavery and a host of other social ills.
You are right, Keri, gender-based hierarchy is destructive, and not only to women but to the men who promote and practice it.
Posted by: lmb on August 8, 2009
Agree!
My husband has always seen him and I as equal in our marriage - thank God! For a time, I struggled with that thought, because all I knew was the traditional way of viewing men as the head. Over the past few year, I've come to know about (and feel) the love of our creator in a new way. All humans are made in his image - so why would they not be equal and/or why would one type of humans be 'under' the other?
At times, I had a hard time explaining myself to others,so thanks for these thoughts to help me more clearly voice my viewpoints when asked.
Posted by: Janet on August 8, 2009
Keri,
Thank you for your thoughts on this matter. I respect your input as a faithful servant of God.
I would have an initial question about some of what you stated. You said:
"Egalitarians like myself see the head and body analogy is an illustration of the unity, or oneness that God intended in creation. A husband and wife need to be a team, like a head and a body. A body needs the head, the head needs the body... Paul is talking about unity and oneness. He concludes his teaching with a reminder of the oneness theme, and mutual nature of submission: “each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband” (Eph. 5:33)."
I shortened all of your quote to help fit this comment, but it can be read above.
The text you site says this: " 22Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. 23For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything."
If head and body emphasize oneness/sameness/unity as you state, then Christ would be the same in authority as the church. The comparison is husband to wife as Christ to church. Head to body, husband to wife, Christ to church. I don't think that you would be suggesting that Christ and the church are equal in authority as would be the logical conclusion. Could you please offer me your thoughts on how this all fits together.
Obviously, it is hard to discuss all sides of these verses in a blog, but you have attempted to show a view based on some thoughts and I am curious how you and others would carry that argument based on those verses.
Thank you for your faithfulness to God, His Word, and your family. Gracefully, KG.
Posted by: KG on August 8, 2009
Dear Keri,
Whenever I hear stories of abusive relationship like the one you mentioned, my heart trembles and I can’t help but praying for our Lord to come again soon, so such evil against our fellow sisters can be ended forever! I too feel angry, and want justice done. Nevertheless, in my attempts to voice on this important subject in various occasions, I gradually noticed a couple of things that could potentially weaken our well intentioned messages:
1) Labeling and “fighting” against anyone labeled as the opposite. In fact, from my study on the subject “women in ministry” so far, I found that the term “complementarianism” has a very broad definition and people don’t necessarily mean the same thing when they call themselves by this label. For example, I think you will be delightfully surprised if you read Dr. C. L. Blomberg ‘s essay on “Women in Ministry” collected in the book Two Views on Women in Ministry (2nd ed., 2005), in which he provides a careful survey of OT and NT scriptures in support of women in ministries, including preaching. Yet he calls himself a “complementarianist”. Should we dismiss him or his writing just because of this label, we would be missing treasures that could better equip us to dialogue more effectively with those who misinterpret the Bible and devalue women in marriage and/or ministry.
2) Let our emotions get too much in the way for us to truthfully seeking to understand the Scripture. It indeed is almost impossible not to get emotional as so much is at stake when someone denies our identity and purpose as God so created and intended. Yet when we let our emotions get out of hand, we could potentially take scripture out of context to support our own opinion. For example, I would agree with KG that your interpretation of Eph 5 is indeed questionable. Just as some of the Christian men we are criticizing here, when we use the Scripture in partiality for our own agenda instead of the will of God, we become just like them and will potentially lose credibility in front of God and our fellow Christians.
With that in mind, perhaps what we need to question is not the “headship” of husband to wife but the nature of it. If we read on to Eph 5:25-30, I would say the real meaning of “headship” becomes pretty clear--“Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her…In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body.” Do you strive to be a good Christian husband? Then don’t worry about maintaining this humanly conceived notion of “authority”; rather, cherish and nourish your wife and love to the point to give yourself up for her. And you will be amazed as to how willingly your wife will submit to your leadership! Same thing for us wives, as long as it is not about anything against God’s will (being abusive is definitely against God’s will, when we are to love even our neighbor as ourselves, let alone husband or wife!), let’s make effort in the Spirit-given strength to submit our individualistic will and preference to our husbands’ and bring peace to the family!
Posted by: Helen on August 9, 2009
Helen,
I'm not following your final points of your post. You clearly understand that the husband is called to give himself up for his wife, yet you then turn around and say that women are "to submit our individualistic will and preference to our husband's and bring peace to the family."
So what about a man's individualistic will? And where did the man's "giving himself up" go? In your last sentence, you set the man in a position of power to which a woman must give in, whereas the verses you quoted teach that a man is to be in a position of servanthood to his wife, in which he "gives himself up" for what is best for her.
A peaceful family does not consist of a wife submitting her individualistic preferences to a husband's whims. A peaceful family consists of two responsible, mature adults, neither of them acting out of their individualistic wills, but both of them acting out of what is best for everyone in the family. And generally what is best for the family is for every family member to have the freedom to wholly submit to the call that God has placed on his, or on her, life.
Posted by: Sue on August 10, 2009
Thank you for writing this, Keri! I'm glad that more and more people are no longer dismissing this issue as a matter of taste. I agree that gender equality, rather than hierarchy, is a biblical teaching.
Posted by: hollie on August 10, 2009
KG, you asked Keri how her understanding of unity could be right since you think it would mean that Christ and the church are equal in authority, which is clearly not true. I think there are a couple of things that help explain why this is not a problem.
1. The head-body example is an illustration or a metaphor. Language uses these all the time to show how things are similar. One of the first rules for understanding a metaphor is that it does not apply exactly in all of its aspects. You have to look at the context to see which part of the metaphor the author is using to make his point.
Verse 23 says, “For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior.” Then verses 25-27 define what Christ did for the church: loved her, gave himself up for her, made her holy, washed her, made her radiant and without blemish.
Paul is clear: he is talking about loving and caring. The word “authority” is nowhere in the whole text. The only way to find it here is to assume beforehand that “head” stands for “boss, ruler or authority” and nothing else. But is that what it means?
In this verse, and in 1 Cor 11:3 and Col 1:18 the phrase “head of” is used to describe relationships: Christ is the head of the church, or the head of man, the husband is the head of his wife, God is the head of Christ. But Eph. 1:22 says, “And God placed all things under his [Christ’s] feet, and appointed him to be head OVER everything FOR the church, which is his body. . . .” See the difference? Here is a power or authority structure: Christ is head OVER all things FOR the church, not head over the church. It’s a different kind of relationship entirely.
2. In order to understand the idea of authority in marriage, we should look at the passage about marriage where Paul actually does use the word and explain the concept, in 1 Cor. 7. Alvera Mickelsen explains this very well in the July 30 issue of Arise published by CBE. You can subscribe here: http://www.cbeinternational.org/. Her article is excellent. I would quote it here but I’d be breaking copyright laws.
KG, I don’t know if Keri would have a different answer, but this is the reason why I think the answer to your question is no, there is no message here that the church and Christ are equal in authority: because the idea of authority isn’t even in the passage at all!
Posted by: lmb on August 11, 2009
Yes, Keri, I agree wholeheartedly, and so does my husband. The wife is to put the husband before herself. The husband is to put the wife before himself. In fact, Paul commands believers to consider others more important than themselves and Jesus clearly teaches that a "leader" is one who gives up everything to SERVE another. Funny how these principles seem to go out the window with some men the minute they are married.
Posted by: Robyn on August 11, 2009
Complementarianism occurs when people look at the Bible throught the sin-filled lenses of the world. I've always found that complementarianism goes up when people ignore the Holy Spirit.
By the way, the verses in Ephesians are about love, not authority.
Posted by: K. on August 11, 2009
My Deacon has a great take on why God made men the spiritual heads of the house, he says "well if God didn't make'em, they'd never do it" (O:
Posted by: Michael McCleary on August 11, 2009
Keri-
THANK YOU! I have just finished an abusive 36-yr marriage to an ordained ministry leader. Until this last year, all the counsel I received was as you described. When my husband added unfaithfulness to the mix, I finally understood the truth you describe. When, after 9 months of couples' counseling, he still believed I was the problem, the Lord said to me "The reign of terror is over"(Ps 10:18 The Message),and I took the hardest stand of my life and ended my marriage, with the Lord's sad blessing.
How can we reach into the hidden suffering of so many of our sisters, so that healing and grace can be poured into their lives, and into the lives of husbands willing to change?
Posted by: martha on August 11, 2009
It is interesting to me that we believe Jesus Christ is God, equal in essence to the Father, but yet He submitted to the Him. Does that submission communicate "a value that the Father is of greater value" than the Son?
Posted by: Mike on August 11, 2009
Dear Sue,
Thank you for the thoughtful response! And you are asking some real important questions for us to ponder further on the great challenge of being able to obey God’s will for husbands and wives according to the Scripture.
The truth and fact, as we all know, is that, although originally created in God’s image, we are all sinners, fall short of God’s glory, and have the strong tendency to be self-centered. Ideally, as you stated, when both my husband and I have individualistic will (desires), he would realized his problem and thus opt to satisfy mine in an effort to live up to his own godly standard for being a loving husband. Yet just like myself, he is still in the process of being sanctified and could fail (miserably) from time to time, not to mention that both of us could simply be misunderstanding the other (plus being judgmental) as finite beings. Therefore, if I insist that he live up to the biblical standard for a self-sacrificing husband, I could be hitting a stone wall at the very moment, and worse, he could cite his Bible just as well and insists on my perfect submission. Where do we go next? Often a dead end, in my personal experience, and someone has to turn around first, so that God’s grace could work us toward mutual confession and reconciliation.
My final point was just that--both husbands and wives should be reading the Bible for themselves, and we are not to hold our spouses against God’s will for them while underestimating and even letting go of our own mistakes and responsibilities. In other words, we are to submit to God’s will even when we have to suffer significant emotional distress to be the first to admit our own weakness and/or reexamine our own desire in light of God’s word.
The real amazing thing I found is that, whenever I was willing to eventually take up this challenge with Spirit-given strength (often after my argument with God in regards to the unfairness of the situation and what He wants from me), God has always been faithful to grant us grace, bringing my husband down to awareness and willingness to also fulfill his obligation for us to work toward a true reconciliation. I’m sure he has similar stories to share, in which I was the “stubborn-necked” one in the pair, and I am sure there will still be stories like down the road. But again, as long as we both (taking turn) strive to submit to God’s will with the Spirit-given strength, we regain the peace God promised to all who loves Him. Praise God!
Just like what you said, “A peaceful family consists of two responsible, mature adults, neither of them acting out of their individualistic wills, but both of them acting out of what is best for everyone in the family.” What a great way to put it, Sue, can’t agree with you more! And I’m sure God has called us into His Kingdom as teams of husband and wife for a wonderful purpose!
Posted by: Helen on August 11, 2009
I think that Complementarianism is simply the traditional Christian view of the divinely-mandated authority of the husband over the wife, with all that this implies, including the position taken by the Baptist theologian you mention. As a liberal Christian--if there can be such a thing--I don't believe I have to take Scripture with complete literalness. My wife and I have what we regard, but which an evangelical Christian who understands the Bible literally would not so regard, as a Christian marriage. Using this column's terminology, we would be Egalitarians.
However, I do not believe that Egalitarianism has any Scriptural basis; it is a secular moral view that many Christians would like to be able to find in Scripture. It is not there.
Posted by: Jim on August 11, 2009
Dear Keri,
I appreciate you voicing your concerns. I, too, despise abuse, and have several friends who have been in abusive relationships. However, I am concerned about your quote from Bruce Ware: you made him say exactly opposite what he was intending. In the link that contained the longer quote, Ware clearly calls abuse sinful. He lists it as an example of a husband's sinful response to a threat to his authority; when he says "can" he's not saying abuse is legitimate, but rather simply that it exists. I completely respect your difference of opinion with Ware on the roles of men and women in marriage, but please quote him accurately. I had him as a professor and know that he deplores abuse. Dr. Ware is one of the most humble, godly men I know. He loves his wife dearly and strives to help men treat their wives with honor and Christ-like love. Please don't slander his name by misrepresenting what he believes.
Posted by: ih on August 11, 2009
Great discussion. And I appreciated the comments defending my position--the verses about head and body are not about authority, but about love and care. Thank you, LMB.
And Jim, I'm glad you are an egalatarian in practice, but I must tell you, it does have a scriptural basis. just read through the comments on this post and you'll see it. You have to separate traditional interpretation from what the text actually says.
And IH, i did wonder about Dr. Ware's quote--what he meant by "can"--was he observing what does happen, or giving it his approval? i can see your point that he was not condoning it--however, in the text of that talk, I saw nothing where he said, 'abuse is wrong,' straight out. I wish he'd been more forthright. Not just because people like me might misinterpret his meaning, but because people who are prone to abuse might do so as well.
there are other Christian leaders who have said similar or worse things about domestic abuse, and plenty of churches who counsel women to "stay and pray" in abusive relationships. That's just wrong, no matter what you think the Bible says.
Posted by: Keri Wyatt Kent on August 11, 2009
I really do feel this is a very unbalanced perspective in terms of complimentarism and its effects on leadership within the church.
The "likely not a female translator" statement made about verse 21 made me feel very annoyed. The same verse in the Amplified Bible translation reads the same and that translation was in large part done by a woman (not to mention the countless eyes that have translated the original text the same way and verified to the best of their abilities that you would also need to rebut).
I think the part about complimentarism that gets people so irate is when they equate their experience with it (done in the wrong way) as a revelation from the Lord. Its as if when it doesn't work out, 'I must have it wrong' so if we can back it up with scripture then (Egalitarianism) it must be right (correct, prefered way etc).
For sure, you must be a team in a marriage and their must be leadership in a marriage but to say that 2 can be leaders in a marriage or in the case of a woman to lead in the same men appointed positions of church settings is counter-scriptural (12 disciples, Paul, David etc etc) I have heard the cultural arguement for why men were prefered to deliver the gospel but Jesus shook so many people's persepectives, why not female leadership when he had the chance (e.g. choose a female disciple/s)? There has to be a reason for the lack of compulsion to speak on this but just his silence on this begs the question: was there anything wrong with men chosen as leaders?
The complimentarism view can go too extreme like you've said (a man leading women's ministry is just crazy) but done properly, complimentarism and women in leadership can be done within the church environment AND be fulfilling, not oppressive to women. Unfortunately you seem to have found quite a lot of times when it was not done properly.... a trend that I find increasingly concerning.
