my ex is happy

I know God won't give me anything I can't handle.
I just wish he didn't trust me so much.
—Mother Teresa

When my marriage died, it profoundly shook my faith. As a new Christian, I had assumed that since I had been faithful and followed God, He in return would bless our marriage. So why was He allowing this separation? Why wasn't He protecting me from divorce?

As a Christian, I believed God would automatically make sure nothing bad ever happened to my marriage. I didn't take into account that God gives us all free will. And if my husband decided to leave, God wasn't going to shackle him to the couch.

Although obeying God is always the best choice, I learned my obedience didn't guarantee a specific outcome for my marriage. I can't put God in a box and demand that He perform as I request.

Fortunately, I had great friends who stayed by my side while I struggled with God. For example, my friend Carol Young hugged me, cried with me, and listened to all my fears. Her Christlike behavior drew me back to God and helped restore my faith. I'm extremely grateful for her support during that horrible season of my life.

During my divorce, I couldn't find the energy or mental capacity to pray, so I would sit by the stereo and listen to praise music. The words to those songs became a "Mayday! Mayday!" type of prayer. On occasion, I could muster enough strength to open my Bible and let God soothe my heart. If your experience with God has been damaged or is limited, this is a terrific time to draw near to Him. Give Him your broken heart. He is masterful at binding up wounds, and He eagerly yearns for a deep relationship with you. Unlike people, He will never abandon or betray you. The security, gentleness, and love He longs to lavish on you will be like nothing you have ever experienced.

***
I've heard that God hates divorce. If that's true, why doesn't He stop my wife from leaving me? Why does she get to have a great time with no worries when she's the one who left the marriage, and I get stuck being miserable?
This is a version of humankind's oldest question: Why does God allow suffering? Why do the people who cause hurt seem to get off without any consequences? I don't claim to have all the answers, but I can tell you what I've witnessed over the years and what I know to be true.

People can appear to be blissfully enjoying the single life, but deep in their hearts, they may be lonely. I believe that when the "greener grass" starts to turn brown, they are left with a hollow spot in their soul. This side of heaven, you may never see the consequences of your ex-wife's choices. The key to surviving is to let go of that type of thinking and realize this is between God and her—it has nothing to do with you. God is your defender, and He is enough.

Try to focus on your own healing and not on how much fun your ex is having. I know that's much easier to say than to do, but you can do it. God hates divorce and knows your sorrow and your loss. Ask Him to heal your wounded heart. Jesus was rejected by those closest to Him—family, friends, and disciples turned on Him. He understands your pain and weeps with you.

I left my wife and children many years ago. I've become a Christian and would like to ask for my family's forgiveness, but I'm afraid. Is it too late?
It's never too late. I can't guarantee how your family will respond; it may take time for them to process the apology. The first phone call is the hardest. Pray before you contact them, and ask God to prepare and soften their hearts.

Express the depth of your remorse and assume responsibility for the long-term ramifications that your poor choices caused them. Explain that you don't expect them to forgive you instantly, but ask if they would be willing to consider it. Back off if the initial response is icy.

Your willingness to let them determine the pace of the relationship is vital. Any attempt by you to force, manipulate, or guilt them into embracing you is a clear indicator that you can't be trusted. If they need more time to digest the idea, then communicate with them in small increments. This could include sending letters that express your changed heart. When you are together, encourage them to share why they are angry, hurt, or fearful of trusting you. This won't be easy to hear, but it's necessary. With prayer and time, healing the relationship may be possible.

I haven't gone to church since I was a small child. Since my divorce, I'm so empty inside. I want to know more about God, but I'm afraid to go to church because of all the bad things I've done. What can I do?
This is a perfect time for you to take the first step toward Christian community. Going to church for the first time might be intimidating. But in reality, imperfect people fill the church pews, and many of those people are also hurting. They aren't perfect, but they are learning and seeking forgiveness.

Although divorce is never God's will, He often uses it and other misfortunes to draw us into His loving arms. It's when we come to the end of ourselves that we seek the truth. If we haven't previously anchored ourselves to the One who never changes, this can feel very frightening. Fortunately, God is still on His throne and is passionately in love with you. He has provided Jesus as the way for you to be forgiven all those "bad things" you mentioned and be fully restored to Him. Listen to God's promise. "'You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you,' declares the LORD, 'and will bring you back from captivity'" (Jer. 29:13–14). You don't ever need to walk through life alone again. Jesus is the bridge between God and man. Because of His great love for you, He paid the price for all of your sins when He humbly died on the cross. God knew you could never be good enough to earn your way into heaven. Jesus is the only way to be reconciled to God. Now the choice is up to you to accept Him and what He has done for you. The Holy Spirit will help you to understand if you are truly seeking truth.

The night I accepted Christ, I wasn't really sure what the whole thing was about. But I prayed, "God, I don't fully understand what accepting Jesus as my Savior means, but I want to know truth. If Jesus is the truth, I'm willing to believe and give my life to You. I open my life to You." And God saw my heart. I wanted to believe. Understand, my friend, that even the ability to believe in God comes from Him.

If you would like to ask Jesus Christ to be your Savior and Lord, humble yourself and pray this prayer to God.

"Lord, I want to give my life to You. I'm a sinner, and I believe Jesus died on the cross to forgive my sins. I want to know Jesus Christ as my Savior and Lord of my life. Please come into my heart. Thank You for helping me to believe and understand this truth. Amen."

Never forget that all God seeks from His people is a sincere, repentant heart. He will teach you the rest. You will need to find a good church to help you grow. The DivorceCare Web site listed in the back of this book is a great way to find active churches in your area.

I was a very strong Christian when my marriage ended. But now I'm so mad at God for letting this happen to me that I can't even open my Bible. How can I get my faith back?
One of God's most astounding characteristics is that even the ability to have faith in Him comes from Him. Faith comes by hearing the Word of God (truth) and asking God to open our heart to that truth. (See Rom. 10:17.) We can't—and were never created to—do it "on our own."

Get alone with God and tell Him your thoughts. Be unreservedly honest. Scream, cry, yell, let it all out. God is big enough to handle your anger. Your rage won't shock Him—you're talking with the One who knows how many hairs you have on your head. He identifies with your agony and comprehends your pain.

Then give all of that betrayal, fear, fury, and sorrow over to God. Ask Him to transform your mind from one of anger toward Him to one that sees His compassion clearly. God weeps over your anguish because you are precious to Him. He wants you to be healed even more than you do.

My husband and I have decided to divorce because we aren't happy anymore. Some of my friends are saying this isn't a biblical reason to divorce. I find this hard to believe. Why wouldn't God want me to be happy?
Before I answer your question, I must first shed light on the word happy. Happiness is based on circumstances, and because theses continually change, it's impossible to be perpetually happy. When I'm buying a new pair of gorgeous shoes, I'm happy, but when I head out to my car and discover a new dent, my happiness quickly dissolves.

Joy, on the other hand, is a soul-deep, consoling peace and contentment. In our culture, we often pursue and even worship happiness, but what we're actually seeking is joy. Being happy is not wrong, but because happiness is temporary, it fails to satisfy.

You won't find anything in Scripture stating you can divorce because you are no longer happy with your spouse. Marriage is a lifelong covenant between two people and their Creator. Divorce might bring you temporary relief, but it won't bring the peace and joy you're seeking. It won't bring peace, because the marriage isn't the real problem. It feels like it is, because right now you dread the thought of staying married to your husband, but it isn't.

If you don't have peace and an abiding joy, it may be because you haven't fully been able to affirm the following:

God will never leave me. (See John 14:18.)
God has a wonderful future for me. (See Jer. 29:11–12.)
God'sways are higher andwiser thanmy own. (See Isa. 55:8–9.)
God cares about me. (See 1 Peter 5:7.)
I'm precious to God and He loves me. (See Isa. 43:4.)
Your heavenly Father cares for you, and He has solutions for your unhappiness that reach far beyond your own reasoning. The power to live in obedience to God flows from having faith in His promises. God's assurance and pledge that He loves you will give you the desire to seek His ways above your own.

Pastors and churches have differing views on what constitutes biblical grounds for divorce. Unfortunately, many unhappy couples are told they have to "suck it up and hang in there." Based on Jesus' love, I don't believe God is a taskmaster shackling you to a marriage you hate. But I do believe He wants to make your marriage a living, thriving, and vibrant gift—even if you don't think that's possible. God desires to rekindle your heart with love for your spouse.

Even a marriage that appears dead can receive new life. God is famous for creating life out of nothing. Take a look at Adam. "The LORD God formed man from the dust of the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, and the man became a living being" (Gen. 2:7). He will do the same for your marriage. The question is, will you surrender and let Him? Will you trust that His love and His ways are better than your own?

If you are ready, pray this prayer.

"Dear God, I don't really want to restore my marriage. It feels cold, dead, and buried. I want it over. I'm tired of trying. I don't even like my spouse anymore, much less love him.

"God, I admit this is the first time I have considered that divorce might not be the best decision. The truth is, I'm afraid to trust You. I'm scared I'll get stuck living this way forever. Help me to believe you have my best interest at heart. Please transform my marriage. Please replace my heart of stone with a heart of flesh.6 Show me how to be willing to have You change my heart.

"My knees are wobbly; I need faith and courage to seek reconciliation. I know I can't do this without You. I also know I can't change my husband's heart; You'll need to do that. My job is to ask You to change me, only me. Show me how to surrender my marriage and my whole life to You. Amen."

I'm not saying you'll fall back in love overnight. At times you'll feel like giving up. But God can restore your marriage—if you ask.

For three years, my entire prayer group prayed that my husband would come back to me. Recently he married another woman. With so many people praying, I can't understand why he didn't come back. Now I don't know if I should believe in prayer or God at all.
I believe God answers every prayer. I don't believe God answers every prayer in the way we request, however. Since God hates divorce, we can be certain that His desire would have been for your marriage to be reconciled. However, God has given us free will. If your spouse chooses to go against God's desires, God will let him. Are there consequences to those choices? Absolutely. But they are no longer your concern. Your ex-husband is married to another and is no longer available.

Now you need to refocus and adjust to the single life.Does your faith thrive only if God answers prayer the way you desire?Will you serve the Creator when He allows bad things to happen? This is our greatest challenge as Christians. The book of Job reveals one man's conclusion. "Though he slay me, yet will I hope in him" (Job 13:15). In other words, my circumstances don't change the way I view God's authority or faithfulness. He is worthy of my praise, even when darkness surrounds me. And because my Redeemer lives, He will provide a way out.

I keep searching for God in this dark valley called divorce, but I can't find Him. At the very time I need Him the most, He has abandoned me. Where did He go?
Be assured, beloved one, He hasn't left you. But sometimes when our grief becomes intense, it feels like He has. In times like this, we must trust what we knew in the light to still be true in the darkness. God is on His throne even when I'm in the pit. God continues to be omnipotent when I'm clueless. He is the same God who parted the Red Sea for Moses, and He is for me, not against me. (See Jer. 29:11–12.)

I don't believe God expects grief-stricken people to run around shouting, "Praise the Lord." Faking it through the pain just isn't His style. I base this belief on the psalms, in which we repeatedly see David groaning and crying out to God.

Surround yourself with people who understand this valley and yet have a strong relationship with God.Their presence and prayers for your life can carry you until you are stronger emotionally and spiritually.

I tolerated tremendous abuse from my ex-husband because I figured if I stayed with the marriage, eventually we would have a terrific testimony of God's restoration that would minister to others. Why didn't it work out?
Your motive was right, but your method was wrong. Tolerating abuse isn't love. It's actually the opposite of love to allow an abuser to continue destructive behavior.

When we love someone, we set healthy boundaries that allow the person to be responsible for his or her actions. By letting your husband continue to abuse you without consequences, you were helping to destroy the relationship. A strong marriage is built on trust, accountability, and unselfishness—not on enabling, manipulation, and control.

My ex-husband serves in a church-leadership role. During our separation, the pastor tried to make me feel welcome to stay, but it was obvious that my husband had "won custody" of the church in the proceedings. I'm not sure what I should do or if I even want to join another church.
It's a major mistake to isolate yourself while going through a divorce. A healthy Christian community that will assist you in the faith journey is crucial to the healing process.

Churches are like people: They each have a personality, strengths, and weaknesses. Searching for a new church can be time-consuming, but here are a few guidelines. Ask friends or co-workers for suggestions and review the worship and teaching style of each church. Check the Web sites of local churches and view the programs they offer.

When you have found a church that looks appealing, closely scrutinize its statement of faith for its core beliefs. Review any questions or issues you don't understand with a church leader.

Although doctrines differ from church to church, you want to be certain that there are no "gray areas" on critical issues such as Christ's deity, the Trinity, the virgin birth, salvation by faith, and the Bible being the true and inerrant Word of God.

I'm having a hard time going to church or looking at my Bible because of memories of my failed marriage. I had written in the margins of my Bible comments about my ex-spouse and our marriage. And the worship songs remind me of when we sang them together. What am I going to do?
This is why attending a support group is vital. I know a group of women who, during their divorces, set a time and place to meet every Sunday so they could sit together at church. This group has become their new family. Instead of dreading church, they grew to love spending time together in worship and fellowship. Buy the latest worship CDs and learn new songs. Use a new Bible that doesn't have your marriage notes in it. Don't turn to verses that remind you of your former husband. Instead, choose a book you haven't studied before. Ask God to rejuvenate the reading of His Word so that your soul is saturated with his love letters. Let this become a fresh breath from the Prince of Peace to you, His beloved bride.

I now realize I placed my husband before God in my life. I worshipped him instead of giving my heart to God. How could I have been so foolish?
If I had a dollar for every person who has said that to me, I'd be a wealthy woman. It's easy to idolize people, places, or things because they are more tangible than an almighty God who isn't visible. Our hearts are easily enticed by false idols. Discipline in God's Word and time in prayer are the tools necessary to alert us of the temptation to put people and things into a place they were never designed to be.

Loving and honoring our spouse is enjoyable, wonderful, and God-ordained. But when that love turns into worship or possessiveness, the relationship is in danger.

Our Creator knows that good things such as our spouse, our family, a job, food, or sex can easily become idols. Because God passionately loves His people, He cautions us to be alert to anything that may take His place and become a false god.We should never forget the high price Jesus paid for us. He alone deserves our devotion. You're wise to have recognized the error of allowing your ex-spouse to become a god in your life. Now that you know this is an area of weakness for you, you can guard against it happening again should you decide to remarry.

Heavenly Father,
I never thought the day would come where I would feel so far
away from You. And yet at the same time, I've never needed You
as much as I do now. God, I need to know You are hearing my
prayers. I need to know You haven't left me. I cry out to You as
David did so often in Psalms. Please come and rescue me from this
pain. I'm more desperate for You than I have ever been.

Holy Spirit, I seek You. Please take my prayers to the throne of
God. I'm so weak and weary that I don't even know how to pray.

Lord, Your Word says that I can lay all my anxiety down because
You care for me and won't leave me. Help me, God, because I feel
so alone. The very person I thought would stay by my side until
death is gone. But You tell me not to fear, for You are with me. You
declare that You are my God, You will strengthen me, You will help
me, You alone will lift me up out of this pit of despair. Don't let
this situation draw me away from You and into sinful choices.

God, please give me Your knowledge in every decision I must
make during this divorce. Your Word tells me that if I ask, You
will generously give wisdom. I need the mind of Christ. Please
reveal the ways I can demonstrate Your love to my spouse. If there
is any hope for restoring my marriage to the gift You created it to
be, show me my role. Help me to forgive everyone involved,
including myself. You are my strength. I will not be afraid. Amen.
(Portions of this prayer are taken from Romans 8:26; 1 Peter 5:7; John 14:18; Isaiah 41:10; James 1:5; and Psalm 27:1.)