I know God won't give me anything I can't handle.
I just wish he didn't trust me so much.
—Mother Teresa
When my marriage died, it profoundly shook my faith. As a new Christian, I had assumed that since I had been faithful and followed God, He in return would bless our marriage. So why was He allowing this separation? Why wasn't He protecting me from divorce?
As a Christian, I believed God would automatically make sure nothing bad ever happened to my marriage. I didn't take into account that God gives us all free will. And if my husband decided to leave, God wasn't going to shackle him to the couch.
Although obeying God is always the best choice, I learned my obedience didn't guarantee a specific outcome for my marriage. I can't put God in a box and demand that He perform as I request.
Fortunately, I had great friends who stayed by my side while I struggled with God. For example, my friend Carol Young hugged me, cried with me, and listened to all my fears. Her Christlike behavior drew me back to God and helped restore my faith. I'm extremely grateful for her support during that horrible season of my life.
During my divorce, I couldn't find the energy or mental capacity to pray, so I would sit by the stereo and listen to praise music. The words to those songs became a "Mayday! Mayday!" type of prayer. On occasion, I could muster enough strength to open my Bible and let God soothe my heart. If your experience with God has been damaged or is limited, this is a terrific time to draw near to Him. Give Him your broken heart. He is masterful at binding up wounds, and He eagerly yearns for a deep relationship with you. Unlike people, He will never abandon or betray you. The security, gentleness, and love He longs to lavish on you will be like nothing you have ever experienced.
***
I've heard that God hates divorce. If that's true, why doesn't He stop my wife from leaving me? Why does she get to have a great time with no worries when she's the one who left the marriage, and I get stuck being miserable?
This is a version of humankind's oldest question: Why does God allow suffering? Why do the people who cause hurt seem to get off without any consequences? I don't claim to have all the answers, but I can tell you what I've witnessed over the years and what I know to be true.
People can appear to be blissfully enjoying the single life, but deep in their hearts, they may be lonely. I believe that when the "greener grass" starts to turn brown, they are left with a hollow spot in their soul. This side of heaven, you may never see the consequences of your ex-wife's choices. The key to surviving is to let go of that type of thinking and realize this is between God and her—it has nothing to do with you. God is your defender, and He is enough.
Try to focus on your own healing and not on how much fun your ex is having. I know that's much easier to say than to do, but you can do it. God hates divorce and knows your sorrow and your loss. Ask Him to heal your wounded heart. Jesus was rejected by those closest to Him—family, friends, and disciples turned on Him. He understands your pain and weeps with you.
I left my wife and children many years ago. I've become a Christian and would like to ask for my family's forgiveness, but I'm afraid. Is it too late?
It's never too late. I can't guarantee how your family will respond; it may take time for them to process the apology. The first phone call is the hardest. Pray before you contact them, and ask God to prepare and soften their hearts.
Express the depth of your remorse and assume responsibility for the long-term ramifications that your poor choices caused them. Explain that you don't expect them to forgive you instantly, but ask if they would be willing to consider it. Back off if the initial response is icy.
Your willingness to let them determine the pace of the relationship is vital. Any attempt by you to force, manipulate, or guilt them into embracing you is a clear indicator that you can't be trusted. If they need more time to digest the idea, then communicate with them in small increments. This could include sending letters that express your changed heart. When you are together, encourage them to share why they are angry, hurt, or fearful of trusting you. This won't be easy to hear, but it's necessary. With prayer and time, healing the relationship may be possible.
I haven't gone to church since I was a small child. Since my divorce, I'm so empty inside. I want to know more about God, but I'm afraid to go to church because of all the bad things I've done. What can I do?
This is a perfect time for you to take the first step toward Christian community. Going to church for the first time might be intimidating. But in reality, imperfect people fill the church pews, and many of those people are also hurting. They aren't perfect, but they are learning and seeking forgiveness.
Although divorce is never God's will, He often uses it and other misfortunes to draw us into His loving arms. It's when we come to the end of ourselves that we seek the truth. If we haven't previously anchored ourselves to the One who never changes, this can feel very frightening. Fortunately, God is still on His throne and is passionately in love with you. He has provided Jesus as the way for you to be forgiven all those "bad things" you mentioned and be fully restored to Him. Listen to God's promise. "'You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you,' declares the LORD, 'and will bring you back from captivity'" (Jer. 29:13–14). You don't ever need to walk through life alone again. Jesus is the bridge between God and man. Because of His great love for you, He paid the price for all of your sins when He humbly died on the cross. God knew you could never be good enough to earn your way into heaven. Jesus is the only way to be reconciled to God. Now the choice is up to you to accept Him and what He has done for you. The Holy Spirit will help you to understand if you are truly seeking truth.
The night I accepted Christ, I wasn't really sure what the whole thing was about. But I prayed, "God, I don't fully understand what accepting Jesus as my Savior means, but I want to know truth. If Jesus is the truth, I'm willing to believe and give my life to You. I open my life to You." And God saw my heart. I wanted to believe. Understand, my friend, that even the ability to believe in God comes from Him.
If you would like to ask Jesus Christ to be your Savior and Lord, humble yourself and pray this prayer to God.
"Lord, I want to give my life to You. I'm a sinner, and I believe Jesus died on the cross to forgive my sins. I want to know Jesus Christ as my Savior and Lord of my life. Please come into my heart. Thank You for helping me to believe and understand this truth. Amen."
Never forget that all God seeks from His people is a sincere, repentant heart. He will teach you the rest. You will need to find a good church to help you grow. The DivorceCare Web site listed in the back of this book is a great way to find active churches in your area.
I was a very strong Christian when my marriage ended. But now I'm so mad at God for letting this happen to me that I can't even open my Bible. How can I get my faith back?
One of God's most astounding characteristics is that even the ability to have faith in Him comes from Him. Faith comes by hearing the Word of God (truth) and asking God to open our heart to that truth. (See Rom. 10:17.) We can't—and were never created to—do it "on our own."
Get alone with God and tell Him your thoughts. Be unreservedly honest. Scream, cry, yell, let it all out. God is big enough to handle your anger. Your rage won't shock Him—you're talking with the One who knows how many hairs you have on your head. He identifies with your agony and comprehends your pain.
Then give all of that betrayal, fear, fury, and sorrow over to God. Ask Him to transform your mind from one of anger toward Him to one that sees His compassion clearly. God weeps over your anguish because you are precious to Him. He wants you to be healed even more than you do.
My husband and I have decided to divorce because we aren't happy anymore. Some of my friends are saying this isn't a biblical reason to divorce. I find this hard to believe. Why wouldn't God want me to be happy?
Before I answer your question, I must first shed light on the word happy. Happiness is based on circumstances, and because theses continually change, it's impossible to be perpetually happy. When I'm buying a new pair of gorgeous shoes, I'm happy, but when I head out to my car and discover a new dent, my happiness quickly dissolves.
Joy, on the other hand, is a soul-deep, consoling peace and contentment. In our culture, we often pursue and even worship happiness, but what we're actually seeking is joy. Being happy is not wrong, but because happiness is temporary, it fails to satisfy.
You won't find anything in Scripture stating you can divorce because you are no longer happy with your spouse. Marriage is a lifelong covenant between two people and their Creator. Divorce might bring you temporary relief, but it won't bring the peace and joy you're seeking. It won't bring peace, because the marriage isn't the real problem. It feels like it is, because right now you dread the thought of staying married to your husband, but it isn't.
If you don't have peace and an abiding joy, it may be because you haven't fully been able to affirm the following:
God will never leave me. (See John 14:18.)
God has a wonderful future for me. (See Jer. 29:11–12.)
God'sways are higher andwiser thanmy own. (See Isa. 55:8–9.)
God cares about me. (See 1 Peter 5:7.)
I'm precious to God and He loves me. (See Isa. 43:4.)
Your heavenly Father cares for you, and He has solutions for your unhappiness that reach far beyond your own reasoning. The power to live in obedience to God flows from having faith in His promises. God's assurance and pledge that He loves you will give you the desire to seek His ways above your own.
Pastors and churches have differing views on what constitutes biblical grounds for divorce. Unfortunately, many unhappy couples are told they have to "suck it up and hang in there." Based on Jesus' love, I don't believe God is a taskmaster shackling you to a marriage you hate. But I do believe He wants to make your marriage a living, thriving, and vibrant gift—even if you don't think that's possible. God desires to rekindle your heart with love for your spouse.
Even a marriage that appears dead can receive new life. God is famous for creating life out of nothing. Take a look at Adam. "The LORD God formed man from the dust of the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, and the man became a living being" (Gen. 2:7). He will do the same for your marriage. The question is, will you surrender and let Him? Will you trust that His love and His ways are better than your own?
If you are ready, pray this prayer.
"Dear God, I don't really want to restore my marriage. It feels cold, dead, and buried. I want it over. I'm tired of trying. I don't even like my spouse anymore, much less love him.
"God, I admit this is the first time I have considered that divorce might not be the best decision. The truth is, I'm afraid to trust You. I'm scared I'll get stuck living this way forever. Help me to believe you have my best interest at heart. Please transform my marriage. Please replace my heart of stone with a heart of flesh.6 Show me how to be willing to have You change my heart.
"My knees are wobbly; I need faith and courage to seek reconciliation. I know I can't do this without You. I also know I can't change my husband's heart; You'll need to do that. My job is to ask You to change me, only me. Show me how to surrender my marriage and my whole life to You. Amen."
I'm not saying you'll fall back in love overnight. At times you'll feel like giving up. But God can restore your marriage—if you ask.
For three years, my entire prayer group prayed that my husband would come back to me. Recently he married another woman. With so many people praying, I can't understand why he didn't come back. Now I don't know if I should believe in prayer or God at all.
I believe God answers every prayer. I don't believe God answers every prayer in the way we request, however. Since God hates divorce, we can be certain that His desire would have been for your marriage to be reconciled. However, God has given us free will. If your spouse chooses to go against God's desires, God will let him. Are there consequences to those choices? Absolutely. But they are no longer your concern. Your ex-husband is married to another and is no longer available.
Now you need to refocus and adjust to the single life.Does your faith thrive only if God answers prayer the way you desire?Will you serve the Creator when He allows bad things to happen? This is our greatest challenge as Christians. The book of Job reveals one man's conclusion. "Though he slay me, yet will I hope in him" (Job 13:15). In other words, my circumstances don't change the way I view God's authority or faithfulness. He is worthy of my praise, even when darkness surrounds me. And because my Redeemer lives, He will provide a way out.
I keep searching for God in this dark valley called divorce, but I can't find Him. At the very time I need Him the most, He has abandoned me. Where did He go?
Be assured, beloved one, He hasn't left you. But sometimes when our grief becomes intense, it feels like He has. In times like this, we must trust what we knew in the light to still be true in the darkness. God is on His throne even when I'm in the pit. God continues to be omnipotent when I'm clueless. He is the same God who parted the Red Sea for Moses, and He is for me, not against me. (See Jer. 29:11–12.)
I don't believe God expects grief-stricken people to run around shouting, "Praise the Lord." Faking it through the pain just isn't His style. I base this belief on the psalms, in which we repeatedly see David groaning and crying out to God.
Surround yourself with people who understand this valley and yet have a strong relationship with God.Their presence and prayers for your life can carry you until you are stronger emotionally and spiritually.
I tolerated tremendous abuse from my ex-husband because I figured if I stayed with the marriage, eventually we would have a terrific testimony of God's restoration that would minister to others. Why didn't it work out?
Your motive was right, but your method was wrong. Tolerating abuse isn't love. It's actually the opposite of love to allow an abuser to continue destructive behavior.
When we love someone, we set healthy boundaries that allow the person to be responsible for his or her actions. By letting your husband continue to abuse you without consequences, you were helping to destroy the relationship. A strong marriage is built on trust, accountability, and unselfishness—not on enabling, manipulation, and control.
My ex-husband serves in a church-leadership role. During our separation, the pastor tried to make me feel welcome to stay, but it was obvious that my husband had "won custody" of the church in the proceedings. I'm not sure what I should do or if I even want to join another church.
It's a major mistake to isolate yourself while going through a divorce. A healthy Christian community that will assist you in the faith journey is crucial to the healing process.
Churches are like people: They each have a personality, strengths, and weaknesses. Searching for a new church can be time-consuming, but here are a few guidelines. Ask friends or co-workers for suggestions and review the worship and teaching style of each church. Check the Web sites of local churches and view the programs they offer.
When you have found a church that looks appealing, closely scrutinize its statement of faith for its core beliefs. Review any questions or issues you don't understand with a church leader.
Although doctrines differ from church to church, you want to be certain that there are no "gray areas" on critical issues such as Christ's deity, the Trinity, the virgin birth, salvation by faith, and the Bible being the true and inerrant Word of God.
I'm having a hard time going to church or looking at my Bible because of memories of my failed marriage. I had written in the margins of my Bible comments about my ex-spouse and our marriage. And the worship songs remind me of when we sang them together. What am I going to do?
This is why attending a support group is vital. I know a group of women who, during their divorces, set a time and place to meet every Sunday so they could sit together at church. This group has become their new family. Instead of dreading church, they grew to love spending time together in worship and fellowship. Buy the latest worship CDs and learn new songs. Use a new Bible that doesn't have your marriage notes in it. Don't turn to verses that remind you of your former husband. Instead, choose a book you haven't studied before. Ask God to rejuvenate the reading of His Word so that your soul is saturated with his love letters. Let this become a fresh breath from the Prince of Peace to you, His beloved bride.
I now realize I placed my husband before God in my life. I worshipped him instead of giving my heart to God. How could I have been so foolish?
If I had a dollar for every person who has said that to me, I'd be a wealthy woman. It's easy to idolize people, places, or things because they are more tangible than an almighty God who isn't visible. Our hearts are easily enticed by false idols. Discipline in God's Word and time in prayer are the tools necessary to alert us of the temptation to put people and things into a place they were never designed to be.
Loving and honoring our spouse is enjoyable, wonderful, and God-ordained. But when that love turns into worship or possessiveness, the relationship is in danger.
Our Creator knows that good things such as our spouse, our family, a job, food, or sex can easily become idols. Because God passionately loves His people, He cautions us to be alert to anything that may take His place and become a false god.We should never forget the high price Jesus paid for us. He alone deserves our devotion. You're wise to have recognized the error of allowing your ex-spouse to become a god in your life. Now that you know this is an area of weakness for you, you can guard against it happening again should you decide to remarry.
Heavenly Father,
I never thought the day would come where I would feel so far
away from You. And yet at the same time, I've never needed You
as much as I do now. God, I need to know You are hearing my
prayers. I need to know You haven't left me. I cry out to You as
David did so often in Psalms. Please come and rescue me from this
pain. I'm more desperate for You than I have ever been.
Holy Spirit, I seek You. Please take my prayers to the throne of
God. I'm so weak and weary that I don't even know how to pray.
Lord, Your Word says that I can lay all my anxiety down because
You care for me and won't leave me. Help me, God, because I feel
so alone. The very person I thought would stay by my side until
death is gone. But You tell me not to fear, for You are with me. You
declare that You are my God, You will strengthen me, You will help
me, You alone will lift me up out of this pit of despair. Don't let
this situation draw me away from You and into sinful choices.
God, please give me Your knowledge in every decision I must
make during this divorce. Your Word tells me that if I ask, You
will generously give wisdom. I need the mind of Christ. Please
reveal the ways I can demonstrate Your love to my spouse. If there
is any hope for restoring my marriage to the gift You created it to
be, show me my role. Help me to forgive everyone involved,
including myself. You are my strength. I will not be afraid. Amen.
(Portions of this prayer are taken from Romans 8:26; 1 Peter 5:7; John 14:18; Isaiah 41:10; James 1:5; and Psalm 27:1.)
i don't like myself
Recently I turned to a friend who was riding in my car and asked her, "What do you like about yourself?" We rode in silence for several minutes. Finally, she turned to me and said, apologetically, "I can't think of anything."
I was stunned. My friend is intelligent, charming, and compassionate—yet she couldn't see any of that.
I know she's not alone. Low self-esteem has become the number-one issue plaguing Christian women. Despite God's assurance that he's absolutely crazy about us, most of us can't believe he means us. It's like the cynical editor who tells the cub reporter, "If your mother says she loves you, check it out."
Comparison traps.
I'm technophobic. My brother got all the genes required to understand operating manuals, to repair things, or (gasp!) to make sense of computers. When I first had to learn how to use a computer for my job, I was convinced it was the end of life as I knew it.
I remember with painful clarity a beginner's computer class where the instructor told us to "press any key." I searched in vain for the "any" key. By the end of the class, I was certain I wasn't smart enough to drive myself home, much less dress for work the next day. This was despite the fact that I managed a home, a family, a job, and a professional staff.
Why was it so humiliating? Because I compared myself to the 10-year-old girl next door who effortlessly surfed the Net to research her term papers while I struggled just to log on. Instead of simply concluding that technical prowess is not one of my strengths, I concluded I must be stupid. It was a lie.
The art of the put-down.
People respect us as much as we respect ourselves. That's why the absence of self-confidence can telegraph to others not to believe in us.
For years I struggled to receive a compliment graciously. If someone complimented my hair, I'd discount it. I'd say my hairstyle made my face look fat or that my hair was a mousy color. What I really meant was, There must be some mistake. I'm not worth your regard. I don't like myself and can't really believe you do, either. The trouble is, if we persist in putting ourselves down, eventually people start to believe we're right.
Self-doubt.
Sometimes the problem isn't faulty data. We have an accurate picture of ourselves or a situation, but we capitulate the first time someone challenges us.
Several years ago, I discovered a grape-sized lump on my left breast. My doctor scheduled outpatient surgery right away. A month later, when I resumed periodic self-examination, I felt the same lump in the same hard-to-reach place. I was certain of it! When I called the doctor to suggest he might have missed the lump in question, he insisted I was wrong. It could not possibly be a lump, he said, because he had removed it. After all, he was the doctor.
I got off the phone, doubting what I'd felt with my own hand. But fear of lethal consequences gave me the courage to insist he re-examine me, at which point he reluctantly acknowledged that, yes, it did seem to be the original lump. He removed it in a second surgery.
Reclaim the Truth
It's time to go on the offensive and regain the confidence God wants for you. Here are a few ways to get started:
Name the lies—and give them to God.
Make a list of the falsehoods others have said about you (and what you've believed about yourself). Be specific. Then, agree with God that it's not how he sees you. Tell him, "God, I know you made me—and you don't make junk. These lies have got to go. I want to see myself the way you see me. Please begin the process of changing my mind."
Eugene Petersen, in The Message paraphrase of Romans 12:2, urges us to reject the flawed thinking of our culture and those around us: "Don't become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You'll be changed from the inside out."
Grieve the loss of what you'll never have and never be.
I once knew a woman who believed the lie that she was a victim. She wasn't in an abusive situation; she wasn't poor or ill or alone. But she felt as though the world always let her down. Eventually, she confessed to God the truth—playing the victim was easier for her than dealing with her own emotional "junk." But that was only the first step. Next she had to grieve the loss of a "crutch" she couldn't use anymore. She had to find a whole new way to live.
In my case, I had to confess the lie that I was stupid because I didn't understand technical things. Yet, even after acknowledging that I'm actually a pretty intelligent person, I still had to grieve the fact that no amount of classes or training would ever completely solve my technical ineptitude!
Another lie I believed about myself was that I'd been selfish for having only one child. The truth is, I nearly died giving birth to my daughter, and my husband didn't want to adopt. Still, I spent years feeling like an inferior mother—like I should have trusted God to protect me in subsequent childbirths.
I now believe that—in my case—one child was God's will for me. I've rejected the condemnation. Nevertheless, I had to grieve that I'd never have the houseful of children I'd always wanted.
Replace the lies with the truth.
God's Word is full of information about your identity and position as a believer in Jesus Christ. Let the wonder of God's perspective on you soak in. Do you fully realize what it means to be …
Fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14)
Precious to God (Isaiah 43:4)
Cared about since your conception (Isaiah 46:3)
God's child (John 1:12)
Jesus' friend (John 15:15)
Chosen by Jesus (John 15:16)
Loved dearly by God (John 16:27)
Free from condemnation (Romans 8:1)
A temple—a dwelling place—of God's Spirit (1 Corinthians 3:16)
Redeemed and forgiven of all your sins (Colossians 1:14)
Maybe you'd prefer God say he's crazy about dishwater blondes who are 20 pounds overweight. Then you'd know he meant you. But God didn't get that specific in describing Eve! All he tells us about her in Gen. 1:27, 31 is that she was made in his image and it was very good!
He feels the same way about you.
REALITY CHECKS
Pinpoint the ways you may be sabotaging yourself by answering the following questions:
What judgments do I make about myself that are, in fact, untrue? What's something wonderful about me that I've undervalued?
How do I typically respond when someone brags about me? Is it hard for me to receive a compliment—and why?
Do I fail to stick up for myself when someone challenges what I know to be true?
I was stunned. My friend is intelligent, charming, and compassionate—yet she couldn't see any of that.
I know she's not alone. Low self-esteem has become the number-one issue plaguing Christian women. Despite God's assurance that he's absolutely crazy about us, most of us can't believe he means us. It's like the cynical editor who tells the cub reporter, "If your mother says she loves you, check it out."
Comparison traps.
I'm technophobic. My brother got all the genes required to understand operating manuals, to repair things, or (gasp!) to make sense of computers. When I first had to learn how to use a computer for my job, I was convinced it was the end of life as I knew it.
I remember with painful clarity a beginner's computer class where the instructor told us to "press any key." I searched in vain for the "any" key. By the end of the class, I was certain I wasn't smart enough to drive myself home, much less dress for work the next day. This was despite the fact that I managed a home, a family, a job, and a professional staff.
Why was it so humiliating? Because I compared myself to the 10-year-old girl next door who effortlessly surfed the Net to research her term papers while I struggled just to log on. Instead of simply concluding that technical prowess is not one of my strengths, I concluded I must be stupid. It was a lie.
The art of the put-down.
People respect us as much as we respect ourselves. That's why the absence of self-confidence can telegraph to others not to believe in us.
For years I struggled to receive a compliment graciously. If someone complimented my hair, I'd discount it. I'd say my hairstyle made my face look fat or that my hair was a mousy color. What I really meant was, There must be some mistake. I'm not worth your regard. I don't like myself and can't really believe you do, either. The trouble is, if we persist in putting ourselves down, eventually people start to believe we're right.
Self-doubt.
Sometimes the problem isn't faulty data. We have an accurate picture of ourselves or a situation, but we capitulate the first time someone challenges us.
Several years ago, I discovered a grape-sized lump on my left breast. My doctor scheduled outpatient surgery right away. A month later, when I resumed periodic self-examination, I felt the same lump in the same hard-to-reach place. I was certain of it! When I called the doctor to suggest he might have missed the lump in question, he insisted I was wrong. It could not possibly be a lump, he said, because he had removed it. After all, he was the doctor.
I got off the phone, doubting what I'd felt with my own hand. But fear of lethal consequences gave me the courage to insist he re-examine me, at which point he reluctantly acknowledged that, yes, it did seem to be the original lump. He removed it in a second surgery.
Reclaim the Truth
It's time to go on the offensive and regain the confidence God wants for you. Here are a few ways to get started:
Name the lies—and give them to God.
Make a list of the falsehoods others have said about you (and what you've believed about yourself). Be specific. Then, agree with God that it's not how he sees you. Tell him, "God, I know you made me—and you don't make junk. These lies have got to go. I want to see myself the way you see me. Please begin the process of changing my mind."
Eugene Petersen, in The Message paraphrase of Romans 12:2, urges us to reject the flawed thinking of our culture and those around us: "Don't become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You'll be changed from the inside out."
Grieve the loss of what you'll never have and never be.
I once knew a woman who believed the lie that she was a victim. She wasn't in an abusive situation; she wasn't poor or ill or alone. But she felt as though the world always let her down. Eventually, she confessed to God the truth—playing the victim was easier for her than dealing with her own emotional "junk." But that was only the first step. Next she had to grieve the loss of a "crutch" she couldn't use anymore. She had to find a whole new way to live.
In my case, I had to confess the lie that I was stupid because I didn't understand technical things. Yet, even after acknowledging that I'm actually a pretty intelligent person, I still had to grieve the fact that no amount of classes or training would ever completely solve my technical ineptitude!
Another lie I believed about myself was that I'd been selfish for having only one child. The truth is, I nearly died giving birth to my daughter, and my husband didn't want to adopt. Still, I spent years feeling like an inferior mother—like I should have trusted God to protect me in subsequent childbirths.
I now believe that—in my case—one child was God's will for me. I've rejected the condemnation. Nevertheless, I had to grieve that I'd never have the houseful of children I'd always wanted.
Replace the lies with the truth.
God's Word is full of information about your identity and position as a believer in Jesus Christ. Let the wonder of God's perspective on you soak in. Do you fully realize what it means to be …
Fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14)
Precious to God (Isaiah 43:4)
Cared about since your conception (Isaiah 46:3)
God's child (John 1:12)
Jesus' friend (John 15:15)
Chosen by Jesus (John 15:16)
Loved dearly by God (John 16:27)
Free from condemnation (Romans 8:1)
A temple—a dwelling place—of God's Spirit (1 Corinthians 3:16)
Redeemed and forgiven of all your sins (Colossians 1:14)
Maybe you'd prefer God say he's crazy about dishwater blondes who are 20 pounds overweight. Then you'd know he meant you. But God didn't get that specific in describing Eve! All he tells us about her in Gen. 1:27, 31 is that she was made in his image and it was very good!
He feels the same way about you.
REALITY CHECKS
Pinpoint the ways you may be sabotaging yourself by answering the following questions:
What judgments do I make about myself that are, in fact, untrue? What's something wonderful about me that I've undervalued?
How do I typically respond when someone brags about me? Is it hard for me to receive a compliment—and why?
Do I fail to stick up for myself when someone challenges what I know to be true?
submit to abusing husband
When We Can't Agree to Disagree
by Keri Wyatt Kent
August 7, 2009 |
The idea that men and women are created differently, in ways that complement each other, sounds okay. But often, this “equal but different” thinking results in a hierarchy that can lead to distortions of truth, or even emotional and physical abuse.
For years, I thought that as with many theological side issues, sincere Christians can agree to disagree when it comes to gender roles. Some churches let women lead and teach the whole congregation, others interpret the Bible to say that women can only lead and teach other women, and in some cases, there are limits beyond even that. (I’ve heard of one church that doesn’t allow a woman to be the head of women’s ministries.)
I disagreed with this view, known as Complementarianism, but I figured, well, if that’s how they roll, then okay. But now, I’m starting to change my mind: often, it is not okay. Because if you take Complementarianism to the extreme, it becomes destructive.
Last week I received an e-mail linking to a news story that alleges that Saddleback Church in California counseled a woman to stay in an abusive marriage and also scolded her for “gossiping” about her marriage when she tried to ask for help (this story was all over Twitter and Facebook this week too). Saddleback (led by Purpose-Driven pastor Rick Warren) teaches Complementarianism—the wife must submit to her husband and that divorce in this instance is not an option.
For the record, Saddleback pastor Tom Holladay told GFL he could not reveal specifics of confidential pastoral counseling, but that Saddleback always counsel a woman (or man) in an abusive situation to leave and find a place of safety. They would, however, urge couples to get counseling and try to reconcile.
In the family, Complementarianism plays out like this: the man is the head of the household, and the ultimate authority. They cite Ephesians 5:22, which says that a wife must submit to her husband, and the husband should love his wife. The woman must submit to that authority, which comes with the man’s protection and provision. There are plenty of women who obviously want protection and provision.
They conclude that the husband is the head of the family. I cannot find a verse in scripture that says a man is supposed to be the head of the family. What the Bible says is that the relationship between a man and his wife is like a head and a body.
Egalitarians (the opposite of Complementarian) like myself see the head and body analogy is an illustration of the unity, or oneness that God intended in creation. A husband and wife need to be a team, like a head and a body. A body needs the head, the head needs the body. We cite the same biblical passage, but we look at the wider context, starting with verse 21: “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ” (emphasis mine). While someone (likely not a female translator) put a subhead right after verse 21, in the original text there were no subheads. So the next verses explain mutual submission—wives, submit to your husbands, and husbands, love your wives. Paul is talking about unity and oneness. He concludes his teaching with a reminder of the oneness theme, and mutual nature of submission: “each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband” (Eph. 5:33).
In churches that embrace Complementarianism, women rarely have the right to exercise their leadership gifts fully. When a church says that the man has more authority, can use his gifts more freely, it communicates a value (intended or not) that men are of greater value. And so if a woman (who has less value) complains of abuse, it is easy in that system to discount what she says, or blame her. So in addition to being abused by her husband, the woman is also abused by her church.
Think that doesn’t happen? In 2008, Southern Baptist Theological Seminary professor Bruce Ware said that when women, “as sinners” try to usurp their husband’s authority and “do what they would like to do,” their husbands can “respond to that threat to their authority” by being abusive (http://equalitycentral.com/blog/?p=14). Ware blames the unsubmissive wife for the abuse. Abusers typically blame their victims—and many victims know that they cannot stop abuse by changing their behavior.
If marriage is understood as a hierarchy, then the person at the top of that structure can easily conclude that he has permission to do what is necessary to maintain power. We cannot simply say, “Well-intentioned Christians can agree to disagree” if those Christians argue that abuse is the husband’s prerogative, or worse, the wife’s fault. It is where we must stand up for true Christianity, which does not condone violence in any form, and which teaches mutual submission, not hierarchy.
Keri Wyatt Kent is the author of seven books, a freelance writer and speaker. She and her husband Scot have been married for 18 years and have two children.
Posted by Caryn Rivadeneira on August 7, 2009
Comments
My prayer is that eventually the entire Body of Christ will understand the TRUTH about submission! I am currently separated from my abusive (minister) husband who uses the passage in Ephesians and other Scriptures to dominate, intimidate, control and guilt me into submission to him (which is called spiritual abuse). I went to our head pastor and the woman who leads womens ministries - both viewed me as the problem and proceeded to tell me what my faults supposedly were (I was in un-forgiveness, had a hard heart and was walking in anger)! I was truly shocked! I have had to pull away from my church at this point and am in deep prayer with several of my friends who know and love both my husband and I. This wrong attitude and interpretation of the Scripture MUST be eradicated from the Body of Christ! I don't believe there is any room to "agree to disagree" on this particular subject! So many love to quote the verse that says, "God hates divorce" but how many have actually found that particular Scripture and read it in context? Read Malachi 2:16 (AMP) - "For the Lord, the God of Israel, says: I hate divorce and marital separation AND HIM WHO COVERS HIS GARMENT (HIS WIFE) with violence. Therefore keep a watch upon your spirit[that it may be controlled by My Spirit], that you deal not treacherously and faithlessly [with your marriage mate]." The context of that verse involves God's judgment! Husbands and wives are to submit to one another in ultimate submission to Christ! HE is the one who should be leading the marriage - LOVE and TRUTH need to guide the home, not force. Ultimately, as Christians, we must obey God and not man and if you are in an abusive marriage, the good news is: God has called you to peace and He loves you because you are His precious daughter! Sometimes separation is the catalyst for change - sometimes not. Sometimes divorce is the only way to freedom because the man chooses to harden his heart to the Holy Spirit. Abuse is NEVER okay with God!
Posted by: michele on August 8, 2009
Keri,
I agree with you completely. Complementarianism, which would be more appropriately called, "Gender-Based Hierarchy in the Body of Christ" is not an acceptable "alternative" view for followers of Christ. You state, "If marriage is understood as a hierarchy, then the person at the top of that structure can easily conclude that he has permission to do what is necessary to maintain power." POWER is the key word in understanding the complementarian position.
Everything this position teaches is centered on maintaining men's power over women: physical, emotional, spiritual, and, if possible social power. The fact that society in the west has legally eliminated that social power means that the complementarian position works even harder to hold on to the other realms of power.
Yet it is hard to find any teaching in Scripture that validates, let alone commands, one believer to exercise power over another. Quite the contrary: Jesus instructed his followers NOT to be like the Gentile rulers who "lord it over" others (Mat. 20:25).
Complementarians are quick to argue (nowadays, at least) that men who abuse their wives are misusing their power. But the power itself is never called into question. In fact the male power view comes from a culture of patriarchy, a system God neither set up, commanded nor prescribed for God's children.
There are many more reasons in addition to abuse why the hierarchical view is unacceptable for followers of Jesus. It puts a male human mediator between a woman and God. It teaches women that God will somehow hold them less responsible for their actions than men. It values women less than men (despite all the "equal but separate" rhetoric. We know how well that worked!) Most importantly, it teaches that above all else, women's lives as believers are predetermined because they are women. Every other factor from calling to gifting to experience to training is of secondary importance next to her permanently unchangeable gender. Sociologists call this determinism, and it has been used historically to maintain slavery and a host of other social ills.
You are right, Keri, gender-based hierarchy is destructive, and not only to women but to the men who promote and practice it.
Posted by: lmb on August 8, 2009
Agree!
My husband has always seen him and I as equal in our marriage - thank God! For a time, I struggled with that thought, because all I knew was the traditional way of viewing men as the head. Over the past few year, I've come to know about (and feel) the love of our creator in a new way. All humans are made in his image - so why would they not be equal and/or why would one type of humans be 'under' the other?
At times, I had a hard time explaining myself to others,so thanks for these thoughts to help me more clearly voice my viewpoints when asked.
Posted by: Janet on August 8, 2009
Keri,
Thank you for your thoughts on this matter. I respect your input as a faithful servant of God.
I would have an initial question about some of what you stated. You said:
"Egalitarians like myself see the head and body analogy is an illustration of the unity, or oneness that God intended in creation. A husband and wife need to be a team, like a head and a body. A body needs the head, the head needs the body... Paul is talking about unity and oneness. He concludes his teaching with a reminder of the oneness theme, and mutual nature of submission: “each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband” (Eph. 5:33)."
I shortened all of your quote to help fit this comment, but it can be read above.
The text you site says this: " 22Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. 23For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything."
If head and body emphasize oneness/sameness/unity as you state, then Christ would be the same in authority as the church. The comparison is husband to wife as Christ to church. Head to body, husband to wife, Christ to church. I don't think that you would be suggesting that Christ and the church are equal in authority as would be the logical conclusion. Could you please offer me your thoughts on how this all fits together.
Obviously, it is hard to discuss all sides of these verses in a blog, but you have attempted to show a view based on some thoughts and I am curious how you and others would carry that argument based on those verses.
Thank you for your faithfulness to God, His Word, and your family. Gracefully, KG.
Posted by: KG on August 8, 2009
Dear Keri,
Whenever I hear stories of abusive relationship like the one you mentioned, my heart trembles and I can’t help but praying for our Lord to come again soon, so such evil against our fellow sisters can be ended forever! I too feel angry, and want justice done. Nevertheless, in my attempts to voice on this important subject in various occasions, I gradually noticed a couple of things that could potentially weaken our well intentioned messages:
1) Labeling and “fighting” against anyone labeled as the opposite. In fact, from my study on the subject “women in ministry” so far, I found that the term “complementarianism” has a very broad definition and people don’t necessarily mean the same thing when they call themselves by this label. For example, I think you will be delightfully surprised if you read Dr. C. L. Blomberg ‘s essay on “Women in Ministry” collected in the book Two Views on Women in Ministry (2nd ed., 2005), in which he provides a careful survey of OT and NT scriptures in support of women in ministries, including preaching. Yet he calls himself a “complementarianist”. Should we dismiss him or his writing just because of this label, we would be missing treasures that could better equip us to dialogue more effectively with those who misinterpret the Bible and devalue women in marriage and/or ministry.
2) Let our emotions get too much in the way for us to truthfully seeking to understand the Scripture. It indeed is almost impossible not to get emotional as so much is at stake when someone denies our identity and purpose as God so created and intended. Yet when we let our emotions get out of hand, we could potentially take scripture out of context to support our own opinion. For example, I would agree with KG that your interpretation of Eph 5 is indeed questionable. Just as some of the Christian men we are criticizing here, when we use the Scripture in partiality for our own agenda instead of the will of God, we become just like them and will potentially lose credibility in front of God and our fellow Christians.
With that in mind, perhaps what we need to question is not the “headship” of husband to wife but the nature of it. If we read on to Eph 5:25-30, I would say the real meaning of “headship” becomes pretty clear--“Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her…In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body.” Do you strive to be a good Christian husband? Then don’t worry about maintaining this humanly conceived notion of “authority”; rather, cherish and nourish your wife and love to the point to give yourself up for her. And you will be amazed as to how willingly your wife will submit to your leadership! Same thing for us wives, as long as it is not about anything against God’s will (being abusive is definitely against God’s will, when we are to love even our neighbor as ourselves, let alone husband or wife!), let’s make effort in the Spirit-given strength to submit our individualistic will and preference to our husbands’ and bring peace to the family!
Posted by: Helen on August 9, 2009
Helen,
I'm not following your final points of your post. You clearly understand that the husband is called to give himself up for his wife, yet you then turn around and say that women are "to submit our individualistic will and preference to our husband's and bring peace to the family."
So what about a man's individualistic will? And where did the man's "giving himself up" go? In your last sentence, you set the man in a position of power to which a woman must give in, whereas the verses you quoted teach that a man is to be in a position of servanthood to his wife, in which he "gives himself up" for what is best for her.
A peaceful family does not consist of a wife submitting her individualistic preferences to a husband's whims. A peaceful family consists of two responsible, mature adults, neither of them acting out of their individualistic wills, but both of them acting out of what is best for everyone in the family. And generally what is best for the family is for every family member to have the freedom to wholly submit to the call that God has placed on his, or on her, life.
Posted by: Sue on August 10, 2009
Thank you for writing this, Keri! I'm glad that more and more people are no longer dismissing this issue as a matter of taste. I agree that gender equality, rather than hierarchy, is a biblical teaching.
Posted by: hollie on August 10, 2009
KG, you asked Keri how her understanding of unity could be right since you think it would mean that Christ and the church are equal in authority, which is clearly not true. I think there are a couple of things that help explain why this is not a problem.
1. The head-body example is an illustration or a metaphor. Language uses these all the time to show how things are similar. One of the first rules for understanding a metaphor is that it does not apply exactly in all of its aspects. You have to look at the context to see which part of the metaphor the author is using to make his point.
Verse 23 says, “For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior.” Then verses 25-27 define what Christ did for the church: loved her, gave himself up for her, made her holy, washed her, made her radiant and without blemish.
Paul is clear: he is talking about loving and caring. The word “authority” is nowhere in the whole text. The only way to find it here is to assume beforehand that “head” stands for “boss, ruler or authority” and nothing else. But is that what it means?
In this verse, and in 1 Cor 11:3 and Col 1:18 the phrase “head of” is used to describe relationships: Christ is the head of the church, or the head of man, the husband is the head of his wife, God is the head of Christ. But Eph. 1:22 says, “And God placed all things under his [Christ’s] feet, and appointed him to be head OVER everything FOR the church, which is his body. . . .” See the difference? Here is a power or authority structure: Christ is head OVER all things FOR the church, not head over the church. It’s a different kind of relationship entirely.
2. In order to understand the idea of authority in marriage, we should look at the passage about marriage where Paul actually does use the word and explain the concept, in 1 Cor. 7. Alvera Mickelsen explains this very well in the July 30 issue of Arise published by CBE. You can subscribe here: http://www.cbeinternational.org/. Her article is excellent. I would quote it here but I’d be breaking copyright laws.
KG, I don’t know if Keri would have a different answer, but this is the reason why I think the answer to your question is no, there is no message here that the church and Christ are equal in authority: because the idea of authority isn’t even in the passage at all!
Posted by: lmb on August 11, 2009
Yes, Keri, I agree wholeheartedly, and so does my husband. The wife is to put the husband before herself. The husband is to put the wife before himself. In fact, Paul commands believers to consider others more important than themselves and Jesus clearly teaches that a "leader" is one who gives up everything to SERVE another. Funny how these principles seem to go out the window with some men the minute they are married.
Posted by: Robyn on August 11, 2009
Complementarianism occurs when people look at the Bible throught the sin-filled lenses of the world. I've always found that complementarianism goes up when people ignore the Holy Spirit.
By the way, the verses in Ephesians are about love, not authority.
Posted by: K. on August 11, 2009
My Deacon has a great take on why God made men the spiritual heads of the house, he says "well if God didn't make'em, they'd never do it" (O:
Posted by: Michael McCleary on August 11, 2009
Keri-
THANK YOU! I have just finished an abusive 36-yr marriage to an ordained ministry leader. Until this last year, all the counsel I received was as you described. When my husband added unfaithfulness to the mix, I finally understood the truth you describe. When, after 9 months of couples' counseling, he still believed I was the problem, the Lord said to me "The reign of terror is over"(Ps 10:18 The Message),and I took the hardest stand of my life and ended my marriage, with the Lord's sad blessing.
How can we reach into the hidden suffering of so many of our sisters, so that healing and grace can be poured into their lives, and into the lives of husbands willing to change?
Posted by: martha on August 11, 2009
It is interesting to me that we believe Jesus Christ is God, equal in essence to the Father, but yet He submitted to the Him. Does that submission communicate "a value that the Father is of greater value" than the Son?
Posted by: Mike on August 11, 2009
Dear Sue,
Thank you for the thoughtful response! And you are asking some real important questions for us to ponder further on the great challenge of being able to obey God’s will for husbands and wives according to the Scripture.
The truth and fact, as we all know, is that, although originally created in God’s image, we are all sinners, fall short of God’s glory, and have the strong tendency to be self-centered. Ideally, as you stated, when both my husband and I have individualistic will (desires), he would realized his problem and thus opt to satisfy mine in an effort to live up to his own godly standard for being a loving husband. Yet just like myself, he is still in the process of being sanctified and could fail (miserably) from time to time, not to mention that both of us could simply be misunderstanding the other (plus being judgmental) as finite beings. Therefore, if I insist that he live up to the biblical standard for a self-sacrificing husband, I could be hitting a stone wall at the very moment, and worse, he could cite his Bible just as well and insists on my perfect submission. Where do we go next? Often a dead end, in my personal experience, and someone has to turn around first, so that God’s grace could work us toward mutual confession and reconciliation.
My final point was just that--both husbands and wives should be reading the Bible for themselves, and we are not to hold our spouses against God’s will for them while underestimating and even letting go of our own mistakes and responsibilities. In other words, we are to submit to God’s will even when we have to suffer significant emotional distress to be the first to admit our own weakness and/or reexamine our own desire in light of God’s word.
The real amazing thing I found is that, whenever I was willing to eventually take up this challenge with Spirit-given strength (often after my argument with God in regards to the unfairness of the situation and what He wants from me), God has always been faithful to grant us grace, bringing my husband down to awareness and willingness to also fulfill his obligation for us to work toward a true reconciliation. I’m sure he has similar stories to share, in which I was the “stubborn-necked” one in the pair, and I am sure there will still be stories like down the road. But again, as long as we both (taking turn) strive to submit to God’s will with the Spirit-given strength, we regain the peace God promised to all who loves Him. Praise God!
Just like what you said, “A peaceful family consists of two responsible, mature adults, neither of them acting out of their individualistic wills, but both of them acting out of what is best for everyone in the family.” What a great way to put it, Sue, can’t agree with you more! And I’m sure God has called us into His Kingdom as teams of husband and wife for a wonderful purpose!
Posted by: Helen on August 11, 2009
I think that Complementarianism is simply the traditional Christian view of the divinely-mandated authority of the husband over the wife, with all that this implies, including the position taken by the Baptist theologian you mention. As a liberal Christian--if there can be such a thing--I don't believe I have to take Scripture with complete literalness. My wife and I have what we regard, but which an evangelical Christian who understands the Bible literally would not so regard, as a Christian marriage. Using this column's terminology, we would be Egalitarians.
However, I do not believe that Egalitarianism has any Scriptural basis; it is a secular moral view that many Christians would like to be able to find in Scripture. It is not there.
Posted by: Jim on August 11, 2009
Dear Keri,
I appreciate you voicing your concerns. I, too, despise abuse, and have several friends who have been in abusive relationships. However, I am concerned about your quote from Bruce Ware: you made him say exactly opposite what he was intending. In the link that contained the longer quote, Ware clearly calls abuse sinful. He lists it as an example of a husband's sinful response to a threat to his authority; when he says "can" he's not saying abuse is legitimate, but rather simply that it exists. I completely respect your difference of opinion with Ware on the roles of men and women in marriage, but please quote him accurately. I had him as a professor and know that he deplores abuse. Dr. Ware is one of the most humble, godly men I know. He loves his wife dearly and strives to help men treat their wives with honor and Christ-like love. Please don't slander his name by misrepresenting what he believes.
Posted by: ih on August 11, 2009
Great discussion. And I appreciated the comments defending my position--the verses about head and body are not about authority, but about love and care. Thank you, LMB.
And Jim, I'm glad you are an egalatarian in practice, but I must tell you, it does have a scriptural basis. just read through the comments on this post and you'll see it. You have to separate traditional interpretation from what the text actually says.
And IH, i did wonder about Dr. Ware's quote--what he meant by "can"--was he observing what does happen, or giving it his approval? i can see your point that he was not condoning it--however, in the text of that talk, I saw nothing where he said, 'abuse is wrong,' straight out. I wish he'd been more forthright. Not just because people like me might misinterpret his meaning, but because people who are prone to abuse might do so as well.
there are other Christian leaders who have said similar or worse things about domestic abuse, and plenty of churches who counsel women to "stay and pray" in abusive relationships. That's just wrong, no matter what you think the Bible says.
Posted by: Keri Wyatt Kent on August 11, 2009
I really do feel this is a very unbalanced perspective in terms of complimentarism and its effects on leadership within the church.
The "likely not a female translator" statement made about verse 21 made me feel very annoyed. The same verse in the Amplified Bible translation reads the same and that translation was in large part done by a woman (not to mention the countless eyes that have translated the original text the same way and verified to the best of their abilities that you would also need to rebut).
I think the part about complimentarism that gets people so irate is when they equate their experience with it (done in the wrong way) as a revelation from the Lord. Its as if when it doesn't work out, 'I must have it wrong' so if we can back it up with scripture then (Egalitarianism) it must be right (correct, prefered way etc).
For sure, you must be a team in a marriage and their must be leadership in a marriage but to say that 2 can be leaders in a marriage or in the case of a woman to lead in the same men appointed positions of church settings is counter-scriptural (12 disciples, Paul, David etc etc) I have heard the cultural arguement for why men were prefered to deliver the gospel but Jesus shook so many people's persepectives, why not female leadership when he had the chance (e.g. choose a female disciple/s)? There has to be a reason for the lack of compulsion to speak on this but just his silence on this begs the question: was there anything wrong with men chosen as leaders?
The complimentarism view can go too extreme like you've said (a man leading women's ministry is just crazy) but done properly, complimentarism and women in leadership can be done within the church environment AND be fulfilling, not oppressive to women. Unfortunately you seem to have found quite a lot of times when it was not done properly.... a trend that I find increasingly concerning.
by Keri Wyatt Kent
August 7, 2009 |
The idea that men and women are created differently, in ways that complement each other, sounds okay. But often, this “equal but different” thinking results in a hierarchy that can lead to distortions of truth, or even emotional and physical abuse.
For years, I thought that as with many theological side issues, sincere Christians can agree to disagree when it comes to gender roles. Some churches let women lead and teach the whole congregation, others interpret the Bible to say that women can only lead and teach other women, and in some cases, there are limits beyond even that. (I’ve heard of one church that doesn’t allow a woman to be the head of women’s ministries.)
I disagreed with this view, known as Complementarianism, but I figured, well, if that’s how they roll, then okay. But now, I’m starting to change my mind: often, it is not okay. Because if you take Complementarianism to the extreme, it becomes destructive.
Last week I received an e-mail linking to a news story that alleges that Saddleback Church in California counseled a woman to stay in an abusive marriage and also scolded her for “gossiping” about her marriage when she tried to ask for help (this story was all over Twitter and Facebook this week too). Saddleback (led by Purpose-Driven pastor Rick Warren) teaches Complementarianism—the wife must submit to her husband and that divorce in this instance is not an option.
For the record, Saddleback pastor Tom Holladay told GFL he could not reveal specifics of confidential pastoral counseling, but that Saddleback always counsel a woman (or man) in an abusive situation to leave and find a place of safety. They would, however, urge couples to get counseling and try to reconcile.
In the family, Complementarianism plays out like this: the man is the head of the household, and the ultimate authority. They cite Ephesians 5:22, which says that a wife must submit to her husband, and the husband should love his wife. The woman must submit to that authority, which comes with the man’s protection and provision. There are plenty of women who obviously want protection and provision.
They conclude that the husband is the head of the family. I cannot find a verse in scripture that says a man is supposed to be the head of the family. What the Bible says is that the relationship between a man and his wife is like a head and a body.
Egalitarians (the opposite of Complementarian) like myself see the head and body analogy is an illustration of the unity, or oneness that God intended in creation. A husband and wife need to be a team, like a head and a body. A body needs the head, the head needs the body. We cite the same biblical passage, but we look at the wider context, starting with verse 21: “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ” (emphasis mine). While someone (likely not a female translator) put a subhead right after verse 21, in the original text there were no subheads. So the next verses explain mutual submission—wives, submit to your husbands, and husbands, love your wives. Paul is talking about unity and oneness. He concludes his teaching with a reminder of the oneness theme, and mutual nature of submission: “each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband” (Eph. 5:33).
In churches that embrace Complementarianism, women rarely have the right to exercise their leadership gifts fully. When a church says that the man has more authority, can use his gifts more freely, it communicates a value (intended or not) that men are of greater value. And so if a woman (who has less value) complains of abuse, it is easy in that system to discount what she says, or blame her. So in addition to being abused by her husband, the woman is also abused by her church.
Think that doesn’t happen? In 2008, Southern Baptist Theological Seminary professor Bruce Ware said that when women, “as sinners” try to usurp their husband’s authority and “do what they would like to do,” their husbands can “respond to that threat to their authority” by being abusive (http://equalitycentral.com/blog/?p=14). Ware blames the unsubmissive wife for the abuse. Abusers typically blame their victims—and many victims know that they cannot stop abuse by changing their behavior.
If marriage is understood as a hierarchy, then the person at the top of that structure can easily conclude that he has permission to do what is necessary to maintain power. We cannot simply say, “Well-intentioned Christians can agree to disagree” if those Christians argue that abuse is the husband’s prerogative, or worse, the wife’s fault. It is where we must stand up for true Christianity, which does not condone violence in any form, and which teaches mutual submission, not hierarchy.
Keri Wyatt Kent is the author of seven books, a freelance writer and speaker. She and her husband Scot have been married for 18 years and have two children.
Posted by Caryn Rivadeneira on August 7, 2009
Comments
My prayer is that eventually the entire Body of Christ will understand the TRUTH about submission! I am currently separated from my abusive (minister) husband who uses the passage in Ephesians and other Scriptures to dominate, intimidate, control and guilt me into submission to him (which is called spiritual abuse). I went to our head pastor and the woman who leads womens ministries - both viewed me as the problem and proceeded to tell me what my faults supposedly were (I was in un-forgiveness, had a hard heart and was walking in anger)! I was truly shocked! I have had to pull away from my church at this point and am in deep prayer with several of my friends who know and love both my husband and I. This wrong attitude and interpretation of the Scripture MUST be eradicated from the Body of Christ! I don't believe there is any room to "agree to disagree" on this particular subject! So many love to quote the verse that says, "God hates divorce" but how many have actually found that particular Scripture and read it in context? Read Malachi 2:16 (AMP) - "For the Lord, the God of Israel, says: I hate divorce and marital separation AND HIM WHO COVERS HIS GARMENT (HIS WIFE) with violence. Therefore keep a watch upon your spirit[that it may be controlled by My Spirit], that you deal not treacherously and faithlessly [with your marriage mate]." The context of that verse involves God's judgment! Husbands and wives are to submit to one another in ultimate submission to Christ! HE is the one who should be leading the marriage - LOVE and TRUTH need to guide the home, not force. Ultimately, as Christians, we must obey God and not man and if you are in an abusive marriage, the good news is: God has called you to peace and He loves you because you are His precious daughter! Sometimes separation is the catalyst for change - sometimes not. Sometimes divorce is the only way to freedom because the man chooses to harden his heart to the Holy Spirit. Abuse is NEVER okay with God!
Posted by: michele on August 8, 2009
Keri,
I agree with you completely. Complementarianism, which would be more appropriately called, "Gender-Based Hierarchy in the Body of Christ" is not an acceptable "alternative" view for followers of Christ. You state, "If marriage is understood as a hierarchy, then the person at the top of that structure can easily conclude that he has permission to do what is necessary to maintain power." POWER is the key word in understanding the complementarian position.
Everything this position teaches is centered on maintaining men's power over women: physical, emotional, spiritual, and, if possible social power. The fact that society in the west has legally eliminated that social power means that the complementarian position works even harder to hold on to the other realms of power.
Yet it is hard to find any teaching in Scripture that validates, let alone commands, one believer to exercise power over another. Quite the contrary: Jesus instructed his followers NOT to be like the Gentile rulers who "lord it over" others (Mat. 20:25).
Complementarians are quick to argue (nowadays, at least) that men who abuse their wives are misusing their power. But the power itself is never called into question. In fact the male power view comes from a culture of patriarchy, a system God neither set up, commanded nor prescribed for God's children.
There are many more reasons in addition to abuse why the hierarchical view is unacceptable for followers of Jesus. It puts a male human mediator between a woman and God. It teaches women that God will somehow hold them less responsible for their actions than men. It values women less than men (despite all the "equal but separate" rhetoric. We know how well that worked!) Most importantly, it teaches that above all else, women's lives as believers are predetermined because they are women. Every other factor from calling to gifting to experience to training is of secondary importance next to her permanently unchangeable gender. Sociologists call this determinism, and it has been used historically to maintain slavery and a host of other social ills.
You are right, Keri, gender-based hierarchy is destructive, and not only to women but to the men who promote and practice it.
Posted by: lmb on August 8, 2009
Agree!
My husband has always seen him and I as equal in our marriage - thank God! For a time, I struggled with that thought, because all I knew was the traditional way of viewing men as the head. Over the past few year, I've come to know about (and feel) the love of our creator in a new way. All humans are made in his image - so why would they not be equal and/or why would one type of humans be 'under' the other?
At times, I had a hard time explaining myself to others,so thanks for these thoughts to help me more clearly voice my viewpoints when asked.
Posted by: Janet on August 8, 2009
Keri,
Thank you for your thoughts on this matter. I respect your input as a faithful servant of God.
I would have an initial question about some of what you stated. You said:
"Egalitarians like myself see the head and body analogy is an illustration of the unity, or oneness that God intended in creation. A husband and wife need to be a team, like a head and a body. A body needs the head, the head needs the body... Paul is talking about unity and oneness. He concludes his teaching with a reminder of the oneness theme, and mutual nature of submission: “each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband” (Eph. 5:33)."
I shortened all of your quote to help fit this comment, but it can be read above.
The text you site says this: " 22Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. 23For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything."
If head and body emphasize oneness/sameness/unity as you state, then Christ would be the same in authority as the church. The comparison is husband to wife as Christ to church. Head to body, husband to wife, Christ to church. I don't think that you would be suggesting that Christ and the church are equal in authority as would be the logical conclusion. Could you please offer me your thoughts on how this all fits together.
Obviously, it is hard to discuss all sides of these verses in a blog, but you have attempted to show a view based on some thoughts and I am curious how you and others would carry that argument based on those verses.
Thank you for your faithfulness to God, His Word, and your family. Gracefully, KG.
Posted by: KG on August 8, 2009
Dear Keri,
Whenever I hear stories of abusive relationship like the one you mentioned, my heart trembles and I can’t help but praying for our Lord to come again soon, so such evil against our fellow sisters can be ended forever! I too feel angry, and want justice done. Nevertheless, in my attempts to voice on this important subject in various occasions, I gradually noticed a couple of things that could potentially weaken our well intentioned messages:
1) Labeling and “fighting” against anyone labeled as the opposite. In fact, from my study on the subject “women in ministry” so far, I found that the term “complementarianism” has a very broad definition and people don’t necessarily mean the same thing when they call themselves by this label. For example, I think you will be delightfully surprised if you read Dr. C. L. Blomberg ‘s essay on “Women in Ministry” collected in the book Two Views on Women in Ministry (2nd ed., 2005), in which he provides a careful survey of OT and NT scriptures in support of women in ministries, including preaching. Yet he calls himself a “complementarianist”. Should we dismiss him or his writing just because of this label, we would be missing treasures that could better equip us to dialogue more effectively with those who misinterpret the Bible and devalue women in marriage and/or ministry.
2) Let our emotions get too much in the way for us to truthfully seeking to understand the Scripture. It indeed is almost impossible not to get emotional as so much is at stake when someone denies our identity and purpose as God so created and intended. Yet when we let our emotions get out of hand, we could potentially take scripture out of context to support our own opinion. For example, I would agree with KG that your interpretation of Eph 5 is indeed questionable. Just as some of the Christian men we are criticizing here, when we use the Scripture in partiality for our own agenda instead of the will of God, we become just like them and will potentially lose credibility in front of God and our fellow Christians.
With that in mind, perhaps what we need to question is not the “headship” of husband to wife but the nature of it. If we read on to Eph 5:25-30, I would say the real meaning of “headship” becomes pretty clear--“Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her…In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body.” Do you strive to be a good Christian husband? Then don’t worry about maintaining this humanly conceived notion of “authority”; rather, cherish and nourish your wife and love to the point to give yourself up for her. And you will be amazed as to how willingly your wife will submit to your leadership! Same thing for us wives, as long as it is not about anything against God’s will (being abusive is definitely against God’s will, when we are to love even our neighbor as ourselves, let alone husband or wife!), let’s make effort in the Spirit-given strength to submit our individualistic will and preference to our husbands’ and bring peace to the family!
Posted by: Helen on August 9, 2009
Helen,
I'm not following your final points of your post. You clearly understand that the husband is called to give himself up for his wife, yet you then turn around and say that women are "to submit our individualistic will and preference to our husband's and bring peace to the family."
So what about a man's individualistic will? And where did the man's "giving himself up" go? In your last sentence, you set the man in a position of power to which a woman must give in, whereas the verses you quoted teach that a man is to be in a position of servanthood to his wife, in which he "gives himself up" for what is best for her.
A peaceful family does not consist of a wife submitting her individualistic preferences to a husband's whims. A peaceful family consists of two responsible, mature adults, neither of them acting out of their individualistic wills, but both of them acting out of what is best for everyone in the family. And generally what is best for the family is for every family member to have the freedom to wholly submit to the call that God has placed on his, or on her, life.
Posted by: Sue on August 10, 2009
Thank you for writing this, Keri! I'm glad that more and more people are no longer dismissing this issue as a matter of taste. I agree that gender equality, rather than hierarchy, is a biblical teaching.
Posted by: hollie on August 10, 2009
KG, you asked Keri how her understanding of unity could be right since you think it would mean that Christ and the church are equal in authority, which is clearly not true. I think there are a couple of things that help explain why this is not a problem.
1. The head-body example is an illustration or a metaphor. Language uses these all the time to show how things are similar. One of the first rules for understanding a metaphor is that it does not apply exactly in all of its aspects. You have to look at the context to see which part of the metaphor the author is using to make his point.
Verse 23 says, “For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior.” Then verses 25-27 define what Christ did for the church: loved her, gave himself up for her, made her holy, washed her, made her radiant and without blemish.
Paul is clear: he is talking about loving and caring. The word “authority” is nowhere in the whole text. The only way to find it here is to assume beforehand that “head” stands for “boss, ruler or authority” and nothing else. But is that what it means?
In this verse, and in 1 Cor 11:3 and Col 1:18 the phrase “head of” is used to describe relationships: Christ is the head of the church, or the head of man, the husband is the head of his wife, God is the head of Christ. But Eph. 1:22 says, “And God placed all things under his [Christ’s] feet, and appointed him to be head OVER everything FOR the church, which is his body. . . .” See the difference? Here is a power or authority structure: Christ is head OVER all things FOR the church, not head over the church. It’s a different kind of relationship entirely.
2. In order to understand the idea of authority in marriage, we should look at the passage about marriage where Paul actually does use the word and explain the concept, in 1 Cor. 7. Alvera Mickelsen explains this very well in the July 30 issue of Arise published by CBE. You can subscribe here: http://www.cbeinternational.org/. Her article is excellent. I would quote it here but I’d be breaking copyright laws.
KG, I don’t know if Keri would have a different answer, but this is the reason why I think the answer to your question is no, there is no message here that the church and Christ are equal in authority: because the idea of authority isn’t even in the passage at all!
Posted by: lmb on August 11, 2009
Yes, Keri, I agree wholeheartedly, and so does my husband. The wife is to put the husband before herself. The husband is to put the wife before himself. In fact, Paul commands believers to consider others more important than themselves and Jesus clearly teaches that a "leader" is one who gives up everything to SERVE another. Funny how these principles seem to go out the window with some men the minute they are married.
Posted by: Robyn on August 11, 2009
Complementarianism occurs when people look at the Bible throught the sin-filled lenses of the world. I've always found that complementarianism goes up when people ignore the Holy Spirit.
By the way, the verses in Ephesians are about love, not authority.
Posted by: K. on August 11, 2009
My Deacon has a great take on why God made men the spiritual heads of the house, he says "well if God didn't make'em, they'd never do it" (O:
Posted by: Michael McCleary on August 11, 2009
Keri-
THANK YOU! I have just finished an abusive 36-yr marriage to an ordained ministry leader. Until this last year, all the counsel I received was as you described. When my husband added unfaithfulness to the mix, I finally understood the truth you describe. When, after 9 months of couples' counseling, he still believed I was the problem, the Lord said to me "The reign of terror is over"(Ps 10:18 The Message),and I took the hardest stand of my life and ended my marriage, with the Lord's sad blessing.
How can we reach into the hidden suffering of so many of our sisters, so that healing and grace can be poured into their lives, and into the lives of husbands willing to change?
Posted by: martha on August 11, 2009
It is interesting to me that we believe Jesus Christ is God, equal in essence to the Father, but yet He submitted to the Him. Does that submission communicate "a value that the Father is of greater value" than the Son?
Posted by: Mike on August 11, 2009
Dear Sue,
Thank you for the thoughtful response! And you are asking some real important questions for us to ponder further on the great challenge of being able to obey God’s will for husbands and wives according to the Scripture.
The truth and fact, as we all know, is that, although originally created in God’s image, we are all sinners, fall short of God’s glory, and have the strong tendency to be self-centered. Ideally, as you stated, when both my husband and I have individualistic will (desires), he would realized his problem and thus opt to satisfy mine in an effort to live up to his own godly standard for being a loving husband. Yet just like myself, he is still in the process of being sanctified and could fail (miserably) from time to time, not to mention that both of us could simply be misunderstanding the other (plus being judgmental) as finite beings. Therefore, if I insist that he live up to the biblical standard for a self-sacrificing husband, I could be hitting a stone wall at the very moment, and worse, he could cite his Bible just as well and insists on my perfect submission. Where do we go next? Often a dead end, in my personal experience, and someone has to turn around first, so that God’s grace could work us toward mutual confession and reconciliation.
My final point was just that--both husbands and wives should be reading the Bible for themselves, and we are not to hold our spouses against God’s will for them while underestimating and even letting go of our own mistakes and responsibilities. In other words, we are to submit to God’s will even when we have to suffer significant emotional distress to be the first to admit our own weakness and/or reexamine our own desire in light of God’s word.
The real amazing thing I found is that, whenever I was willing to eventually take up this challenge with Spirit-given strength (often after my argument with God in regards to the unfairness of the situation and what He wants from me), God has always been faithful to grant us grace, bringing my husband down to awareness and willingness to also fulfill his obligation for us to work toward a true reconciliation. I’m sure he has similar stories to share, in which I was the “stubborn-necked” one in the pair, and I am sure there will still be stories like down the road. But again, as long as we both (taking turn) strive to submit to God’s will with the Spirit-given strength, we regain the peace God promised to all who loves Him. Praise God!
Just like what you said, “A peaceful family consists of two responsible, mature adults, neither of them acting out of their individualistic wills, but both of them acting out of what is best for everyone in the family.” What a great way to put it, Sue, can’t agree with you more! And I’m sure God has called us into His Kingdom as teams of husband and wife for a wonderful purpose!
Posted by: Helen on August 11, 2009
I think that Complementarianism is simply the traditional Christian view of the divinely-mandated authority of the husband over the wife, with all that this implies, including the position taken by the Baptist theologian you mention. As a liberal Christian--if there can be such a thing--I don't believe I have to take Scripture with complete literalness. My wife and I have what we regard, but which an evangelical Christian who understands the Bible literally would not so regard, as a Christian marriage. Using this column's terminology, we would be Egalitarians.
However, I do not believe that Egalitarianism has any Scriptural basis; it is a secular moral view that many Christians would like to be able to find in Scripture. It is not there.
Posted by: Jim on August 11, 2009
Dear Keri,
I appreciate you voicing your concerns. I, too, despise abuse, and have several friends who have been in abusive relationships. However, I am concerned about your quote from Bruce Ware: you made him say exactly opposite what he was intending. In the link that contained the longer quote, Ware clearly calls abuse sinful. He lists it as an example of a husband's sinful response to a threat to his authority; when he says "can" he's not saying abuse is legitimate, but rather simply that it exists. I completely respect your difference of opinion with Ware on the roles of men and women in marriage, but please quote him accurately. I had him as a professor and know that he deplores abuse. Dr. Ware is one of the most humble, godly men I know. He loves his wife dearly and strives to help men treat their wives with honor and Christ-like love. Please don't slander his name by misrepresenting what he believes.
Posted by: ih on August 11, 2009
Great discussion. And I appreciated the comments defending my position--the verses about head and body are not about authority, but about love and care. Thank you, LMB.
And Jim, I'm glad you are an egalatarian in practice, but I must tell you, it does have a scriptural basis. just read through the comments on this post and you'll see it. You have to separate traditional interpretation from what the text actually says.
And IH, i did wonder about Dr. Ware's quote--what he meant by "can"--was he observing what does happen, or giving it his approval? i can see your point that he was not condoning it--however, in the text of that talk, I saw nothing where he said, 'abuse is wrong,' straight out. I wish he'd been more forthright. Not just because people like me might misinterpret his meaning, but because people who are prone to abuse might do so as well.
there are other Christian leaders who have said similar or worse things about domestic abuse, and plenty of churches who counsel women to "stay and pray" in abusive relationships. That's just wrong, no matter what you think the Bible says.
Posted by: Keri Wyatt Kent on August 11, 2009
I really do feel this is a very unbalanced perspective in terms of complimentarism and its effects on leadership within the church.
The "likely not a female translator" statement made about verse 21 made me feel very annoyed. The same verse in the Amplified Bible translation reads the same and that translation was in large part done by a woman (not to mention the countless eyes that have translated the original text the same way and verified to the best of their abilities that you would also need to rebut).
I think the part about complimentarism that gets people so irate is when they equate their experience with it (done in the wrong way) as a revelation from the Lord. Its as if when it doesn't work out, 'I must have it wrong' so if we can back it up with scripture then (Egalitarianism) it must be right (correct, prefered way etc).
For sure, you must be a team in a marriage and their must be leadership in a marriage but to say that 2 can be leaders in a marriage or in the case of a woman to lead in the same men appointed positions of church settings is counter-scriptural (12 disciples, Paul, David etc etc) I have heard the cultural arguement for why men were prefered to deliver the gospel but Jesus shook so many people's persepectives, why not female leadership when he had the chance (e.g. choose a female disciple/s)? There has to be a reason for the lack of compulsion to speak on this but just his silence on this begs the question: was there anything wrong with men chosen as leaders?
The complimentarism view can go too extreme like you've said (a man leading women's ministry is just crazy) but done properly, complimentarism and women in leadership can be done within the church environment AND be fulfilling, not oppressive to women. Unfortunately you seem to have found quite a lot of times when it was not done properly.... a trend that I find increasingly concerning.
abusive husband of christian wife
Knowing how to use Scripture to combat domestic violence is key in helping abused women, especially because abusers often twist passages to justify their sinful behavior, says Leslie Vernick, a Christian counselor and author of The Emotionally Destructive Relationship.Abusive husbands often feel they're entitled for their wife to submit, Leslie explains. "But submission isn't something you force someone to do. It's done by the choice of the one who does the submitting. When you force someone to do things your way, that's not submission—it's coercion," says Leslie.
Similarly, the concept of headship is often misunderstood. "Headship doesn't mean getting to have your way all the time," Leslie says. "It means husbands get to lead in sacrificing first. Scripture says for husbands to love their wives and sacrifice for them (Ephesians 5:25). Jesus also explained that a good leader is one who serves (Matthew 20:27-28). That's what the head of the family is—a servant to all of the others."
Leslie also believes many people are confused about biblical allowances for divorce. "In the Old Testament book of Malachi, God says he hates divorce," says Leslie. "But in the same passage he also says he hates a man who covers himself with violence (Malachi 2:16). God hates many things, but those things still happen because of our sinful actions."
If an abuser refuses to repent and change, then it's difficult to maintain a covenant relationship with him. "It's similar to trying to have a relationship with an adulterer," Leslie says. "Marriage vows aren't just about fidelity. They're also about care and protection. When someone is repeatedly breaking their marriage vows, it's impossible to have a relationship. There's no mutual trust."
In cases of ongoing abuse, Leslie recommends separation while the couple works to reconcile. But she encourages women to seek legal advice along the way. For example, some states don't legally recognize the process of separation. "So if a husband decides to drain the equity in the home or racks up $200,000 in credit card bills, the wife still carries that debt," Leslie explains. In those cases, a woman can file for divorce as a measure of legal protection, even as she's attempting to reconcile.
"God has given us a government to protect us against lawbreakers," Leslie says. "When a husband is breaking the law by hurting or stealing from his family, the law is there to offer protection."
Corrie Cutrer, a TCW regular contributor, lives in South Carolina with her husband and their two daughters.
Similarly, the concept of headship is often misunderstood. "Headship doesn't mean getting to have your way all the time," Leslie says. "It means husbands get to lead in sacrificing first. Scripture says for husbands to love their wives and sacrifice for them (Ephesians 5:25). Jesus also explained that a good leader is one who serves (Matthew 20:27-28). That's what the head of the family is—a servant to all of the others."
Leslie also believes many people are confused about biblical allowances for divorce. "In the Old Testament book of Malachi, God says he hates divorce," says Leslie. "But in the same passage he also says he hates a man who covers himself with violence (Malachi 2:16). God hates many things, but those things still happen because of our sinful actions."
If an abuser refuses to repent and change, then it's difficult to maintain a covenant relationship with him. "It's similar to trying to have a relationship with an adulterer," Leslie says. "Marriage vows aren't just about fidelity. They're also about care and protection. When someone is repeatedly breaking their marriage vows, it's impossible to have a relationship. There's no mutual trust."
In cases of ongoing abuse, Leslie recommends separation while the couple works to reconcile. But she encourages women to seek legal advice along the way. For example, some states don't legally recognize the process of separation. "So if a husband decides to drain the equity in the home or racks up $200,000 in credit card bills, the wife still carries that debt," Leslie explains. In those cases, a woman can file for divorce as a measure of legal protection, even as she's attempting to reconcile.
"God has given us a government to protect us against lawbreakers," Leslie says. "When a husband is breaking the law by hurting or stealing from his family, the law is there to offer protection."
Corrie Cutrer, a TCW regular contributor, lives in South Carolina with her husband and their two daughters.
trust in tithing
Our Interesting Approaches to Tithing
And what really works
Jim Killam
As parents of three college-age persons, my wife and I now have an early-year ritual. We file the tax returns, and then we file something called the FAFSA—the Free Application for Federal Student Aid. This shows us exactly how much financial aid our kids will not get for college in the coming year.
Once you plug in your financial and tax information, the government spits back your Expected Family Contribution. This produced quite a surprise the first year we did it.
"Look at the number," I said. "It's almost exactly the amount we tithed last year."
We both said, "Hmmm," and then quickly dismissed a thought.
Tithing has been part of our marriage from the beginning. We wouldn't change that, but over 24 years, I'd be lying if I said our accompanying attitude was always great. We've either experienced or witnessed some interesting approaches to tithing. Some were slightly out of balance. Others were seriously twisted. The list goes something like this:
Tithing as a bribe to God. We can't be the only ones who ever thought, We'd better keep tithing because we're afraid of what might happen to us if we stopped. It's sort of like paying off the neighborhood mob boss every month to keep the riffraff out of your store.
I remember hearing a sermon once where the pastor said that God evens everything out—that, for instance, when we tithe, maybe the car doesn't break down so often or the kids don't get sick. Maybe that's true for some, but I've often found the opposite: When we decide to give a little extra, that's the week the car gives out. Sometimes it feels like a test.
Tithing as a padlock. As in, "We'd really like to be able to help that needy person down the street, but all our extra money is locked into that weekly tithe check." We never did this consciously, but thinking back, we certainly did it. I pray we never do it again.
Tithing as a tax deduction. Hey, it crosses all of our minds. Why do you think late December is the biggest income period for churches? Is this wrong? Certainly I won't refuse the deduction, but if tax savings is the prime motivator for giving, then I'm pretty sure it's not honoring God. A good test: Do we think twice about giving—substantially—to someone in need if they're not an IRS-recognized charitable organization?
Tithing as a political weapon. We've seen people withhold their tithe when they didn't like a change in a church's musical styles. Or the youth ministry. Or a pastor's salary. Or any number of other reasons that totally lose the point of giving and that must truly grieve God.
Tithing as a game of keep-away: Is it really supposed to be 10 percent? Of the net or the gross? If it's the net, then do we need to tithe our tax return? Can we claim the kids as deductions? What about college tuition? What if it was a Christian school? If we also give to missionaries, does that count as part of the 10 percent or does that have to be extra? Can we depreciate that Bible we bought last year?
We turn God into the heavenly IRS. Giving becomes, "What's the least we can give and still pass?"
Tithing as punishment: Longtime tithers, don't tell me that at least once you haven't looked at your friends with the bigger homes and nicer cars and better vacations and whined, "Well, gee, if we didn't tithe we could have some of those nice things too."
Tithing as an act of pride. Take the previous statement and add: "Good thing we're more spiritual than they are. They'll get theirs someday." You don't even have to say it aloud. Just let your mind go there and the damage is done.
Tithing as a sacrifice. As in, "Here, God, take what little extra we'd have had this week. We know it's for your kingdom. We'll just scrape along. Don't worry about us." Tithing certainly is a worthy sacrifice, but when we think of it chiefly as that, we start to resent it. And then we might as well not give at all.
Tithing as an investment: Viewed correctly, it's scripturally sound: Jesus told us to store up treasures in heaven (Matthew 6:20). What better way to do that than invest in efforts to help get people there? As pastor and author Mark Driscoll says: "You can't take it with you, but you can send it on ahead." The caution is, we can forget the words in heaven and quickly move from Jesus' teaching to the slot-machine model: Put a check in the offering plate and wait for the quick payout.
"Have to" to "Get to"
So where does that leave us, after 24 years and lots of mistakes? How about . . .
Tithing as an act of worship. Everything we have is God's. We're just the temporary caretakers. What a privilege to be able to give a chunk of money back to him to be used for his honor. And if the word tithing holds too much legalistic baggage for you—or, conversely, if it's too limiting—then just call it giving.
Do we ever have a season where it's okay not to tithe? In our experience, no. We'll sometimes direct part of that tithe to different places if there's an urgent need. But I don't think it's a good idea to stop tithing to pay off credit-card debt or, I don't know, maybe college tuition. Financial expert Dave Ramsey once told me in an interview that he and his wife tithed all the way into deep debt and all the way back out—the latter half as a way of showing God they trusted him completely. In a bad economy, that still seems like good advice.
I'm convinced that God isn't as concerned about a percentage as he is about an attitude. My wife and I used to give 10 percent of net. Then we increased by 1 percent a year for several years, until we'd reached 10 percent of gross. Now we feel like that's a good base point, and it's supported biblically (Deuteronomy 14 and 26, among many other places). Sometimes we're able to give more and sometimes we're not. But there's no "have to" any more. Now it's "get to." We're free to give as God leads us, and it's a blast.
All of which Paul summarizes perfectly in 2 Corinthians 9:7: "Each man should give what he has decided in his heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver."
As for those college costs? I don't think it was an accident that the numbers matched so closely to our tithes. We've come to think of it as God simply saying, "Trust me."
And what really works
Jim Killam
As parents of three college-age persons, my wife and I now have an early-year ritual. We file the tax returns, and then we file something called the FAFSA—the Free Application for Federal Student Aid. This shows us exactly how much financial aid our kids will not get for college in the coming year.
Once you plug in your financial and tax information, the government spits back your Expected Family Contribution. This produced quite a surprise the first year we did it.
"Look at the number," I said. "It's almost exactly the amount we tithed last year."
We both said, "Hmmm," and then quickly dismissed a thought.
Tithing has been part of our marriage from the beginning. We wouldn't change that, but over 24 years, I'd be lying if I said our accompanying attitude was always great. We've either experienced or witnessed some interesting approaches to tithing. Some were slightly out of balance. Others were seriously twisted. The list goes something like this:
Tithing as a bribe to God. We can't be the only ones who ever thought, We'd better keep tithing because we're afraid of what might happen to us if we stopped. It's sort of like paying off the neighborhood mob boss every month to keep the riffraff out of your store.
I remember hearing a sermon once where the pastor said that God evens everything out—that, for instance, when we tithe, maybe the car doesn't break down so often or the kids don't get sick. Maybe that's true for some, but I've often found the opposite: When we decide to give a little extra, that's the week the car gives out. Sometimes it feels like a test.
Tithing as a padlock. As in, "We'd really like to be able to help that needy person down the street, but all our extra money is locked into that weekly tithe check." We never did this consciously, but thinking back, we certainly did it. I pray we never do it again.
Tithing as a tax deduction. Hey, it crosses all of our minds. Why do you think late December is the biggest income period for churches? Is this wrong? Certainly I won't refuse the deduction, but if tax savings is the prime motivator for giving, then I'm pretty sure it's not honoring God. A good test: Do we think twice about giving—substantially—to someone in need if they're not an IRS-recognized charitable organization?
Tithing as a political weapon. We've seen people withhold their tithe when they didn't like a change in a church's musical styles. Or the youth ministry. Or a pastor's salary. Or any number of other reasons that totally lose the point of giving and that must truly grieve God.
Tithing as a game of keep-away: Is it really supposed to be 10 percent? Of the net or the gross? If it's the net, then do we need to tithe our tax return? Can we claim the kids as deductions? What about college tuition? What if it was a Christian school? If we also give to missionaries, does that count as part of the 10 percent or does that have to be extra? Can we depreciate that Bible we bought last year?
We turn God into the heavenly IRS. Giving becomes, "What's the least we can give and still pass?"
Tithing as punishment: Longtime tithers, don't tell me that at least once you haven't looked at your friends with the bigger homes and nicer cars and better vacations and whined, "Well, gee, if we didn't tithe we could have some of those nice things too."
Tithing as an act of pride. Take the previous statement and add: "Good thing we're more spiritual than they are. They'll get theirs someday." You don't even have to say it aloud. Just let your mind go there and the damage is done.
Tithing as a sacrifice. As in, "Here, God, take what little extra we'd have had this week. We know it's for your kingdom. We'll just scrape along. Don't worry about us." Tithing certainly is a worthy sacrifice, but when we think of it chiefly as that, we start to resent it. And then we might as well not give at all.
Tithing as an investment: Viewed correctly, it's scripturally sound: Jesus told us to store up treasures in heaven (Matthew 6:20). What better way to do that than invest in efforts to help get people there? As pastor and author Mark Driscoll says: "You can't take it with you, but you can send it on ahead." The caution is, we can forget the words in heaven and quickly move from Jesus' teaching to the slot-machine model: Put a check in the offering plate and wait for the quick payout.
"Have to" to "Get to"
So where does that leave us, after 24 years and lots of mistakes? How about . . .
Tithing as an act of worship. Everything we have is God's. We're just the temporary caretakers. What a privilege to be able to give a chunk of money back to him to be used for his honor. And if the word tithing holds too much legalistic baggage for you—or, conversely, if it's too limiting—then just call it giving.
Do we ever have a season where it's okay not to tithe? In our experience, no. We'll sometimes direct part of that tithe to different places if there's an urgent need. But I don't think it's a good idea to stop tithing to pay off credit-card debt or, I don't know, maybe college tuition. Financial expert Dave Ramsey once told me in an interview that he and his wife tithed all the way into deep debt and all the way back out—the latter half as a way of showing God they trusted him completely. In a bad economy, that still seems like good advice.
I'm convinced that God isn't as concerned about a percentage as he is about an attitude. My wife and I used to give 10 percent of net. Then we increased by 1 percent a year for several years, until we'd reached 10 percent of gross. Now we feel like that's a good base point, and it's supported biblically (Deuteronomy 14 and 26, among many other places). Sometimes we're able to give more and sometimes we're not. But there's no "have to" any more. Now it's "get to." We're free to give as God leads us, and it's a blast.
All of which Paul summarizes perfectly in 2 Corinthians 9:7: "Each man should give what he has decided in his heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver."
As for those college costs? I don't think it was an accident that the numbers matched so closely to our tithes. We've come to think of it as God simply saying, "Trust me."
ministry of listening
Compassion: The Ministry of Paying Attention
Keri Wyatt Kent
posted 8/06/2009
1 of 2
This monthly column is my gift to you, a faithful servant in ministry. As a co-laborer in Christ, I want to encourage you to care of your own soul, to take time to nurture your relationship with God through spiritual practices. We regularly reflect in this space on how soul-care is critical to long-term ministry success. If you're not growing, if you're not keeping your own soul healthy, it's hard to tend to the souls of others. I sometimes feel like the gal who gets to ring the bell at recess, to give permission for you to play, to rest, to just enjoy God. I pray that refreshment will water your soul, help it to thrive.
There is another type of growth and it comes from serving, from imitating Jesus who took on the nature of servant (see Philippians 2). If that's true and we want to be like God, we have to know what he's like. Throughout the Bible, poets and prophets describe God in this way: "The Lord is gracious and compassionate; slow to anger, abounding in love." (see Psalm 86:15, 103:8, 145:8, and Joel 2:13).
And the Bible is clear, that God's people are called to be much the same: gracious, compassionate, slow to anger, loving. We know we can't attain God's standard, but with his help, we can do much more than we thought. If that grace flows through us, we can share it with others. If we experience his compassion, we can pass it on.
When people long ago asked about what matters, what our lives should be about if we are following God, God answered through the prophet Micah: "He has shown all you people what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God" (Micah 6:8).
Someone who loves mercy is compassionate. The word compassion springs from two Latin roots: cum (with) and pati (suffer). To suffer with. Not to condescend, not to write a check, not to pity. Not to fix. But to suffer with, identify with, share in the struggles of. Compassion begins with paying attention.
Because of God's grace and mercy, Jesus came to earth to suffer with us, to take on flesh and live among us, to die for us. Likewise, the Holy Spirit prays for us and lives in us, in both our joy and suffering. In fact, the name for the Holy Spirit in Greek is Paraclete, meaning one who comes alongside. And he calls us to be compassionate people. It is one way that we grow.
Just serving in children's ministry can be an act of compassion. You come alongside young people, listening and teaching, caring and serving. You suffer with them and sometimes, truth be told, because of them. Don't believe me? Serve a shift in the two-year-old room.
When I look back at my spiritual journey, I can see that most of my profound growth occurred when I was facing challenges or extended myself to others—to show compassion.
The common denominator in someone who is gracious, compassionate, slow to anger, and loving is that they listen. Listening is a path to compassion. And listening is a spiritual practice that will nurture others and us at the same time.
In his book, if You Want to Walk on Water, You've Got to Get Out of the Boat, John Ortberg asks, "Is there any challenge in your life right now that is large enough that you have no hope of doing it apart from God's help? If not, consider the possibility that you are seriously under-challenged."
I think just attempting to walk humbly, act justly and love mercy is something I have no hope of doing without God's help. But when I agree to take on this challenge, with God's help, I learn to live a life of simple compassion. We often find it incredibly challenging to simply love our neighbor—whether that neighbor lives next door, in the poor part of our city, or sits next to us in the pew on Sunday mornings.
And it is those acts of compassion that help us to grow spiritually. Among the children you minister to, you have great opportunities to show compassion. Almost every child in your care has been affected by the economy in some way. Perhaps they have a parent who has lost a job or they're just seeing more tension at home because of financial pressures. There may be children in your ministry who don't get enough to eat or who are just starving for attention. Others may be quietly dealing with other issues: divorce, a dying grandparent, a sick sibling, neglect, verbal or even physical abuse. You just never know. Every time you are with the children you minister to, don't just see it as an opportunity to tell them what they need to know or how to act. See it as a time for you to listen and learn, to understand their suffering, to come alongside them and show them compassion.
You don't have to go on a mission trip or visit a soup kitchen to show compassion (although if you serve older kids, you may want to do just that with them). Rather, you simply have to pay attention. The opportunities to grow by showing compassion are right in front of you.
Keri Wyatt Kent
posted 8/06/2009
1 of 2
This monthly column is my gift to you, a faithful servant in ministry. As a co-laborer in Christ, I want to encourage you to care of your own soul, to take time to nurture your relationship with God through spiritual practices. We regularly reflect in this space on how soul-care is critical to long-term ministry success. If you're not growing, if you're not keeping your own soul healthy, it's hard to tend to the souls of others. I sometimes feel like the gal who gets to ring the bell at recess, to give permission for you to play, to rest, to just enjoy God. I pray that refreshment will water your soul, help it to thrive.
There is another type of growth and it comes from serving, from imitating Jesus who took on the nature of servant (see Philippians 2). If that's true and we want to be like God, we have to know what he's like. Throughout the Bible, poets and prophets describe God in this way: "The Lord is gracious and compassionate; slow to anger, abounding in love." (see Psalm 86:15, 103:8, 145:8, and Joel 2:13).
And the Bible is clear, that God's people are called to be much the same: gracious, compassionate, slow to anger, loving. We know we can't attain God's standard, but with his help, we can do much more than we thought. If that grace flows through us, we can share it with others. If we experience his compassion, we can pass it on.
When people long ago asked about what matters, what our lives should be about if we are following God, God answered through the prophet Micah: "He has shown all you people what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God" (Micah 6:8).
Someone who loves mercy is compassionate. The word compassion springs from two Latin roots: cum (with) and pati (suffer). To suffer with. Not to condescend, not to write a check, not to pity. Not to fix. But to suffer with, identify with, share in the struggles of. Compassion begins with paying attention.
Because of God's grace and mercy, Jesus came to earth to suffer with us, to take on flesh and live among us, to die for us. Likewise, the Holy Spirit prays for us and lives in us, in both our joy and suffering. In fact, the name for the Holy Spirit in Greek is Paraclete, meaning one who comes alongside. And he calls us to be compassionate people. It is one way that we grow.
Just serving in children's ministry can be an act of compassion. You come alongside young people, listening and teaching, caring and serving. You suffer with them and sometimes, truth be told, because of them. Don't believe me? Serve a shift in the two-year-old room.
When I look back at my spiritual journey, I can see that most of my profound growth occurred when I was facing challenges or extended myself to others—to show compassion.
The common denominator in someone who is gracious, compassionate, slow to anger, and loving is that they listen. Listening is a path to compassion. And listening is a spiritual practice that will nurture others and us at the same time.
In his book, if You Want to Walk on Water, You've Got to Get Out of the Boat, John Ortberg asks, "Is there any challenge in your life right now that is large enough that you have no hope of doing it apart from God's help? If not, consider the possibility that you are seriously under-challenged."
I think just attempting to walk humbly, act justly and love mercy is something I have no hope of doing without God's help. But when I agree to take on this challenge, with God's help, I learn to live a life of simple compassion. We often find it incredibly challenging to simply love our neighbor—whether that neighbor lives next door, in the poor part of our city, or sits next to us in the pew on Sunday mornings.
And it is those acts of compassion that help us to grow spiritually. Among the children you minister to, you have great opportunities to show compassion. Almost every child in your care has been affected by the economy in some way. Perhaps they have a parent who has lost a job or they're just seeing more tension at home because of financial pressures. There may be children in your ministry who don't get enough to eat or who are just starving for attention. Others may be quietly dealing with other issues: divorce, a dying grandparent, a sick sibling, neglect, verbal or even physical abuse. You just never know. Every time you are with the children you minister to, don't just see it as an opportunity to tell them what they need to know or how to act. See it as a time for you to listen and learn, to understand their suffering, to come alongside them and show them compassion.
You don't have to go on a mission trip or visit a soup kitchen to show compassion (although if you serve older kids, you may want to do just that with them). Rather, you simply have to pay attention. The opportunities to grow by showing compassion are right in front of you.
i told me so: self-deception
How many people set their alarm clocks 15 minutes ahead in hopes that when the alarm goes off, they'll be terrified of being late and jump out of bed? How many justify questionable decisions by rallying friends and family for support? How many focus their attention away from gross financial inequality, sexual slavery, or racial discrimination in their own lives?
Whether in minor or major ways, self-deception plays a part in everyone's life. As Gregg A. Ten Elshof notes in I Told Me So: The Role of Self-Deception in Christian Living (Eerdmans) , what's puzzling is that the deception works.
Where do we find self-deception? To answer this question, Ten Elshof, chair of the philosophy department at Biola University, effectively uses philosophical, literary, hypothetical, and personal examples ranging from the ancient Greeks to Flannery O'Connor. For example, he admits that he considers himself a better-than-average professor, but notes that so do 94 percent of all professors. How can this be? Ten Elshof says that it's more satisfying to believe good things about oneself than to face the truth. In these situations, life cuts you a deal: believe the truth or deceive yourself ("It's not so bad"; "I'm still a good person"; "I didn't really want that"). And on it goes.
For self-deception to work, people need to see themselves from the perspective of someone who doesn't know how they fail. If this "perspective switching" doesn't work, then people might try rationalizing their behavior: "I need to lie on these financial forms so that I can feed my family." Or, people can avoid a difficult decision altogether by procrastinating: "Sure, I'll contribute to your cause, but only after I check with my spouse, accountant, and bank."
People may avoid the truth often, but Ten Elshof says it's not always bad—one of the most surprising and refreshing claims in I Told Me So. The practice of perspective switching, for example, also enables empathy toward someone who is suffering. And procrastination can let people take a step back, breathe, and avoid making rash decisions. If I acted on impulse all the time, I would be quite unpleasant to be around.
That's the point: The abilities that contribute to self-deception are not wrong in themselves. People go wrong when they use their deceiving abilities to convince themselves that they are better than they actually are: "If I'm not so bad, I don't have to change."
How does one avoid self-deception's negative effects? Ten Elshof offers several helpful strategies: Recognize that everyone does it, put real plans into action that prevent the need to deceive oneself, welcome honest and diverse feedback, and ultimately, seek the Holy Spirit's guidance to reveal the truth.
Ten Elshof has given us a vulnerably honest yet philosophically savvy gem. Penetrating and readable, Ten Elshof's book exceeded my expectations throughout. And if he teaches like he writes, I would guess that Ten Elshof is a better-than-average professor.
Michael McGowan, a graduate student in theology at Claremont Graduate University, School of Religion, Claremont, California
Copyright © 2009 Christianity Today. Click for reprint information.
Whether in minor or major ways, self-deception plays a part in everyone's life. As Gregg A. Ten Elshof notes in I Told Me So: The Role of Self-Deception in Christian Living (Eerdmans) , what's puzzling is that the deception works.
Where do we find self-deception? To answer this question, Ten Elshof, chair of the philosophy department at Biola University, effectively uses philosophical, literary, hypothetical, and personal examples ranging from the ancient Greeks to Flannery O'Connor. For example, he admits that he considers himself a better-than-average professor, but notes that so do 94 percent of all professors. How can this be? Ten Elshof says that it's more satisfying to believe good things about oneself than to face the truth. In these situations, life cuts you a deal: believe the truth or deceive yourself ("It's not so bad"; "I'm still a good person"; "I didn't really want that"). And on it goes.
For self-deception to work, people need to see themselves from the perspective of someone who doesn't know how they fail. If this "perspective switching" doesn't work, then people might try rationalizing their behavior: "I need to lie on these financial forms so that I can feed my family." Or, people can avoid a difficult decision altogether by procrastinating: "Sure, I'll contribute to your cause, but only after I check with my spouse, accountant, and bank."
People may avoid the truth often, but Ten Elshof says it's not always bad—one of the most surprising and refreshing claims in I Told Me So. The practice of perspective switching, for example, also enables empathy toward someone who is suffering. And procrastination can let people take a step back, breathe, and avoid making rash decisions. If I acted on impulse all the time, I would be quite unpleasant to be around.
That's the point: The abilities that contribute to self-deception are not wrong in themselves. People go wrong when they use their deceiving abilities to convince themselves that they are better than they actually are: "If I'm not so bad, I don't have to change."
How does one avoid self-deception's negative effects? Ten Elshof offers several helpful strategies: Recognize that everyone does it, put real plans into action that prevent the need to deceive oneself, welcome honest and diverse feedback, and ultimately, seek the Holy Spirit's guidance to reveal the truth.
Ten Elshof has given us a vulnerably honest yet philosophically savvy gem. Penetrating and readable, Ten Elshof's book exceeded my expectations throughout. And if he teaches like he writes, I would guess that Ten Elshof is a better-than-average professor.
Michael McGowan, a graduate student in theology at Claremont Graduate University, School of Religion, Claremont, California
Copyright © 2009 Christianity Today. Click for reprint information.
