i don't like myself

Recently I turned to a friend who was riding in my car and asked her, "What do you like about yourself?" We rode in silence for several minutes. Finally, she turned to me and said, apologetically, "I can't think of anything."

I was stunned. My friend is intelligent, charming, and compassionate—yet she couldn't see any of that.

I know she's not alone. Low self-esteem has become the number-one issue plaguing Christian women. Despite God's assurance that he's absolutely crazy about us, most of us can't believe he means us. It's like the cynical editor who tells the cub reporter, "If your mother says she loves you, check it out."

Comparison traps.

I'm technophobic. My brother got all the genes required to understand operating manuals, to repair things, or (gasp!) to make sense of computers. When I first had to learn how to use a computer for my job, I was convinced it was the end of life as I knew it.

I remember with painful clarity a beginner's computer class where the instructor told us to "press any key." I searched in vain for the "any" key. By the end of the class, I was certain I wasn't smart enough to drive myself home, much less dress for work the next day. This was despite the fact that I managed a home, a family, a job, and a professional staff.

Why was it so humiliating? Because I compared myself to the 10-year-old girl next door who effortlessly surfed the Net to research her term papers while I struggled just to log on. Instead of simply concluding that technical prowess is not one of my strengths, I concluded I must be stupid. It was a lie.

The art of the put-down.

People respect us as much as we respect ourselves. That's why the absence of self-confidence can telegraph to others not to believe in us.

For years I struggled to receive a compliment graciously. If someone complimented my hair, I'd discount it. I'd say my hairstyle made my face look fat or that my hair was a mousy color. What I really meant was, There must be some mistake. I'm not worth your regard. I don't like myself and can't really believe you do, either. The trouble is, if we persist in putting ourselves down, eventually people start to believe we're right.

Self-doubt.

Sometimes the problem isn't faulty data. We have an accurate picture of ourselves or a situation, but we capitulate the first time someone challenges us.

Several years ago, I discovered a grape-sized lump on my left breast. My doctor scheduled outpatient surgery right away. A month later, when I resumed periodic self-examination, I felt the same lump in the same hard-to-reach place. I was certain of it! When I called the doctor to suggest he might have missed the lump in question, he insisted I was wrong. It could not possibly be a lump, he said, because he had removed it. After all, he was the doctor.

I got off the phone, doubting what I'd felt with my own hand. But fear of lethal consequences gave me the courage to insist he re-examine me, at which point he reluctantly acknowledged that, yes, it did seem to be the original lump. He removed it in a second surgery.

Reclaim the Truth

It's time to go on the offensive and regain the confidence God wants for you. Here are a few ways to get started:

Name the lies—and give them to God.

Make a list of the falsehoods others have said about you (and what you've believed about yourself). Be specific. Then, agree with God that it's not how he sees you. Tell him, "God, I know you made me—and you don't make junk. These lies have got to go. I want to see myself the way you see me. Please begin the process of changing my mind."

Eugene Petersen, in The Message paraphrase of Romans 12:2, urges us to reject the flawed thinking of our culture and those around us: "Don't become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You'll be changed from the inside out."

Grieve the loss of what you'll never have and never be.

I once knew a woman who believed the lie that she was a victim. She wasn't in an abusive situation; she wasn't poor or ill or alone. But she felt as though the world always let her down. Eventually, she confessed to God the truth—playing the victim was easier for her than dealing with her own emotional "junk." But that was only the first step. Next she had to grieve the loss of a "crutch" she couldn't use anymore. She had to find a whole new way to live.

In my case, I had to confess the lie that I was stupid because I didn't understand technical things. Yet, even after acknowledging that I'm actually a pretty intelligent person, I still had to grieve the fact that no amount of classes or training would ever completely solve my technical ineptitude!

Another lie I believed about myself was that I'd been selfish for having only one child. The truth is, I nearly died giving birth to my daughter, and my husband didn't want to adopt. Still, I spent years feeling like an inferior mother—like I should have trusted God to protect me in subsequent childbirths.

I now believe that—in my case—one child was God's will for me. I've rejected the condemnation. Nevertheless, I had to grieve that I'd never have the houseful of children I'd always wanted.

Replace the lies with the truth.

God's Word is full of information about your identity and position as a believer in Jesus Christ. Let the wonder of God's perspective on you soak in. Do you fully realize what it means to be …

Fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14)
Precious to God (Isaiah 43:4)
Cared about since your conception (Isaiah 46:3)
God's child (John 1:12)
Jesus' friend (John 15:15)
Chosen by Jesus (John 15:16)
Loved dearly by God (John 16:27)
Free from condemnation (Romans 8:1)
A temple—a dwelling place—of God's Spirit (1 Corinthians 3:16)
Redeemed and forgiven of all your sins (Colossians 1:14)
Maybe you'd prefer God say he's crazy about dishwater blondes who are 20 pounds overweight. Then you'd know he meant you. But God didn't get that specific in describing Eve! All he tells us about her in Gen. 1:27, 31 is that she was made in his image and it was very good!

He feels the same way about you.

REALITY CHECKS

Pinpoint the ways you may be sabotaging yourself by answering the following questions:

What judgments do I make about myself that are, in fact, untrue? What's something wonderful about me that I've undervalued?
How do I typically respond when someone brags about me? Is it hard for me to receive a compliment—and why?
Do I fail to stick up for myself when someone challenges what I know to be true?